客气

Xiao Yue, let me start with a Chinese question. It's been bugging me for over a month.

Go ahead.

If a Chinese person tells you, let's grab a meal some other day, which day is that, exactly?

Hahahaha.

Why are you laughing? I'm serious. I've actually been waiting over a month.

Leo, I hate to break it to you, but that some other day may never come.

What do you mean? He lied to me?

He didn't lie to you. He just said a keqi phrase — a polite formality.

A polite formality... so that wasn't an invitation?

That wasn't an invitation, that was a thank you. He just used a warmer-sounding way to say it.

Hold on, there's another thing I still can't figure out. Last week I visited a colleague's home.

What happened?

The moment I walked in he asked what I wanted to drink. I copied Chinese people and said no no no, I'm fine.

And then?

And then he really didn't pour me anything. I sat there for two hours, so thirsty I could barely speak.

Hahaha, I know this one so well. You were polite correctly — you just got the number of rounds wrong.

Politeness has rounds?

That's exactly what today's episode is about. After this, you'll save yourself at least two hours of thirst.

Then let's start from the top. How do you actually translate keqi into English?

A lot of people translate it as polite, and I think that's trap number one.

Why? That's how I've always used it.

Polite is an attitude — nobody can see whether you're respectful inside. Keqi isn't an attitude. Keqi is a set of moves.

Moves?

Right, back-and-forth moves. I say something, you answer, I offer again, you push back again.

It sounds like playing ping-pong.

The comparison I always use is tai chi. Two people pushing back and forth, nobody using force, but you have to finish the rounds.

And if I don't return the ball?

If you don't, the ball hits the floor. Like that day — he asked what you wanted to drink, you said no no, and the ball dropped.

So no no, I'm fine wasn't the answer?

That wasn't the answer, that was your first swing. You hit it over and wait for him to hit it back.

But he never hit it back.

Because you said no three times in a row. Three is too much force — to Chinese ears that sounds like you meant it.

I thought the more keqi you are, the more polite you are.

That's the biggest misunderstanding. More keqi isn't better. Keqi has to be just right.

Then how do I tell which no is real and which one is just keqi?

This is the most valuable part of today. Write it down — I'll give you four ways.

Give me a second, let me grab a pen.

First way: listen for whether he gives you an alternative.

What do you mean by an alternative?

You offer someone a ride home and he says, no need, I'll take a taxi. That no need comes with I'll take a taxi, so it's probably real.

And if he only says no need, no need, with nothing after it?

Then it's probably keqi. A real no usually comes with a reason. A polite no is usually just those words.

Got it. What's the second one?

Second: listen to how fast he says it and how many times he repeats it.

The faster, the more real?

The opposite. The faster, the more urgent, the more repeated — the more likely it's just keqi.

Why? That's not logical.

Because polite phrases come out automatically, no thinking required. A real refusal has a bit of hesitation behind it, so it actually comes out slower.

Oh... that day I said no three times, fast and urgent.

So to him, you sounded like an extremely considerate guest.

I didn't want to be considerate. I wanted water.

Hahaha. Third way: look at how close the two of you are.

People who are close use less keqi?

The closer, the less. A close friend who doesn't want it will just say so. With someone you don't know well, that no need is very watered down.

And the fourth.

Fourth: look at whether other people were around.

What do other people have to do with it?

With an audience, keqi doubles. In that moment he isn't only answering you — he's also performing for the people nearby.

So a no said between two people is more believable than a no said in front of ten.

Exactly right. You're learning fast today.

Then here's a very practical question. When someone pushes back, how many times am I supposed to push?

There's an unwritten number in every Chinese person's head: three.

Three times?

You hand something over, he pushes it back, you offer again — that's round one. He pushes again, you offer again — round two.

What about the third?

If he pushes back a third time and gives a reason — I really already ate, I'm driving, my doctor won't let me drink — then it's real.

Then I back off.

Back off, and do it gracefully. You can say, I won't push you then — we'll drink next time.

Why add next time?

Because next time keeps the exchange alive instead of ending it.

Oh — the ball's still on the table.

Exactly, the ball's still on the table. You'll be using that idea a lot.

Xiao Yue, I want to ask you for something.

Go ahead.

Could you give me a list of these polite phrases? Like a vocabulary list.

Sure, but first I have to give you the overall rule, or the list is useless.

What rule?

Polite phrases don't need you to fulfill them. They need you to catch them.

Catch them?

Right. You don't need to actually wait for that meal. You just reply with the right words in the moment, and the phrase has done its job.

I'm writing that one down. Okay, let's start.

Phrase one: let's grab a meal some other day.

I know this one best. It's the one I waited a month for.

What it really means is, thank you, I'll remember what you did. It's a thank you wearing the clothes of an invitation.

So how should I reply?

You say, sounds good, I'll wait for your call. Say it lightly, with a smile.

Can't I say, how about this Friday then?

You can, but that's turning a polite phrase into a real invitation. We'll save it for the end — that's today's advanced move.

Fine, leave me in suspense. Next phrase.

Come sit at my place sometime.

Is this one fake too?

It's not fake. It's real — but it's real about the relationship, not about a date.

I need to think about that one.

It means, I consider you one of us. But if he didn't name a specific time, don't go booking a plane ticket.

Hahahaha.

Phrase three: I've put you to so much trouble.

I've heard this one a lot.

You reply, no trouble at all, it was on my way.

On my way means it was easy, I didn't go out of my way?

Right. The job of that phrase is to take the burden off the other person.

Phrase four.

You spent too much on me.

Pofei means spending a lot of money?

It means money was spent, and a bit more than necessary. When someone gives you a gift or buys you dinner, you use this line.

And how does the other person reply?

It's just a little something, hardly worth mentioning.

Hold on, those two are too hard.

Bu cheng jing yi means, this little thing isn't enough to express how I feel, please don't mind that it's small.

Chinese people give a gift and then say they gave too little?

Yes, that's the rule. When you give, talk it down. When you receive, talk it up.

So what if I said, this was expensive, you're going to love it?

Then you've put the other person beneath you, and they'll feel uncomfortable.

Another trap learned.

Here's one you'll definitely hear at the table: I just threw together a few dishes.

Just threw together?

Ten dishes on the table, a whole day of cooking, and she'll still say she just threw a few together.

In Britain it's the complete opposite. We'd say, I cooked for three hours for you.

So when you hear just threw together, never actually believe it.

Then what do I say back?

You compliment. Say, you call this thrown together? I can't get this taste anywhere outside.

I'm memorizing that one.

Speaking of the table, there's another scene you've definitely hit. Two people ordering, and neither will go first.

So true! He says you order, I say you order, and we just go you order, you order forever.

Hahaha, while the waiter stands there for five minutes.

Finally he says, anything's fine. But the second I order, he says, oh, I don't eat that.

Because anything's fine is never actually anything's fine.

So what does anything's fine actually mean?