You Said Sorry. They Heard Excuse Me 🙇 | Chinese Listening Practice

小悦Leo，你从进门到现在，八分钟，说了五次不好意思。

Leo, in the eight minutes since you walked in, you've said bu hao yi si five times.

Leo有吗？我没数。

Really? I wasn't counting.

小悦我数了。五次里面，只有一次是在道歉。

I was. And out of those five, only one was an apology.

Leo那另外四次是什么？

Then what were the other four?

小悦一次是叫我，一次是让我让一下，一次是问我要不要加糖，还有一次是你想插句话。

One was to get my attention, one was to ask me to move, one was to ask if I wanted sugar, and one was because you wanted to jump in.

Leo这四个都不算道歉？

None of those four count as an apology?

小悦一个都不算。

Not one.

Leo可是我在英国的时候，学到的第一句中文道歉就是不好意思。

But back in England, the first Chinese apology I ever learned was bu hao yi si.

小悦这就是问题。你把一个万能的词，当成了一个道歉的词。

That's the problem. You took an all-purpose phrase and treated it as an apology.

Leo那我这几个月是不是一直在道歉？

So have I been apologizing non-stop for months?

小悦不是。你这几个月一直在敲门。

No. You've been knocking on doors for months.

Leo敲门？

Knocking?

小悦不好意思在中文里更像敲门的声音，不是赔偿。

In Chinese, bu hao yi si is more like the sound of a knock than a payment for damage.

Leo那对不起呢？

Then what about duibuqi?

小悦对不起是另一个东西。今天我们就把这两个词分开。

Duibuqi is a different animal. Today we're going to pull these two apart.

小悦先说不好意思。你在中国一天能听到几十次，但大部分时候，没有人做错事。

Let's start with bu hao yi si. You'll hear it dozens of times a day in China, and most of the time nobody has done anything wrong.

Leo那大家在说什么？

Then what is everyone saying?

小悦在打招呼。或者更准确地说，在请对方给自己一点空间。

They're making contact. Or more precisely, they're asking for a little space.

Leo给我举几个例子。

Give me some examples.

小悦在地铁上，你要下车，前面站着一个人。你说什么？

On the subway, you want to get off and someone is standing in front of you. What do you say?

Leo不好意思，让一下。

Bu hao yi si, let me through.

小悦对。这句话里没有任何错误，你只是要过去。

Right. There's no wrongdoing in that sentence at all. You just want to get past.

Leo在英国我会说 excuse me。

In England I'd say excuse me.

小悦英文里 excuse me 和 sorry 是两个词，中文把它们压成了一个。

In English, excuse me and sorry are two different words. Chinese squeezed them into one.

Leo压成了不好意思。

Squeezed into bu hao yi si.

小悦没错。所以你不能反过来把不好意思翻成 sorry，那样你会以为自己一直在认错。

Exactly. So you can't run it backwards and translate bu hao yi si as sorry, or you'd think you were admitting fault all day long.

Leo还有哪些场合？

Where else does it come up?

小悦问路。不好意思，请问地铁站怎么走。

Asking directions. Bu hao yi si, how do I get to the subway station?

Leo这个我天天用。

I use that one every day.

小悦叫服务员。不好意思，能帮我加一点热水吗。

Calling a waiter. Bu hao yi si, could you add some hot water?

Leo这个也用。

That one too.

小悦打断别人说话。不好意思，我插一句。

Interrupting someone. Bu hao yi si, let me jump in.

Leo那如果我要麻烦一个同事帮我做点事呢？

And if I need to bother a coworker for a favour?

小悦不好意思，麻烦你帮我看一下这个。

Bu hao yi si, could you take a look at this for me?

Leo所以不好意思是开场，不是结论。

So bu hao yi si is an opening, not a conclusion.

小悦说得好。它是一个开场词，后面一定跟着一个请求。

Well put. It's an opener, and there's always a request behind it.

Leo如果我只说不好意思，然后不说话呢？

What if I just say bu hao yi si and then stop talking?

小悦那对方会等着，等你说出你要的东西。

Then they'll stand there waiting for you to say what you want.

Leo哈哈，那会很尴尬。

Haha, that would be awkward.

小悦还有一种很常见，是替对方省麻烦。比如我给你倒茶，你说不好意思。

There's another very common one, sparing the other person trouble. Say I pour you tea and you say bu hao yi si.

Leo那我在说什么？

What am I saying then?

小悦你在说，我知道这件事让你多动了一下手。

You're saying, I know that cost you an extra movement.

Leo这也不是道歉。

That isn't an apology either.

小悦这是致意。中文里承认麻烦和承认错误，是两套词。

That's acknowledgement. In Chinese, admitting you've caused trouble and admitting you were wrong are two separate sets of words.

Leo这句我要记下来。

I'm writing that one down.

小悦你先记住一个判断办法。你说不好意思的时候，问自己一句，我有没有造成损失。

Start with one test. When you say bu hao yi si, ask yourself: did I actually cost them anything?

Leo如果没有？

And if I didn't?

小悦那就是通行证，随便用，用得越自然越像本地人。

Then it's a pass. Use it freely. The more natural it sounds, the more local you sound.

Leo如果有损失呢？

And if I did?

小悦那不好意思就不够了。我们后面会讲到底该说什么。

Then bu hao yi si isn't enough. We'll get to what you should say instead.

Leo那我先问一个，坐地铁踩了别人一脚，算有损失吗？

Let me ask one now. If I step on someone's foot on the subway, is that a loss?

小悦脚很疼，但关系没坏。这种时候不好意思刚好。

The foot hurts, but the relationship isn't damaged. Bu hao yi si is exactly right there.

Leo刚好是什么意思？

What do you mean, exactly right?

小悦轻重合适。中文里最重要的不是说对词，是说对重量。

The right weight. In Chinese, the important thing isn't picking the right word, it's picking the right weight.

小悦不好意思还有第二个身份，跟道歉一点关系都没有。

Bu hao yi si has a second identity too, and it has nothing to do with apologizing.

Leo第二个身份？

A second identity?

小悦它可以形容一种心情。他不好意思说，我不好意思要。

It can describe a feeling. He's too bu hao yi si to say it. I'm too bu hao yi si to take it.

Leo这个我见过，但我一直不敢用。

I've seen that, but I've never dared to use it.

小悦为什么不敢？

Why not?

Leo因为我不知道自己在道歉，还是在说自己害羞。

Because I couldn't tell if I was apologizing or saying I felt shy.

小悦有一个很简单的分辨办法。看后面有没有跟一个动作。

There's a very simple way to tell. Look at whether an action follows it.

Leo跟一个动作？

An action follows it?

小悦不好意思，让一下。这是道歉那一类，后面是请求。

Bu hao yi si, let me through. That's the apology family, with a request coming after.

Leo那我不好意思问他呢？

And I'm too bu hao yi si to ask him?

小悦这是心情那一类，意思是我做不出来这个动作。

That's the feeling family. It means I can't bring myself to do it.

Leo所以后面跟着的动作，是我没做的那个。

So the action that follows is the one I didn't do.

小悦完全正确。你比很多中国人都清楚。

Exactly right. You've got this clearer than a lot of Chinese people.

Leo那这个心情具体是什么？害羞吗？

So what is that feeling exactly? Shyness?

小悦害羞只是一半。另一半是怕给别人添麻烦。

Shyness is only half of it. The other half is being afraid of causing someone trouble.

Leo给我举个例子。

Give me an example.

小悦一个朋友帮了你很大的忙，你想请他吃饭，他说太贵了不要。你说，你别不好意思。

A friend does you a big favour, you want to take him to dinner, and he says it's too expensive, don't. You say, don't be bu hao yi si.

Leo这里的不好意思是他在推。

Here bu hao yi si is him pushing back.

小悦对。他不是害羞，他是怕欠你。

Right. He isn't shy. He's afraid of owing you.

Leo这跟上次讲人情那一期有关系。

This connects to the episode on renqing, on favours.

小悦有关系，但我们今天不展开。

It does, but we won't open that up today.

Leo那再给我几个我能马上用的。

Then give me a few I can use right away.

小悦不好意思麻烦你。不好意思问价格。不好意思催你。

Bu hao yi si to bother you. Bu hao yi si to ask the price. Bu hao yi si to chase you.

Leo不好意思催你，这个太有用了。

Bu hao yi si to chase you. That one is so useful.

小悦中国人催人的时候，前面几乎都会挂一个不好意思。

When Chinese people chase someone, they almost always hang a bu hao yi si on the front.

Leo因为催人是在占对方的时间。

Because chasing someone takes up their time.

小悦你抓到了。还有一句你以后一定会用，我不好意思拒绝。

You've got it. And here's one you'll definitely use: I was too bu hao yi si to say no.

Leo这个我上次学过。很多软拒绝就是从这里来的。

I learned that last time. A lot of soft refusals start right there.

小悦一句话带过就好。今天的重点是另一边。

One line is enough on that. Today's point is the other side.

Leo哪一边？

Which side?

小悦如果不好意思能当心情用，那它就不可能是一个重的道歉词。

If bu hao yi si can work as a feeling, then it can't possibly be a heavy apology word.

Leo为什么？

Why not?

小悦因为一个词不能一边说我错了，一边说我害羞。

Because one word can't say I was wrong and I feel shy at the same time.

Leo那它只能是轻的。

Then it can only be light.

小悦它天生是轻的。这就是你今天要记住的第一个重量。

It's light by nature. That's the first weight to remember today.

Leo那对不起有多重？

Then how heavy is duibuqi?

小悦重到很多中国人一年说不了三次。

Heavy enough that a lot of Chinese people don't say it three times a year.

Leo三次？

Three times?

小悦我没夸张。我们现在就说它。

I'm not exaggerating. Let's get into it right now.

小悦先看这三个字本身。对不起，字面是我对不住你。

Look at the three characters themselves. Duibuqi literally means I can't face you.

Leo对不住？

Can't face you?

小悦对得起，是我做的事能跟你交换。对不起，是我这边不够，交换不了。

Dui de qi means what I did can be traded evenly with you. Duibuqi means my side comes up short, so the trade doesn't balance.

Leo所以它不是 sorry，它更像我欠你。

So it isn't sorry. It's closer to I owe you.

小悦接近了。它承认两件事，一是我错了，二是这件事有损失。

Close. It admits two things: I was wrong, and there was a loss.

Leo那为什么中国人不常说？

Then why don't Chinese people say it often?

小悦因为它太重。重到朋友之间说出来会尴尬。

Because it's too heavy. Heavy enough to be awkward between friends.

Leo我不太懂。道歉怎么会尴尬？

I don't quite follow. How can apologizing be awkward?

小悦你想一个画面。我们一起吃饭，我不小心把你的筷子碰掉了。

Picture this. We're eating together and I knock your chopsticks off the table.

Leo你会说什么？

What would you say?

小悦不好意思。然后我捡起来给你换一双。

Bu hao yi si. Then I pick them up and bring you a new pair.

Leo如果你说对不起呢？

And if you said duibuqi?

小悦那你会觉得哪里不对。你会想，一双筷子而已，她怎么这么严重。

Then something would feel off to you. You'd think, it's a pair of chopsticks, why is she being so serious?

Leo我明白了，太重会让对方紧张。

I see. Too heavy makes the other person tense.

小悦而且会显得生分。上次讲客气的时候提过这个词。

And it comes off as distant. We mentioned that word in the episode on keqi.

Leo见外的那种感觉。

That feeling of being treated like an outsider.

小悦对。太客气和太道歉，是同一种距离。

Right. Too much politeness and too much apologizing are the same kind of distance.

Leo那什么时候必须用对不起？

Then when do I have to use duibuqi?

小悦四种。第一，你让人白等了很久。

Four situations. First, you made someone wait a long time for nothing.

Leo很久是多久？

How long is a long time?

小悦半个小时以上，或者对方为了等你推掉了别的事。

Over half an hour, or they turned down something else to wait for you.

Leo第二种？

Second?

小悦你弄坏了对方的东西，或者让他花了钱。

You broke something of theirs, or you cost them money.

Leo第三种？

Third?

小悦你忘了一件你答应过的事。

You forgot something you had promised.

Leo这个听起来最轻，但你说它要用对不起。

That sounds like the lightest one, but you say it needs duibuqi.

小悦它是最伤人的一种。因为忘了等于告诉对方，你不重要。

It's the one that hurts most. Forgetting tells the other person: you don't matter.

Leo我记住了。第四种呢？

Noted. And the fourth?

小悦你说的话伤到了人。

Something you said hurt someone.

Leo这个不好意思一定不够。

Bu hao yi si definitely isn't enough for that.

小悦完全不够。这四种有一个共同点。

Nowhere near enough. All four have one thing in common.

Leo什么共同点？

What's that?

小悦对方失去了一样东西。时间、钱、机会，或者心情。

The other person lost something. Time, money, an opportunity, or peace of mind.

Leo有损失就用对不起，没损失就用不好意思。

Loss means duibuqi. No loss means bu hao yi si.

小悦这句话你可以直接背下来。

You can memorize that line exactly as it is.

Leo那如果我不确定有没有损失呢？

And if I'm not sure whether there was a loss?

小悦那就看对方的脸。中国人不会告诉你他生气了，但他会安静。

Then watch their face. A Chinese person won't tell you they're angry, but they'll go quiet.

Leo安静就是信号。

Quiet is the signal.

小悦安静是最清楚的信号。他一安静，你就把词换重一点。

Quiet is the clearest signal there is. The moment they go quiet, reach for a heavier word.

小悦现在我们把这两个词中间的东西填上。中文的道歉是一个楼梯，不是两个门。

Now let's fill in what sits between those two words. Apologizing in Chinese is a staircase, not two doors.

Leo一共有几层？

How many steps are there?

小悦常用的六层。我从最轻的说。

Six that actually get used. I'll start from the lightest.

Leo我准备好了。

I'm ready.

小悦第一层，不好意思。轻，日常，什么场合都能用。

Step one, bu hao yi si. Light, everyday, works anywhere.

Leo第二层？

Step two?

小悦抱歉。这个词很多学习者不会用，但它特别好用。

Baoqian. Most learners never use this one, and it's extremely handy.

Leo抱歉比不好意思重吗？

Is baoqian heavier than bu hao yi si?

小悦重一点，但更冷一点。它是公事的道歉。

A little heavier, and a little colder. It's the business apology.

Leo什么叫更冷？

What do you mean, colder?

小悦它有距离。抱歉，会议改到下午三点。抱歉，我这边的数据错了。

It keeps distance. Baoqian, the meeting moved to three in the afternoon. Baoqian, the numbers on my end were wrong.

Leo所以在公司里用抱歉。

So at work I use baoqian.

小悦对。上班的时候你说对不起，反而会让人觉得你太紧张。

Right. Saying duibuqi at work actually makes you look too rattled.

Leo那我给老板发消息，用哪个？

And when I message my boss, which one?

小悦抱歉。而且要加一句，是我这边的问题。

Baoqian. And add one line: the problem is on my end.

Leo为什么要加这一句？

Why add that line?

小悦因为公事里最重要的不是心情，是责任在谁那里。

Because at work what matters isn't feelings, it's where the responsibility sits.

Leo明白了。第三层？

Got it. Step three?

小悦对不起。刚才讲过，认错加损失。

Duibuqi. As we said, fault plus loss.

Leo第四层？

Step four?

小悦真的对不起，或者实在对不起。前面加一个词，重量就往上跳一层。

Really, I'm sorry, or truly, I'm sorry. Add one word in front and the weight jumps a step.

Leo加词就能加重，这个规律好用。

Adding a word adds weight. That rule is handy.

小悦中文的加重几乎都靠这个。非常抱歉，实在不好意思，真的很对不起。

That's almost the only way Chinese adds weight. Extremely baoqian. Truly bu hao yi si. Really very duibuqi.

Leo那第五层呢？

And step five?

小悦我错了。

I was wrong.

Leo这么短？

That short?

小悦越短越重。这三个字里没有任何解释。

The shorter, the heavier. There isn't a word of explanation in it.

Leo没有解释就是最重的。

No explanation makes it the heaviest.

小悦对。你在家里，在很亲的关系里，说我错了比说十句对不起有用。

Right. At home, in close relationships, I was wrong does more than ten duibuqi.

Leo还有别的说法吗？

Are there other versions?

小悦是我不对。都是我的错。这两句和我错了差不多重。

It was my fault. It was all on me. Those two weigh about the same as I was wrong.

Leo第六层是什么？

What's step six?

小悦请你原谅我。或者更正式的，请您多多包涵。

Please forgive me. Or the more formal one, please bear with me.

Leo包涵是什么意思？

What does baohan mean?

小悦意思是请你多装一点，别跟我计较。

It means please hold a little more, and don't hold it against me.

Leo多装一点，这个画面很有意思。

Hold a little more. That's an interesting image.

小悦包涵这个词你听得懂就行，自己少用，它偏书面。

With baohan, understanding it is enough. Don't use it much yourself, it leans written.

Leo那还有一个词我在老电影里听过，对不住。

There's another one I've heard in old films, duibuzhu.

小悦对不住是对不起老一点的说法，偏北方，现在年纪大的人还在用。

Duibuzhu is an older way of saying duibuqi, more northern. Older people still use it.

Leo我可以用吗？

Can I use it?

小悦可以，但会有点像在演戏。你先把前面几层用熟。

You can, but it'll sound a bit theatrical. Get comfortable with the earlier steps first.

Leo这六层我想再听一遍。

I want to hear all six again.

小悦不好意思，抱歉，对不起，实在对不起，我错了，请你原谅。

Bu hao yi si. Baoqian. Duibuqi. Truly, I'm sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.

Leo从轻到重。

Light to heavy.

小悦从轻到重。你每天用得最多的，永远是第一层和第二层。

Light to heavy. The ones you'll use most every day are always steps one and two.

Leo第五层什么时候用？

When do I use step five?

小悦一年用不到几次。用多了它就不重了。

A handful of times a year. Use it too much and it stops being heavy.

Leo这句话我懂。太常说的道歉就不是道歉了。

I understand that. An apology said too often stops being an apology.

小悦这就是很多中国人现在的问题。我们后面会说到。

That's exactly the problem a lot of Chinese people have now. We'll get there.

小悦接下来是一个更少人教的东西。别人跟你道歉，你怎么回。

Next is something almost nobody teaches. What you say when someone apologizes to you.

Leo我只会说没关系。

All I know is it's fine.

小悦没关系没问题，但它只是其中一个。而且用错场合会很冷。

It's fine is fine, but it's only one option. And in the wrong moment it lands cold.

Leo没关系会冷？

It's fine can be cold?

小悦如果一个朋友很难受地跟你道歉，你只说三个字没关系，他会觉得你在结束这个话题。

If a friend apologizes to you in real distress and all you say is it's fine, they'll feel you're shutting the subject down.

Leo那我应该说什么？

Then what should I say?

小悦先分轻重。小事，用没事，或者没事没事。

Sort by weight first. Small things: it's nothing. Or, it's nothing, it's nothing.

Leo为什么要说两遍？

Why say it twice?

小悦这是中文里一个很重要的规律。叠一遍，是真的不介意。

This is an important pattern in Chinese. Doubling it means you genuinely don't mind.

Leo只说一遍呢？

And saying it once?

小悦只说一遍，有可能是客气，也有可能是还介意。

Once could be politeness, or it could mean you still mind.

Leo所以没事没事比没事更暖。

So doubled is warmer than single.

小悦暖得多。不用不用，没关系没关系，都是这样。

Much warmer. No need, no need. It's fine, it's fine. Same thing.

Leo这个规律太实用了。

That pattern is so useful.

小悦你以后听中国人说话，注意谁叠词，谁不叠。

From now on, when you listen to Chinese people, notice who doubles and who doesn't.

Leo那中等的事呢？

And medium-sized things?

小悦不要紧。或者，没什么，我也没等多久。

It's not serious. Or, it's nothing, I didn't wait long anyway.

Leo加一句我也没等多久，是在帮他。

Adding I didn't wait long is helping them out.

小悦对。中文的回应喜欢帮对方把台阶铺好。

Right. Chinese responses like to lay down a step for the other person to climb down on.

Leo台阶这个词上次也出现过。

That word came up last time too.

小悦它在中文里到处都是。

It's everywhere in Chinese.

Leo那很亲的朋友呢？

And with really close friends?

小悦哪儿的话。或者，你说这话就见外了。

Don't even say that. Or, talking like that makes you a stranger.

Leo这两句我一定要练。

I have to practise those two.

小悦还有一句更家常的，跟我还客气什么。

There's a homier one as well: why are you being polite with me?

Leo这句我听奶奶说过。

I've heard my grandma say that.

小悦她一定说过。这是老一辈最常用的一句。

Of course she has. It's the older generation's favourite line.

Leo那如果是很重的事，我真的被伤到了呢？

And if it's something heavy, and I really was hurt?

小悦那就别急着说没事。

Then don't rush to say it's nothing.

Leo不说没事说什么？

If not that, then what?

小悦可以说，我知道了，谢谢你跟我说。

You can say: I hear you, and thank you for telling me.

Leo这句好特别。它没有原谅，也没有生气。

That's a special one. It isn't forgiveness and it isn't anger.

小悦因为原谅需要时间。中文里有一句很重的原谅，叫都过去了。

Because forgiveness takes time. There's a heavy line of forgiveness in Chinese: it's all in the past.

Leo都过去了。

It's all in the past.

小悦这四个字不能随便说。说了它，这件事就真的关上了。

Those words aren't for casual use. Once you say them, the matter is genuinely closed.

Leo那如果我还没准备好关上呢？

And if I'm not ready to close it?

小悦那就别说。说了以后再提起来，你就变成不讲理的那个人。

Then don't say it. If you say it and bring it up later, you become the unreasonable one.

Leo这个我要小心。

I'll be careful with that.

小悦还有一个常见的坑。对方说对不起，你秒回没事。

One more common trap. They say duibuqi and you fire back it's nothing instantly.

Leo秒回不好吗？

Instant is bad?

小悦秒回等于我没在听。这跟上次讲拒绝的时候道理一样。

Instant means I wasn't listening. Same logic as when we talked about refusing.

Leo慢一点反而更真。

Slower actually reads as more real.

小悦慢一秒钟，说一句你先坐下，比十句没关系都强。

One second slower, and one line, sit down first, beats ten it's fines.

小悦现在讲最重要的一段。在中文里，道歉不是一句话，是三步。

Now the most important part. In Chinese, an apology isn't a sentence, it's three steps.

Leo三步？

Three steps?

小悦认、补、记。

Own it, fix it, remember it.

Leo认、补、记。这三个字分别是什么？

Own it, fix it, remember it. What does each one mean?

小悦认，是把事情说清楚，承认是我做的。

Owning it is stating the facts and admitting you did it.

Leo不是说对不起就够了吗？

Isn't saying duibuqi enough?

小悦光说对不起，对方不知道你懂不懂自己错在哪。

Duibuqi on its own doesn't tell them whether you understand what you got wrong.

Leo那我要说什么？

Then what do I say?

小悦我今天晚了四十分钟，让你在外面站了这么久。

I was forty minutes late today and left you standing out there the whole time.

Leo我把事情重复一遍。

I repeat the facts back.

小悦对。中国人听道歉，第一件事就是听你有没有说对事实。

Right. The first thing a Chinese person listens for in an apology is whether you got the facts right.

Leo第二步，补。

Step two, fix it.

小悦补是做一件事，不是说一句话。

Fixing it means doing something, not saying something.

Leo比如？

Like what?

小悦弄坏了东西就赔，让人白等了就请一顿饭，忘了事情就马上去办。

Broke something, pay for it. Made them wait, buy them a meal. Forgot something, go do it now.

Leo所以中文的道歉是靠动作收尾的。

So a Chinese apology closes with an action.

小悦靠动作收尾。这是跟英文最不一样的地方。

It closes with an action. That's the biggest difference from English.

Leo在英国，说完 sorry 常常就结束了。

In England, once you've said sorry it's usually over.

小悦在中国，说完对不起，对方会看你的下一步。

In China, once you've said duibuqi, they watch what you do next.

Leo第三步，记。

Step three, remember it.

小悦记住这件事，下次不要再犯。而且要让对方看得出来你记住了。

Remember it and don't do it again. And let them see that you remembered.

Leo怎么看得出来？

How do they see it?

小悦下一次你提前十分钟到。什么都不用说，他自己会发现。

Next time you show up ten minutes early. You don't say a word, they'll notice on their own.

Leo这比说十次对不起都清楚。

That says more than ten duibuqi.

小悦现在说两条铁律。第一条，道歉后面不要接但是。

Now two hard rules. Rule one: never follow an apology with but.

Leo对不起，但是路上很堵。

Duibuqi, but the traffic was terrible.

小悦这句话对方听到的只有后半句。

The only part they hear is the second half.

Leo那我真的堵在路上怎么办？

And if I really was stuck in traffic?

小悦先把道歉说完，停一下，再说原因。而且原因只说一次。

Finish the apology, pause, then give the reason. And give the reason once.

Leo只说一次。

Once.

小悦说两次就变成找理由了。

Twice turns it into making excuses.

Leo第二条铁律呢？

And rule two?

小悦不要一直道歉。

Don't keep apologizing.

Leo为什么？我以为多道歉更诚恳。

Why? I thought more apologizing was more sincere.

小悦你说第三次的时候，对方就要开始安慰你了。

By the third time, they have to start comforting you.

Leo那我就变成需要被安慰的人。

Then I become the one who needs comforting.

小悦你把位置换了。本来是你在补，最后变成他在补。

You've swapped the positions. You were supposed to be repairing it, and now they are.

Leo这个我从来没想过。

I'd never thought about that.

小悦这是学习者最常犯的一个错。紧张的时候一句接一句地不好意思。

This is the mistake learners make most. When you're nervous, bu hao yi si comes out one after another.

Leo我好像就是这样。

That sounds like me.

小悦一次说清楚，然后去做那个动作。这才是中国人认的道歉。

Say it clearly once, then go do the thing. That's the apology Chinese people accept.

小悦接下来是五个最难的场合。你以后一定会碰到。

Next, the five hardest situations. You'll run into every one of them.

Leo第一个。

The first.

小悦迟到。这个最常见，也最容易说错。

Being late. The most common one, and the easiest to get wrong.

Leo我一般说不好意思我来晚了。

I usually say bu hao yi si, I'm late.

小悦十分钟以内可以。超过半个小时，不好意思就轻了。

Within ten minutes that works. Past half an hour, bu hao yi si is too light.

Leo那我说对不起，我来晚了。

Then I say duibuqi, I'm late.

小悦加上时间。对不起，我晚了四十分钟。

Add the time. Duibuqi, I'm forty minutes late.

Leo为什么要说出数字？

Why say the number?

小悦因为数字说明你知道自己让对方等了多久。

Because the number shows you know how long you made them wait.

Leo那理由呢？

And the reason?

小悦可以说，但不要只说堵车。

You can give one, but don't make traffic the whole reason.

Leo为什么？堵车是真的。

Why? The traffic was real.

小悦因为堵车这个理由，在中国人听起来等于我没提前出门。

Because to Chinese ears, traffic means I didn't leave early enough.

Leo哈哈，这是一个可以被解决的理由。

Haha, that's a reason that could have been solved.

小悦你还记得。第二个场合，弄坏别人的东西。

You remembered. Situation two, breaking someone's things.

Leo这个我最怕。

That's the one I dread most.

小悦这里有一个规矩，你必须提到钱。

There's a rule here. You have to mention money.

Leo直接说钱不会太直接吗？

Isn't mentioning money too blunt?

小悦不说钱才是不诚恳。你要说，多少钱我赔给你。

Not mentioning it is what's insincere. You say, tell me what it costs and I'll pay for it.

Leo对方一定会说不用吧。

They're bound to say don't bother.

小悦一定会。中国人第一次都会推。

They will. A Chinese person always pushes back the first time.

Leo那我就收回来？

So I take the offer back?

小悦不。你要再坚持一次。

No. You insist one more time.

Leo如果他第二次还是不要呢？

And if they refuse the second time too?

小悦那就换一种补法。请他吃饭，或者送一个差不多的东西过去。

Then switch the repair. Take them to dinner, or bring over something similar.

Leo不能就这样过去。

It can't just be dropped.

小悦不能。这件事一定要有一个动作把它关上。

It can't. Something has to close it with an action.

Leo第三个场合。

Situation three.

小悦忘了对方的事。忘了生日，忘了答应帮的忙。

Forgetting something of theirs. A birthday, a favour you promised.

Leo你说过这个最伤人。

You said that one hurts most.

小悦这种时候不能只道歉，要说是我不对。

Here an apology alone won't do. You say it was my fault.

Leo为什么？

Why?

小悦因为忘了不是意外，是你把这件事放在了不重要的地方。

Because forgetting isn't an accident. It means you filed it somewhere unimportant.

Leo那我要怎么补？

Then how do I repair it?

小悦补一个当时应该做的动作，而且要快。今天想起来，今天就做。

Do the thing you should have done, and do it fast. Remember today, act today.

Leo第四个场合是工作，我们讲过。

Situation four is work, and we covered that.

小悦抱歉加上是我这边的问题，然后马上给解决办法。

Baoqian, plus the problem is on my end, then a fix right away.

Leo不要写很长。

Don't write a long message.

小悦越长越像在解释。第五个场合最难，说话伤到了人。

The longer it is, the more it sounds like explaining. Situation five is the hardest: your words hurt someone.

Leo这个不能用不好意思。

Bu hao yi si won't work for that.

小悦也不要说我不是那个意思。

And don't say I didn't mean it that way.

Leo为什么？这句我常用。

Why? I use that a lot.

小悦因为它在告诉对方，是你听错了。

Because it tells them the mistake was in their hearing.

Leo那我该说什么？

Then what do I say?

小悦我刚才那句话没考虑你的感受。

What I said just now didn't take your feelings into account.

Leo这句话把责任放在自己这边。

That line puts the responsibility on your own side.

小悦中文的道歉，重点从来不是心里怎么想，是责任放在谁那边。

In a Chinese apology, the point was never what you feel inside. It's whose side the responsibility lands on.

小悦还有一个地方你每天都在用，微信。

There's one more place you use this every day, WeChat.

Leo文字上的道歉？

Apologizing in text?

小悦文字里的不好意思，几乎没有重量。它就是一个礼貌的开头。

In text, bu hao yi si carries almost no weight. It's just a polite opening.

Leo所以我在微信上说不好意思，对方不会当成道歉。

So if I send bu hao yi si on WeChat, they won't read it as an apology.

小悦不会。他会等你说下一句。

They won't. They'll wait for your next line.

Leo那重要的道歉呢？

And important apologies?

小悦重要的道歉不要打字。

Don't type important apologies.

Leo为什么？

Why not?

小悦因为文字听不出语气。同样一句对不起，可以很诚恳，也可以很不耐烦。

Because you can't hear tone in text. The same duibuqi can sound sincere or impatient.

Leo那我应该？

So I should?

小悦发语音，或者直接打电话。

Send a voice message, or just call.

Leo我一直觉得中国人爱发语音很奇怪，现在我懂了。

I always thought it was strange how much Chinese people love voice messages. Now I get it.

小悦语音里有停顿，有呼吸，这些都是重量。

A voice message has pauses and breathing. All of that is weight.

Leo还有一个问题。我可以在道歉里用表情吗？

One more question. Can I use emoji in an apology?

小悦小事可以，大事不要。表情会把话变轻。

For small things yes, for big things no. Emoji make words lighter.

Leo我常用那个双手合起来的表情。

I often use the one with the two hands pressed together.

小悦那个在中国不是祈祷，是拜托，或者谢谢。

In China that isn't praying. It's please, or thank you.

Leo啊，我一直以为是祈祷。

Oh. I always thought it was praying.

小悦很多外国人都这么以为。你用它道歉，中国人看到的是求你了。

Lots of foreigners think so. If you apologize with it, what a Chinese person sees is I'm begging you.

Leo那就不对了。

That's not right at all.

小悦还有一句你千万不要单独发，在吗。

And one line you must never send on its own: are you there?

Leo为什么？

Why not?

小悦只发在吗，对方会紧张一整天。

Send only are you there, and they'll be tense all day.

Leo那我要怎么发？

Then how should I send it?

小悦把事情和道歉一起发。抱歉，昨天那份表格我发错了，我现在重新发一份。

Send the matter and the apology together. Baoqian, I sent the wrong spreadsheet yesterday, and I'm sending the right one now.

Leo一次说完。

All in one go.

小悦一次说完，别让对方猜。

All in one go. Don't make them guess.

Leo还有别的吗？

Anything else?

小悦有一个小细节。发完道歉不要立刻撤回重发。

One small detail. Don't send an apology and then immediately unsend it and send it again.

Leo为什么？

Why not?

小悦撤回会让对方看到你在犹豫。犹豫在道歉里是最不该有的。

Unsending shows them you were hesitating. Hesitation is the last thing an apology should have.

小悦现在说学习者最常出的两个方向性错误。

Now the two directional mistakes learners make most.

Leo方向性？

Directional?

小悦一个是该重的时候用轻的，一个是该轻的时候用重的。

One is going light when it should be heavy. The other is going heavy when it should be light.

Leo第一个我可能常犯。

I probably make the first one a lot.

小悦你把别人的杯子打碎了，只说一句不好意思，对方会觉得你不在意。

You smash someone's cup, say only bu hao yi si, and they'll think you don't care.

Leo明明我很在意。

But I do care.

小悦你在意，但你用的词没有把在意送出去。

You care, but the word you chose didn't deliver it.

Leo第二个呢？

And the second?

小悦在地铁上碰了一下别人，你说对不起。

You bump into someone on the subway and say duibuqi.

Leo这有什么问题？

What's wrong with that?

小悦对方会回头看你，想一想到底发生了什么。

They'll turn around and wonder what actually happened.

Leo我把小事变成了大事。

I turned something small into something big.

小悦你把小事变成了大事，对方就得陪你紧张一次。

You turned something small into something big, and now they have to be tense along with you.

Leo那中国人自己会出错吗？

Do Chinese people get it wrong themselves?

小悦会。我们的问题正好相反，不好意思用得太多了。

We do. Our problem is the opposite. We use bu hao yi si far too much.

Leo怎么说？

How so?

小悦它变成了口头禅。什么都不好意思，连该说对不起的时候也不好意思。

It's become a verbal tic. Bu hao yi si for everything, even when duibuqi is what's needed.

Leo轻的词把重的事盖住了。

The light word covers the heavy thing.

小悦这句话说得比我好。

You said that better than I did.

Leo这里面有故事吗？

Is there a story behind this?

小悦有。我店里的一件事，我一直记着。

There is. Something at my shop that I've never let go of.

Leo说吧。

Tell me.

小悦三年前，一个女生在我这里定了一个生日蛋糕，给她妈妈。

Three years ago, a young woman ordered a birthday cake from me for her mother.

Leo然后？

And?

小悦她要的是星期六下午取，我写成了星期天。

She asked to pick it up Saturday afternoon. I wrote down Sunday.

Leo所以星期六她来了，蛋糕没有。

So she came on Saturday and there was no cake.

小悦蛋糕没有。她妈妈的生日就是那天，家里人都在等。

No cake. That day was her mother's birthday, and the whole family was waiting.

Leo你怎么处理的？

How did you handle it?

小悦我说了三次不好意思，然后免了她的钱，还送了两块小蛋糕。

I said bu hao yi si three times, waived what she owed, and threw in two small cakes.

Leo她说什么？

What did she say?

小悦她说没事。

She said it's nothing.

Leo只说了一次。

Only once.

小悦只说了一次。我当时还很高兴，我以为这件事过去了。

Only once. And I was relieved at the time. I thought it was over.

Leo她后来还来吗？

Did she come back?

小悦再也没有来过。她本来一个月来两次。

Never again. She used to come twice a month.

Leo那三次不好意思是不够的。

So three bu hao yi si weren't enough.

小悦不是不够。是方向错了。

It wasn't that they weren't enough. The direction was wrong.

Leo什么意思？

What do you mean?

小悦不好意思是把事情盖住，对不起是把事情打开。

Bu hao yi si covers the thing over. Duibuqi opens it up.

Leo你那天没有把事情打开。

You didn't open it up that day.

小悦我那天在处理我自己的难受，我没有处理她妈妈的生日。

That day I was handling my own discomfort. I wasn't handling her mother's birthday.

Leo这两句话我要记很久。

Those two lines are going to stay with me a long time.

小悦还有一句。不好意思是给我自己听的，对不起是给对方听的。

One more. Bu hao yi si is for my own ears. Duibuqi is for theirs.

Leo给我自己听的。

For my own ears.

小悦说完我就轻松了，可是她那天回家的路上，什么都没有变。

Once I'd said it I felt lighter. But on her way home that day, nothing had changed.

Leo那我这样的外国人，有没有一点特权？

So does a foreigner like me get any special allowance?

小悦有。你说轻了，没有人会怪你。

You do. If you go too light, nobody will hold it against you.

Leo因为大家知道我在学。

Because everyone knows I'm learning.

小悦可是你说重了，对方会不安。

But if you go too heavy, they'll feel uneasy.

Leo所以宁轻不重？

So better light than heavy?

小悦小事宁轻，大事宁重，再加一个动作。

Small things, lean light. Big things, lean heavy, and add an action.

Leo小事宁轻，大事宁重。

Small things light, big things heavy.

小悦你把今天的东西给我总结一遍。

Now summarize today for me.

Leo第一，不好意思大部分时候不是道歉，是敲门。

One: most of the time bu hao yi si isn't an apology, it's a knock.

小悦对。

Right.

Leo第二，不好意思还能当心情用，所以它天生是轻的。

Two: bu hao yi si can also work as a feeling, so it's light by nature.

小悦继续。

Keep going.

Leo第三，对不起承认两件事，我错了，还有对方有损失。

Three: duibuqi admits two things, that I was wrong, and that there was a loss.

小悦第四？

Four?

Leo第四，中间有抱歉这一层，公事用它最合适。

Four: baoqian sits in the middle, and it's the best fit for work.

小悦第五？

Five?

Leo第五，道歉是三步，认、补、记，动作比句子重要。

Five: an apology is three steps, own it, fix it, remember it, and the action matters more than the sentence.

小悦第六？

Six?

Leo第六，后面不要接但是，也不要一直道歉。

Six: don't follow it with but, and don't keep apologizing.

小悦最后一条。

Last one.

Leo第七，回应别人的时候，叠一遍才是真的不介意。

Seven: when you respond to someone, doubling it is what means you really don't mind.

小悦七条全对。你今天比我讲得清楚。

All seven correct. You explained it better than I did today.

Leo那个定蛋糕的女生，你后来有没有再联系她？

That woman who ordered the cake, did you ever contact her again?

小悦没有。我不知道她的电话。

No. I don't have her number.

Leo一点办法都没有？

No way at all?

小悦有一条。她那年在网上给我店里写过一条评论。

There's one. That year she left a review for my shop online.

Leo她写了什么？

What did she write?

小悦她写，蛋糕很好吃，可是那天我妈妈没有吃到。

She wrote: the cake was delicious, but my mother didn't get to taste it that day.

Leo这条评论你回了吗？

Did you reply to it?

小悦三年了，我一直没回。

Three years, and I never have.

Leo为什么？

Why not?

小悦因为我知道，一回就得说那三个字，不能再用不好意思。

Because I know that replying means saying those three characters, and bu hao yi si won't do any more.

Leo那你今天晚上会回吗？

Are you going to reply tonight?

小悦今天晚上会。今天讲了一整期，我不能自己还欠着一句。

Tonight I will. I've talked for a whole episode. I can't be the one still owing a line.

Leo那我们今天就聊到这儿，谢谢你们一直听到最后。

That's where we'll leave it today. Thank you for staying with us to the end.

小悦如果你心里也有一句欠着的对不起，今天晚上把它说完。

If there's a duibuqi you still owe someone, say the whole thing tonight.

5 questions · up to 50 points