01小悦 Leo，wǒ我jīn今tiān天dì第yī一jù句huà话kě可néng能yǒu有diǎn点shāng伤rén人 ，nǐ你xiān先zuò做gè个xīn心lǐ理zhǔn准bèi备 。Leo, my first sentence today might sting a little. Brace yourself.
02Leozhè这gè个kāi开chǎng场wǒ我yī一diǎn点dōu都bù不xǐ喜huan欢 。I don't like this opening at all.
03小悦nǐ你zài在zhōng中guó国tīng听dào到de的nà那jù句nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说dé得zhēn真hǎo好 ，yǒu有yí一dà大bàn半 ，qí其shí实bú不shì是zài在kuā夸nǐ你 。That line you hear all over China, your Chinese is so good — more than half the time, it isn't actually praise.
04Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，nǐ你zhī知bu不zhī知dào道 ，wǒ我zhè这liǎng两nián年jiù就shì是kào靠zhè这jù句huà话huó活xià下lái来de的 。Xiao Yue, do you realize I've survived the last two years on that sentence?
05小悦wǒ我zhī知dào道 。suǒ所yǐ以wǒ我jīn今tiān天bì必xū须gēn跟nǐ你shuō说qīng清chǔ楚 。I know. That's exactly why I have to make it clear to you today.
06Leonà那tā它shì是shén什me么 ？rú如guǒ果bù不shì是kuā夸wǒ我 ，tā它shì是shén什me么 ？Then what is it? If it isn't praise, what is it?
07小悦tā它shì是yī一jù句zhāo招hū呼 。It's a greeting.
08Leozhāo招hū呼 ？A greeting?
09小悦duì对 。gēn跟chī吃le了ma吗 、shàng上bān班qù去a啊 、zhè这me么zǎo早a啊 ，shì是yī一gè个jiā家zú族de的 。Right. Same family as have you eaten, off to work, and you're up early.
10Leokě可shì是tā他men们shuō说de的shí时hòu候 ，biǎo表qíng情shì是zhēn真de的hěn很jīng惊yà讶 。But when they say it, they really do look surprised.
11小悦jīng惊yà讶shì是zhēn真de的 ，kuā夸bù不yī一dìng定shì是 。nǐ你huí回xiǎng想yī一xià下 ，tā他men们shuō说zhè这jù句huà话de的shí时hou候 ，nǐ你cái才shuō说le了jǐ几gè个zì字 ？The surprise is real. The praise isn't necessarily. Think back — when they said it, how many words had you actually said?
12Leoràng让wǒ我xiǎng想xiǎng想 。shàng上gè个xīng星qī期wǒ我qù去xiū修shǒu手jī机 ，wǒ我zhǐ只shuō说le了yī一jù句wǒ我de的shǒu手jī机kāi开bù不liǎo了jī机 。Let me think. Last week I went to get my phone fixed, and all I said was, my phone won't turn on.
13小悦rán然hòu后ne呢 ？And then?
14Leonà那ge个shī师fu傅mǎ马shàng上tái抬tóu头shuō说 ，wā哇 ，nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说dé得zhēn真hǎo好 。The repair guy looked up right away and said, wow, your Chinese is so good.
15小悦bā八gè个zì字 。Eight characters.
16Leobā八gè个zì字 。Eight characters.
17小悦zhè这jiù就shì是wǒ我shuō说de的 。jī基běn本shàng上bù不chāo超guò过shí十gè个zì字 ，nà那jù句kuā夸jiǎng奖jiù就yǐ已jīng经chū出lái来le了 。That's my point. Usually within ten characters, the compliment is already out.
18Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，wǒ我xiàn现zài在yǒu有diǎn点nán难shòu受 。Xiao Yue, I'm feeling a little hurt right now.
19小悦xiān先bié别nán难shòu受 ，nǐ你tīng听wǒ我shuō说wán完tā它de的yòng用chù处 。zhè这jù句huà话zài在zhōng中wén文lǐ里yǒu有sān三gè个rèn任wù务 。Don't feel bad yet. Let me finish telling you what it's for. In Chinese that sentence has three jobs.
20Leosān三gè个rèn任wù务 ？Three jobs?
21小悦dì第yī一gè个 ，tā它shì是zài在gěi给nǐ你dì递tái台jiē阶 。tā他bù不zhī知dào道nǐ你zhōng中wén文shén什me么shuǐ水píng平 ，xiān先kuā夸yī一jù句 ，nǐ你jiù就bù不jǐn紧zhāng张le了 。First, it's easing you in. They have no idea what your level is, so they praise you first, and you stop being nervous.
22Leozhè这gè个wǒ我chéng承rèn认 。měi每cì次bèi被zhè这me么yī一shuō说 ，wǒ我què确shí实huì会fàng放sōng松yī一diǎn点 。I'll admit that. Every time someone says it, I really do relax a bit.
23小悦dì第èr二gè个 ，tā它shì是zài在biǎo表tài态 。Second, it's a declaration.
24Leobiǎo表shén什me么tài态 ？Declaring what?
25小悦biǎo表shì示wǒ我yuàn愿yì意gēn跟nǐ你shuō说zhōng中wén文 ，wǒ我bù不dǎ打suàn算qiè切chéng成yīng英wén文 。It means, I'm willing to speak Chinese with you. I'm not switching to English.
26Leozhè这gè个wǒ我cóng从lái来méi没xiǎng想guò过 。I never thought about that.
27小悦nǐ你xiǎng想xiǎng想 ，rú如guǒ果tā他bù不xiǎng想gēn跟nǐ你shuō说zhōng中wén文 ，tā他huì会zěn怎me么zuò做 ？Think about it. If they didn't want to speak Chinese with you, what would they do?
28Leotā他huì会zhí直jiē接shuō说 Hello，rán然hòu后kāi开shǐ始yòng用yīng英wén文 。They'd just say Hello and start using English.
29小悦duì对 。suǒ所yǐ以nà那jù句nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说dé得zhēn真hǎo好 ，qí其shí实shì是yì一zhāng张rù入chǎng场quàn券 。Exactly. So that line, your Chinese is so good, is really an entry ticket.
30Leorù入chǎng场quàn券 。zhè这gè个shuō说fǎ法wǒ我xǐ喜huan欢 。An entry ticket. I like that way of putting it.
31小悦dì第sān三gè个rèn任wù务 ，tā它zài在tián填kòng空 。The third job — it's filling a gap.
32Leotián填shén什me么kòng空 ？Filling what gap?
33小悦liǎng两gè个bú不rèn认shi识de的rén人zhàn站zài在nà那ér儿 ，zǒng总děi得yǒu有rén人xiān先kāi开kǒu口 。kuā夸yí一jù句shì是zuì最ān安quán全de的kāi开chǎng场 。Two strangers standing there, and someone has to speak first. A compliment is the safest opener.
34Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，nǐ你zhè这me么yì一shuō说 ，wǒ我hū忽rán然xiǎng想dào到yīng英wén文lǐ里yě也yǒu有yí一jù句yì一mú模yí一yàng样de的dōng东xī西 。Xiao Yue, now that you put it that way, I suddenly realize English has exactly the same thing.
36Leo How are you。How are you.
37小悦hā哈hā哈 ，wǒ我jiù就děng等nǐ你shuō说zhè这jù句 。Haha, I was waiting for you to say that one.
38Leozài在yīng英guó国 ，méi没yǒu有rén人zhēn真de的xiǎng想zhī知dào道nǐ你hǎo好bù不hǎo好 。nǐ你zhǐ只yào要shuō说 I am fine，rán然hòu后gè各zǒu走gè各de的 。In the UK nobody actually wants to know how you are. You just say I am fine, and you both go your own way.
39小悦yí一yàng样de的 。tā它bú不shì是yí一gè个wèn问tí题 ，shì是yí一gè个dòng动zuò作 。Same thing. It isn't a question. It's a gesture.
40Leosuǒ所yǐ以nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说dé得zhēn真hǎo好 ，yě也bú不shì是yí一gè个píng评jià价 ，shì是yí一gè个dòng动zuò作 。So your Chinese is so good isn't an evaluation either. It's a gesture.
41小悦nǐ你jīn今tiān天jìn进bù步hěn很kuài快 。You're catching on fast today.
42Leoděng等yī一xià下 ，nǐ你gāng刚cái才shì是bù不shì是zài在kuā夸wǒ我 ？Hold on — did you just praise me?
43小悦shì是 。ér而qiě且shì是lóng笼tǒng统de的nà那zhǒng种 ，nǐ你xiān先jì记zhe着 ，děng等huì会ér儿wǒ我men们yào要yòng用tā它dāng当fǎn反miàn面jiào教cái材 。Yes. And it was the vague kind. Keep it in mind, because later we're using it as a bad example.
44Leohǎo好 ，wǒ我jì记zhù住le了 。nà那wèn问tí题lái来le了 ，wǒ我zěn怎me么zhī知dào道nǎ哪yí一cì次shì是zhēn真de的 ？Okay, noted. So here's the question. How do I know which ones are real?
45小悦wǒ我gěi给nǐ你sì四tiáo条pàn判duàn断biāo标zhǔn准 ，hěn很hǎo好yòng用 ，nǐ你jì记yí一xià下 。I'll give you four tests. They work well. Write them down.
46Leoděng等wǒ我ná拿běn本zi子 。Let me grab my notebook.
47小悦dì第yī一tiáo条 ，kàn看zhè这jù句huà话chū出xiàn现zài在dì第jǐ几jù句 。Test one. Notice how far into the conversation it shows up.
48Leodì第jǐ几jù句 ？How far in?
49小悦nǐ你shuō说le了bā八gè个zì字tā他jiù就kuā夸nǐ你 ，nà那shì是zhāo招hū呼 。nǐ你men们yǐ已jīng经liáo聊le了èr二shí十fēn分zhōng钟 ，tā他hū忽rán然tíng停xià下lái来shuō说 ，nǐ你zhōng中wén文zhēn真de的hěn很hǎo好 ，nà那cái才shì是zhēn真de的 。You said eight characters and they praise you, that's a greeting. You've been talking for twenty minutes and they suddenly stop and say, your Chinese is really good — that one is real.
50Leoyīn因wèi为liáo聊le了èr二shí十fēn分zhōng钟 ，tā他shǒu手lǐ里yǒu有zú足gòu够de的xìn信xī息le了 。Because after twenty minutes they actually have enough information.
51小悦duì对 。kuā夸jiǎng奖chū出xiàn现de得yuè越wǎn晚 ，hán含jīn金liàng量yuè越gāo高 。Right. The later a compliment shows up, the higher its gold content.
52Leohán含jīn金liàng量 。zhè这gè个cí词shì是shén什me么yì意si思 ？Gold content. What does that word mean?
53小悦jiù就shì是lǐ里miàn面yǒu有duō多shǎo少zhēn真dōng东xī西 。zhè这ge个cí词xiàn现zài在tè特bié别cháng常yòng用 ，bǐ比rú如zhè这ge个jiǎng奖de的hán含jīn金liáng量hěn很gāo高 。It means how much real substance is inside. It's very common now — like, that award has a high gold content.
54Leomíng明bai白le了 。dì第èr二tiáo条ne呢 ？Got it. What's test two?
55小悦dì第èr二tiáo条 ，kàn看tā他kuā夸de得lóng笼tǒng统 ，hái还shì是jù具tǐ体 。Test two. Is the praise vague, or specific?
56Leolóng笼tǒng统wǒ我zhī知dào道 ，jiù就shì是hěn很dà大hěn很kōng空de的nà那zhǒng种 。Vague I understand. The big empty kind.
57小悦lǒng笼tǒng统jiù就shì是nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说dé得zhēn真hǎo好 。jù具tǐ体shì是 ，nǐ你gāng刚cái才shuō说de的nà那ge个dǎo倒shì是 ，yòng用dé得tè特bié别dì地dào道 。Vague is, your Chinese is so good. Specific is, the way you just used dao shi was really idiomatic.
58Leowā哇 。rú如guǒ果yǒu有rén人zhè这yàng样kuā夸wǒ我 ，wǒ我kě可néng能huì会dāng当chǎng场kū哭chū出lái来 。Wow. If someone praised me like that, I might cry on the spot.
59小悦wèi为shén什me么zhè这yī一jù句zhè这me么yǒu有fèn分liàng量 ？Why does that one carry so much weight?
60Leoyīn因wèi为tā他bì必xū须zhēn真de的zài在tīng听wǒ我shuō说huà话 ，cái才shuō说dé得chū出lái来 。Because they'd have to be genuinely listening to me to say it.
61小悦wán完quán全zhèng正què确 。lǒng笼tǒng统de的kuā夸jiǎng奖shuí谁dōu都néng能gěi给 ，jù具tǐ体de的kuā夸jiǎng奖shì是yǒu有chéng成běn本de的 。Exactly right. Anyone can hand out a vague compliment. A specific one costs something.
62Leoyǒu有chéng成běn本 。zhè这sān三gè个zì字wǒ我dǒng懂le了 。It costs something. I understand those words now.
63小悦dì第sān三tiáo条zuì最zhòng重yào要 ，nǐ你yí一dìng定yào要jì记zhù住 ——kàn看tā他kuā夸wán完zhī之hòu后zuò做le了shén什me么 。Test three is the most important, and you have to remember it — watch what they do right after the compliment.
64Leozuò做le了shén什me么 ？What they do?
65小悦rú如guǒ果tā他kuā夸wán完nǐ你 ，mǎ马shàng上qiè切huí回yīng英wén文 ，nà那jù句kuā夸jiǎng奖qí其shí实shì是yī一jù句gào告bié别 。If they praise you and immediately switch back to English, that compliment was actually a goodbye.
66Leoděng等yī一xià下 ，zhè这gè个tài太hěn狠le了 。Hold on. That's brutal.
67小悦hěn狠 ，dàn但shì是zhǔn准 。tā他de的yì意sī思shì是 ，xíng行le了 ，wǒ我men们bié别wéi为nán难duì对fāng方le了 。Brutal, but accurate. What they mean is, all right, let's not put each other through this.
68Leonà那fǎn反guò过lái来ne呢 ？And the other way around?
69小悦rú如guǒ果tā他kuā夸wán完nǐ你 ，jiē接zhe着yòng用zhōng中wén文gēn跟nǐ你shuō说le了yí一jù句gèng更nán难de的 ，nà那cái才shì是zhēn真de的 。If they praise you and then say something harder to you in Chinese, that one is real.
70Leosuǒ所yǐ以zhēn真zhèng正de的kuā夸jiǎng奖bù不zài在nà那jù句kuā夸jiǎng奖lǐ里 。So the real compliment isn't inside the compliment.
71小悦zài在xià下yī一jù句 。It's in the next sentence.
72Leozài在xià下yī一jù句 。xiǎo小yuè悦 ，zhè这jù句huà话wǒ我yào要xiě写zài在běn本zi子de的dì第yī一yè页 。It's in the next sentence. Xiao Yue, I'm writing that on page one of my notebook.
73小悦dì第sì四tiáo条 ，kàn看dāng当shí时páng旁biān边yǒu有méi没yǒu有bié别rén人 。Test four. Notice whether anyone else was around.
74Leorén人duō多de的shí时hou候jiù就bù不suàn算shù数ma吗 ？So it doesn't count when there's a crowd?
75小悦bú不shì是bú不suàn算shù数 ，shì是chān掺le了bié别de的dōng东xī西 。dāng当zhe着yì一qún群rén人kuā夸nǐ你 ，tā他tóng同shí时yě也zài在zhào照gù顾chǎng场miàn面 。It's not that it doesn't count. It's mixed with other things. Praising you in front of a group, they're also managing the room.
76Leosuǒ所yǐ以nà那zhǒng种kuā夸jiǎng奖lǐ里 ，yǒu有yí一bù部fen分shì是gěi给bié别rén人kàn看de的 。So part of that compliment is for the other people.
77小悦duì对 。dān单dú独gēn跟nǐ你shuō说de的nà那zhǒng种 ，chéng成fèn分zuì最chún纯 。Right. The ones said to you alone are the purest.
78Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，wǒ我hái还yǒu有yī一gè个gèng更kě可pà怕de的wèn问tí题 。Xiao Yue, I have an even scarier question.
80Leoyǒu有méi没yǒu有yī一zhǒng种kuā夸jiǎng奖 ，qí其shí实shì是zài在shuō说wǒ我bù不hǎo好 ？Is there a kind of compliment that's actually telling me I did badly?
81小悦yǒu有 ，ér而qiě且bù不shǎo少 。zhè这yí一duàn段nǐ你bì必xū须xué学 ，bù不rán然nǐ你huì会bèi被kuā夸dé得hěn很kāi开xīn心 ，rán然hòu后shì事qíng情jiù就huáng黄le了 。Yes, and plenty of them. You have to learn this part, or you'll be praised into a great mood and then the whole thing dies on you.
82Leohuáng黄le了shì是shén什me么yì意si思 ？Dies? What does that mean?
83小悦jiù就shì是shì事qing情méi没bàn办chéng成 、tán谈bēng崩le了 。zhè这gè个xiàng项mù目huáng黄le了 ，jiù就shì是méi没zuò做chéng成 。It means it didn't work out, the talks fell apart. This project died means it never happened.
84Leomíng明bai白 。nà那nǐ你gěi给wǒ我jǔ举lì例zi子 。Got it. Give me an example.
85小悦kāi开huì会de的shí时hòu候nǐ你tí提le了yí一gè个fāng方àn案 ，lǐng领dǎo导tīng听wán完shuō说 ，nǐ你zhè这ge个xiǎng想fǎ法tǐng挺yǒu有yì意sī思de的 。In a meeting you propose a plan, and after listening the boss says, that's an interesting idea.
86Leozhè这bù不shì是hǎo好huà话ma吗 ？Isn't that a good thing to say?
87小悦rú如guǒ果tā他shuō说wán完jiù就zhuǎn转tóu头kàn看xià下yí一gè个rén人 ，nà那jiù就bú不shì是hǎo好huà话 。If he says it and then turns to the next person, it isn't.
88Leonà那shì是shén什me么yì意si思 ？Then what does it mean?
89小悦yì意sī思shì是 ，wǒ我bù不tóng同yì意 ，dàn但wǒ我bù不xiǎng想dāng当zhe着zhè这me么duō多rén人shuō说nǐ你cuò错 。It means, I disagree, but I don't want to say you're wrong in front of all these people.
90Leotiān天a啊 ，zhè这gè个wǒ我bǎi百fēn分zhī之bǎi百tīng听bù不chū出lái来 。Oh my god, I would never have caught that.
91小悦zài再gěi给nǐ你jǐ几jù句 。nǐ你hái还tǐng挺gǎn敢shuō说de的 。Here are a few more. You're pretty bold, aren't you.
92Leozhè这gè个tīng听qǐ起lái来xiàng像pèi佩fú服 。That sounds like admiration.
93小悦yě也kě可néng能shì是nǐ你shuō说huà话bù不kàn看chǎng场hé合 。It can also mean, you don't read the room.
94Leo ……wǒ我xū需yào要zuò坐xià下 。...I need to sit down.
95小悦nǐ你yǐ已jīng经zuò坐zhe着le了 。zài再lái来yī一jù句 ，nǐ你hěn很yǒu有gè个xìng性 。You're already sitting. Another one. You've got a lot of personality.
96Leozhè这jù句shì是bù不shì是nǐ你bù不hé合qún群 ？Is that one, you don't fit in?
97小悦nǐ你xué学de得zhēn真kuài快 。hái还yǒu有zuì最jīng经diǎn典de的yī一jù句 ，nǐ你jīn今tiān天tǐng挺jīng精shén神de的 。You learn fast. And the classic one. You look energetic today.
98Leozhè这jù句zěn怎me么le了 ？zhè这jù句wǒ我tiān天tiān天shuō说a啊 。What's wrong with that one? I say it every day.
99小悦rú如guǒ果duì对fāng方shì是dīng盯zhe着nǐ你de的liǎn脸shuō说de的 ，nà那kě可néng能shì是nǐ你jīn今tiān天qì气sè色bú不tài太hǎo好 ，wǒ我bù不hǎo好yì意si思zhí直shuō说 。If they say it while staring at your face, it might mean, you don't look well today, and I'm too embarrassed to say it straight.
100Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，wǒ我yào要huí回qù去bǎ把zhè这liǎng两nián年tīng听guò过de的kuā夸jiǎng奖quán全bù部chóng重xīn新xiǎng想yí一biàn遍 。Xiao Yue, I'm going home to rethink every compliment I've heard in two years.
101小悦bié别jí急zhe着xiǎng想 ，xiān先jì记yī一tiáo条guī规lǜ律 。Don't start yet. Learn one rule first.
102Leoshén什me么guī规lǜ律 ？What rule?
103小悦zài在zhōng中wén文lǐ里 ，yuè越mó模hu糊de的kuā夸jiǎng奖 ，yuè越kě可néng能zhuāng装zhe着bié别de的dōng东xī西 。In Chinese, the vaguer the compliment, the more likely it's carrying something else.
104Leomó模hú糊děng等yú于huà话méi没shuō说wán完 。Vague means the sentence isn't finished.
105小悦duì对 。zhēn真xīn心xiǎng想kuā夸nǐ你de的rén人 ，huì会gěi给nǐ你xì细jié节 。Right. Someone who truly wants to praise you gives you details.
106Leohǎo好 ，nà那wǒ我men们fǎn反guò过lái来 。bié别rén人kuā夸wǒ我 ，wǒ我dào到dǐ底gāi该zěn怎me么huí回 ？wǒ我xiàn现zài在zhǐ只huì会shuō说xiè谢xiè谢 。Okay, let's flip it. When someone praises me, how am I supposed to answer? Right now all I can say is thank you.
107小悦shuō说xiè谢xiè谢méi没cuò错 ，dàn但shì是zhǐ只yǒu有yí一gè个xiè谢xiè谢 ，huì会yǒu有diǎn点kōng空 。wǒ我gěi给nǐ你sān三dàng档 ，nǐ你àn按chǎng场hé合tiāo挑 。Thank you isn't wrong, but thank you on its own is a little empty. I'll give you three levels, and you pick by situation.
108Leosān三dàng档 ？Three levels?
109小悦dì第yī一dàng档 ，zuì最ān安quán全de的lǎo老sān三yàng样 。nǎ哪lǐ里nǎ哪lǐ里 、guò过jiǎng奖le了 、hái还chà差de得yuǎn远ne呢 。Level one, the safe old trio. Nali nali, you're too kind, and I've still got a long way to go.
110Leozhè这sān三gè个wǒ我tīng听guò过yī一bǎi百cì次le了 。I've heard those three a hundred times.
111小悦zhè这shì是wàn万néng能de的dǎng挡jiàn箭pái牌 ，rèn任hé何chǎng场hé合dōu都bú不huì会chū出cuò错 。dàn但shì是tā它yǒu有yí一gè个wèn问tí题 。They're a universal shield. You can't go wrong with them anywhere. But they have one problem.
112Leoshén什me么wèn问tí题 ？What problem?
113小悦yǒu有diǎn点lǎo老 ，yě也yǒu有diǎn点jù距lí离 。sān三shí十suì岁yǐ以xià下de的rén人 ，píng平shí时liáo聊tiān天yǐ已jīng经hěn很shǎo少zhè这yàng样shuō说le了 。They're a bit old, and a bit distant. People under thirty rarely talk like that in everyday conversation now.
114Leonà那nián年qīng轻rén人shuō说shén什me么 ？So what do young people say?
115小悦dì第èr二dàng档 ，jiē接zhù住 ，zài再jiā加yī一diǎn点zhēn真chéng诚 。bǐ比rú如 ，zhēn真de的ma吗 ？xiè谢xiè谢 ，wǒ我zuì最jìn近què确shí实zài在liàn练 。Level two. Catch it, then add a little honesty. Like, really? Thanks, I have been practicing lately.
116Leozhè这gè个wǒ我huì会shuō说 ！I can say that one!
117小悦hái还yǒu有 ，nǐ你zhè这me么yī一shuō说 ，wǒ我gèng更yǒu有xìn信xīn心le了 。huò或zhě者 ，wǒ我hái还zài在xué学 ，nǐ你bié别xiào笑hua话wǒ我 。Also, now that you say it, I feel more confident. Or, I'm still learning, don't laugh at me.
118Leozhè这xiē些tīng听qǐ起lái来shū舒fu服duō多le了 。Those sound much more comfortable.
119小悦yīn因wèi为tā它men们méi没yǒu有fǒu否rèn认duì对fāng方 。zhè这shì是guān关jiàn键 。Because they don't deny the other person. That's the key.
120Leofǒu否rèn认duì对fāng方 ？wǒ我méi没yǒu有a啊 。Deny them? I wasn't doing that.
121小悦nǐ你tīng听wǒ我shuō说gè个guī规zé则 ——zhōng中wén文lǐ里de的qiān谦xū虚 ，qiān谦xū虚yī一cì次jiù就gòu够le了 。Listen to this rule. In Chinese, being modest once is enough.
123小悦duì对fāng方kuā夸nǐ你 ，nǐ你shuō说nǎ哪lǐ里nǎ哪lǐ里 ，zhè这shì是dì第yī一cì次 ，hěn很zhèng正cháng常 。tā他zài再kuā夸yí一jù句 ，nǐ你hái还shuō说bù不hǎo好bu不hǎo好 ，wǒ我zhēn真de的hěn很chà差 。They praise you, you say nali nali. That's round one, perfectly normal. They praise you again, and you still say, no no, I'm really terrible.
124Leodì第èr二cì次jiù就yǒu有wèn问tí题 ？The second time is a problem?
125小悦dì第èr二cì次jiù就kāi开shǐ始gān尴gà尬le了 。The second time it starts getting awkward.
127小悦yīn因wèi为nǐ你děng等yú于zài在shuō说 ，nǐ你bú不huì会kàn看 ，nǐ你de的yǎn眼guāng光yǒu有wèn问tí题 。Because you're basically saying, you can't judge, there's something wrong with your eye.
128Leoa啊 ，wǒ我bǎ把tā他yě也yī一qǐ起fǒu否dìng定le了 。Ah — I'm rejecting them along with it.
129小悦duì对 。suǒ所yǐ以guī规zé则hěn很jiǎn简dān单 ：qiān谦xū虚yí一cì次 ，dì第èr二cì次jiē接zhù住 。Right. So the rule is simple. Modest once, catch it the second time.
130Leoqiān谦xū虚yī一cì次 ，dì第èr二cì次jiē接zhù住 。zhè这tiáo条tài太shí实yòng用le了 。Modest once, catch it the second time. That's so useful.
131小悦dì第sān三dàng档 ，shì是gāo高shǒu手dǎ打fǎ法 。jiē接zhù住 ，rán然hòu后bǎ把qiú球tī踢huí回qù去 。Level three is the expert move. Catch it, then kick the ball back.
132Leozěn怎me么tī踢 ？How do I kick it back?
133小悦nǎ哪yǒu有 ，gēn跟nǐ你bǐ比chà差yuǎn远le了 。huò或zhě者 ，hái还shì是nǐ你men们jiāo教de得hǎo好 。zài再huò或zhě者 ，wǒ我zhè这shì是gēn跟nǐ你xué学de的 。Not at all, I'm nowhere near you. Or, it's because you all taught me well. Or, I learned this from you.
134Leozhè这sān三jù句dōu都zài在kuā夸duì对fāng方 。All three of those praise the other person.
135小悦duì对 。nǐ你bǎ把yī一gè个kuā夸jiǎng奖 ，biàn变chéng成le了yī一lái来yī一huí回 。Right. You turn one compliment into a back-and-forth.
136Leowǒ我fā发xiàn现nǐ你men们zhōng中guó国rén人liáo聊tiān天tè特bié别xǐ喜huan欢lái来huí回 。I've noticed you Chinese really like the back-and-forth.
137小悦yīn因wèi为yī一gè个rén人jiē接bù不zhù住 ，liǎng两gè个rén人cái才jiào叫liáo聊tiān天 。Because one person can't carry it. Two people make a conversation.
138Leoděng等yī一xià下 ，nà那fǎn反guò过lái来de的qíng情kuàng况ne呢 ？Wait, what about the reverse?
139小悦shén什me么fǎn反guò过lái来 ？Which reverse?
140Leowǒ我kuā夸le了yí一gè个zhōng中guó国rén人 ，tā他shuō说nǎ哪lǐ里nǎ哪lǐ里 。rán然hòu后ne呢 ？I praise a Chinese person, and they say nali nali. Then what?
141小悦rán然hòu后nǐ你zěn怎me么bàn办 ？Then what do you do?
142Leowǒ我yī一bān般jiù就xiào笑yī一xià下 ，rán然hòu后jiù就méi没huà话le了 。I usually just smile, and then I run out of things to say.
143小悦nà那jiù就lěng冷chǎng场le了 。nǐ你hái还yào要zài再tuī推yī一cì次 。Then the conversation dies. You have to push once more.
144Leozài再tuī推yī一cì次 ？Push again?
145小悦duì对 。tā他shuō说nǎ哪lǐ里nǎ哪lǐ里 ，nǐ你jiù就shuō说 ，zhēn真de的 ，wǒ我bù不shì是kè客qi气 ，wǒ我gāng刚cái才shì是rèn认zhēn真kàn看le了de的 。Yes. They say nali nali, and you say, really, I'm not being polite, I actually looked closely.
146Leowǒ我bù不shì是kè客qi气 。zhè这wǔ五gè个zì字shì是zhòng重diǎn点 。I'm not being polite. Those are the key words.
147小悦fēi非cháng常zhòng重diǎn点 。yīn因wèi为tā他gāng刚cái才jiù就shì是bǎ把nǐ你de的huà话dàng当chéng成kè客qì气le了 。Very key. Because they just took your words as politeness.
148Leosuǒ所yǐ以wǒ我děi得gào告su诉tā他 ，zhè这yī一cì次shì是zhēn真de的 。So I have to tell them, this time it's real.
149小悦duì对 。kuā夸jiǎng奖yě也yào要tuī推liǎng两cì次 ，gēn跟ràng让zuò座 、sòng送lǐ礼shì是yí一gè个dào道lǐ理 ，dōu都shì是yì一lái来yì一huí回 。Right. A compliment gets offered twice too. Same logic as offering your seat or giving a gift. It's all back-and-forth.
150Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，hái还yǒu有yī一jiàn件shì事wǒ我yī一zhí直jué觉de得hěn很qí奇guài怪 。Xiao Yue, there's another thing I've always found strange.
152Leowǒ我shàng上gè个yuè月kuā夸yī一gè个xué学shēng生de的mā妈mā妈 ，wǒ我shuō说 ，nǐ你nǚ女ér儿gāng钢qín琴tán弹de得zhēn真hǎo好 。Last month I praised a student's mother. I said, your daughter plays the piano beautifully.
153小悦tā她zěn怎me么huí回 ？How did she answer?
154Leotā她mǎ马shàng上shuō说 ，nǎ哪yǒu有nǎ哪yǒu有 ，tā她bèn笨dé得hěn很 ，tiān天tiān天tōu偷lǎn懒 。She said right away, not at all, she's very slow, she slacks off every day.
155小悦tài太jīng经diǎn典le了 。So classic.
156Leokě可shì是nà那gè个nǚ女hái孩jiù就zhàn站zài在páng旁biān边a啊 。wǒ我dāng当shí时tè特bié别tì替tā她nán难guò过 。But the girl was standing right there. I felt so bad for her.
157小悦zhè这ge个wǒ我chéng承rèn认 ，shì是wǒ我men们wén文huà化lǐ里bǐ比jiào较shāng伤rén人de的yí一bù部fen分 。I'll admit it. That's one of the more hurtful parts of our culture.
158Leosuǒ所yǐ以nǐ你men们zì自jǐ己yě也zhī知dào道tā它shāng伤rén人 ？So you know yourselves that it hurts?
159小悦xiàn现zài在yuè越lái来yuè越duō多rén人zhī知dào道le了 。dàn但shì是nǐ你yào要xiān先míng明bai白 ，tā他men们wèi为shén什me么zhè这me么shuō说 。More and more people know now. But first you need to understand why they say it.
161小悦yīn因wèi为zài在zhōng中guó国 ，píng评jià价zì自jǐ己rén人shì是yǒu有jiǎng讲jiū究de的 。kuā夸zì自jǐ己de的hái孩zi子 ，chà差bù不duō多děng等yú于kuā夸zì自jǐ己 。Because in China, judging your own people has rules. Praising your own child is close to praising yourself.
162Leoō喔 ，suǒ所yǐ以tā他shì是zài在duǒ躲kāi开zì自kuā夸 。Oh, so she's dodging the bragging.
163小悦duì对 。tā他bú不shì是zhēn真de的jué觉de得nǚ女ér儿bèn笨 ，tā他shì是zài在bǎ把píng评jià价quán权liú留gěi给nǐ你 。Right. She doesn't actually think her daughter is slow. She's leaving the judgment to you.
164Leoliú留gěi给wǒ我 ？Leaving it to me?
165小悦tā他xiān先bǎ把huà话shuō说de得hěn很dī低 ，jiù就děng等zhe着nǐ你wǎng往shàng上tái抬 。She puts it low first, and waits for you to lift it back up.
166Leoděng等zhe着wǒ我shuō说 ，nǎ哪lǐ里 ，wǒ我kàn看tā她bǐ比wǒ我men们jiā家nà那ge个qiáng强duō多le了 。Waiting for me to say, no way, I think she's much better than the one in our house.
167小悦nǐ你wán完quán全shuō说duì对le了 。zhè这shì是yī一gè个shuāng双rén人yóu游xì戏 ，yī一gè个rén人wǎng往xià下yā压 ，yī一gè个rén人wǎng往shàng上tái抬 。You've got it exactly. It's a two-player game. One presses down, one lifts up.
168Leonà那wǒ我zuì最bù不gāi该shuō说shén什me么 ？Then what should I absolutely not say?
169小悦nǐ你qiān千wàn万bié别jiē接shì是a啊 ，tā她shì是yǒu有diǎn点lǎn懒 。Whatever you do, don't reply, yeah, she is a bit lazy.
170Leonà那jiù就wán完le了 。That would be the end.
171小悦nà那jiù就chè彻dǐ底wán完le了 ，ér而qiě且nà那ge个mā妈ma妈huì会jì记hěn很jiǔ久 。Completely the end. And that mother will remember it for a long time.
172Leonà那wǒ我gāi该zěn怎me么tái抬 ？So how do I lift it?
173小悦wǎng往shàng上tái抬 ，ér而qiě且yào要tái抬jù具tǐ体de的 。Lift it up, and lift something specific.
174Leobǐ比rú如 ？For example?
175小悦bǐ比rú如 ，néng能zuò坐dé得zhù住liàn练zhè这me么jiǔ久 ，zhè这yì一diǎn点jiù就hěn很nán难dé得le了 。Like, being able to sit still and practice that long, that alone is rare.
176Leokuā夸de的shì是nǔ努lì力 。You're praising the effort.
177小悦kuā夸nǔ努lì力 ，bǐ比kuā夸tiān天fèn分ān安quán全yī一bǎi百bèi倍 。zhè这gè个wǒ我men们děng等yī一xià下zhuān专mén门shuō说 。Praising effort is a hundred times safer than praising talent. We'll come back to that.
178Leonà那wǒ我men们xiàn现zài在jiù就shuō说ba吧 。wǒ我xiǎng想kuā夸zhōng中guó国rén人 ，dào到dǐ底zěn怎me么kuā夸cái才yǒu有xiào效 ？Let's do it now. If I want to praise a Chinese person, what actually works?
179小悦zhè这yí一duàn段zuì最zhí值dé得jiǎng讲 。hěn很duō多wài外guó国péng朋yǒu友shì是yí一piàn片hǎo好xīn心 ，kě可shì是kuā夸dé得ràng让rén人bù不shū舒fú服 。This part is the most worth covering. A lot of foreign friends mean well, but they praise in a way that makes people uncomfortable.
180Leowǒ我kěn肯dìng定fàn犯guò过cuò错 ，nǐ你zhí直shuō说 。I've definitely got it wrong before. Just tell me.
181小悦dì第yī一tiáo条 ，kuā夸jù具tǐ体 ，bié别kuā夸lóng笼tǒng统 。Rule one. Be specific, not vague.
182Leozhè这gè个gāng刚cái才shuō说guò过le了 。We covered that already.
183小悦gāng刚cái才shì是yòng用lái来pàn判duàn断bié别rén人 ，zhè这cì次shì是zì自jǐ己yòng用 。nǐ你duì对yí一gè个rén人shuō说nǐ你zhēn真hǎo好kàn看 ，tā她xīn心lǐ里kě可néng能jué觉de得nǐ你zài在kè客tào套 。That was for judging others. This time it's for you. If you tell someone, you're so good-looking, she may think you're just being polite.
184Leonà那wǒ我gāi该shuō说shén什me么 ？Then what should I say?
185小悦nǐ你shuō说 ，nǐ你zhè这jiàn件wài外tào套de的yán颜sè色tè特bié别chèn衬nǐ你 。Say, the color of that jacket really suits you.
187小悦chèn衬jiù就shì是pèi配de得shàng上 、hěn很hé合shì适 。rén人hé和yán颜sè色hù互xiāng相jiā加fēn分 ，jiào叫chèn衬 。Chen means it matches, it fits well. When a person and a color make each other better, that's chen.
188Leozhè这gè个cí词hǎo好yòng用 。chā差bié别zhēn真dà大 。That's a useful word. The difference really is big.
189小悦dì第èr二tiáo条 ，kuā夸nǔ努lì力 ，bié别kuā夸tiān天fèn分 。Rule two. Praise effort, not talent.
190Leowèi为shén什me么 ？kuā夸tiān天fèn分bù不shì是gèng更gāo高de的píng评jià价ma吗 ？Why? Isn't talent the higher compliment?
191小悦zài在zhōng中guó国bù不yí一dìng定 。nǐ你shuō说yí一gè个rén人yǒu有tiān天fèn分 ，chà差bù不duō多děng等yú于shuō说tā他méi没huā花shén什me么lì力qi气 。Not necessarily in China. Saying someone has talent is close to saying they didn't put in much work.
192Leoō喔 ，nà那fǎn反ér而bǎ把tā他de的gōng功láo劳jiǎn减shǎo少le了 。Oh, so it actually takes credit away from them.
193小悦duì对 。nǐ你yào要shi是shuō说nǐ你kěn肯dìng定liàn练le了hěn很jiǔ久 ，tā他huì会jué觉de得nǐ你kàn看jiàn见tā他le了 。Right. If you say, you must have practiced for a long time, they'll feel that you actually saw them.
194Leokàn看jiàn见tā他le了 。zhè这gè个shuō说fǎ法zhēn真hǎo好 。That you saw them. That's a lovely way to put it.
195小悦dì第sān三tiáo条 ，bú不tài太shú熟de的rén人 ，kuā夸dōng东xī西bǐ比kuā夸rén人ān安quán全 。Rule three. With people you don't know well, praising things is safer than praising the person.
196Leokuā夸dōng东xi西 ？Praising things?
197小悦kuā夸tā他jiā家de的cài菜 、tā他de的māo猫 、tā他diàn店lǐ里de的dēng灯 、tā他hái孩zi子de的huà画 。Praise their cooking, their cat, the lamp in their shop, their kid's drawing.
199小悦yīn因wèi为duì对bù不shú熟de的rén人lái来shuō说 ，kuā夸rén人tài太zhí直jiē接 ，huì会gěi给duì对fāng方yā压lì力 。Because with someone you barely know, praising the person is too direct. It puts pressure on them.
200Leonà那dì第sì四tiáo条ne呢 ？And rule four?
201小悦dì第sì四tiáo条yào要fēn分bèi辈fèn分 。nián年qīng轻rén人kuā夸zhǎng长bèi辈 ，zuì最hǎo好kuā夸de得xiàng像qǐng请jiào教 。Rule four depends on seniority. When a young person praises an elder, it's best to make it sound like asking for advice.
202Leoxiàng像qǐng请jiào教shì是shén什me么yì意si思 ？What do you mean, like asking for advice?
203小悦nǐ你bié别shuō说ā阿yí姨 ，nín您zuò做cài菜zhēn真lì厉hai害 。Don't say, auntie, you're an amazing cook.
204Leonà那shuō说shén什me么 ？Then what?
205小悦nǐ你shuō说 ，ā阿yí姨 ，nín您zhè这ge个hóng红shāo烧ròu肉shì是zěn怎me么zuò做de的 ？wǒ我zài在jiā家zuò做guò过sān三cì次dōu都bù不chéng成 。Say, auntie, how do you make this hongshaorou, this red-braised pork? I've tried three times at home and failed.
206Leozhè这shì是bǎ把kuā夸jiǎng奖cáng藏zài在wèn问tí题lǐ里 。That's hiding the compliment inside a question.
207小悦duì对 。zhǎng长bèi辈huì会tè特bié别gāo高xìng兴 ，yīn因wèi为nǐ你gěi给le了tā他yí一gè个jiǎng讲de的jī机huì会 。Right. Elders love it, because you've given them a chance to talk.
208Leozhè这gè个wǒ我yào要yòng用zài在wǒ我nǎi奶nǎi奶shēn身shàng上 。I'm going to use this on my grandma.
209小悦nǐ你nǎi奶nǎi奶huì会jiǎng讲yī一gè个xiǎo小shí时 。Your grandma will talk for an hour.
210Leowǒ我yuàn愿yì意tīng听yī一gè个xiǎo小shí时 。nà那yǒu有méi没yǒu有jìn禁qū区 ？I'd happily listen for an hour. So are there any no-go zones?
211小悦yǒu有 ，ér而qiě且yào要bèi背xià下lái来 。dì第yī一 ，bù不yào要kuā夸pàng胖shòu瘦 。Yes, and you should memorize them. One, don't comment on weight.
212Leokě可shì是wǒ我tīng听guò过zhōng中guó国rén人zì自jǐ己shuō说nǐ你shòu瘦le了a啊 。But I've heard Chinese people say to each other, you've lost weight.
213小悦shú熟rén人zhī之jiān间kě可yǐ以 ，hái还dé得kàn看guān关xì系yǒu有duō多hǎo好 。nǐ你yí一gè个gāng刚rèn认shi识de的rén人shuō说nǐ你shòu瘦le了hǎo好duō多 ，duì对fāng方xīn心lǐ里huì会xiǎng想 ，nǐ你shàng上cì次jiàn见wǒ我shì是shén什me么yàng样zi子 。Between close friends it's fine, and even then it depends how close. If someone you just met says, you've lost so much weight, they'll think, what did I look like the last time you saw me?
214Leo ……yǒu有dào道lǐ理 。...Fair point.
215小悦dì第èr二 ，bù不yào要wèn问nián年líng龄 ，yě也bù不yào要kuā夸nián年líng龄 。Two, don't ask about age, and don't compliment age either.
216Leolián连kuā夸dōu都bù不xíng行 ？Not even a compliment?
217小悦nǐ你shuō说ā阿yí姨nín您kàn看qǐ起lái来yì一diǎn点dōu都bú不xiàng像wǔ五shí十suì岁 ，qián前bàn半jù句shì是kuā夸 ，hòu后bàn半jù句jiù就bǎ把nián年líng龄shuō说chū出lái来le了 。If you say, auntie, you don't look fifty at all, the first half is praise and the second half just announced her age.
218Leodǒng懂le了 ，bié别bǎ把shù数zì字dài带jìn进qù去 。Got it. Don't bring the number into it.
219小悦dì第sān三 ，bié别kuā夸jià价qián钱 。Three, don't compliment the price.
220Leojià价qián钱 ？The price?
221小悦bié别shuō说nǐ你zhè这ge个bāo包hěn很guì贵ba吧 、nǐ你zhè这fáng房zi子dé得bù不shǎo少qián钱ba吧 。Don't say, that bag must have been expensive, or, this apartment must have cost a lot.
222Leozhè这gè个zài在yīng英guó国yě也hěn很bù不lǐ礼mào貌 。That's very rude in the UK too.
223小悦nà那zhè这yī一tiáo条nǐ你bù不yòng用xué学 ，nǐ你běn本lái来jiù就huì会 。Then you can skip this one. You already had it.
224Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，hái还yǒu有méi没yǒu有gèng更gāo高jí级de的kuā夸fǎ法 ？Xiao Yue, is there an even higher-level way to praise someone?
225小悦yǒu有 。zuì最gāo高jí级de的kuā夸jiǎng奖 ，bú不shì是dāng当zhe着tā他de的miàn面shuō说de的 。Yes. The highest-level compliment isn't said to their face.
226Leobù不dāng当miàn面shuō说 ？nà那zěn怎me么kuā夸 ？Not to their face? Then how?
227小悦nǐ你gēn跟dì第sān三gè个rén人shuō说 ，rán然hòu后ràng让tā它zì自jǐ己chuán传dào到tā他ěr耳duo朵lǐ里 。You say it to a third person, and let it find its own way to their ears.
228Leoděng等yī一xià下 ，zhè这zài在zhōng中guó国hěn很cháng常jiàn见ma吗 ？Hold on, is that common in China?
229小悦fēi非cháng常cháng常jiàn见 。nǐ你dāng当miàn面kuā夸yí一gè个rén人 ，tā他huì会jué觉de得nǐ你kě可néng能zài在kè客qì气 。Very common. If you praise someone to their face, they may think you're just being polite.
230Leokě可shì是bèi背hòu后kuā夸de的huà话chuán传huí回qù去 ，tā他jiù就zhī知dào道nǐ你shì是zhēn真xīn心de的 。But praise behind their back that gets back to them, then they know you meant it.
231小悦yīn因wèi为bèi背hòu后nǐ你méi没yǒu有bì必yào要kè客qi气 。Because behind their back you have no reason to be polite.
232Leozhè这ge个tài太lì厉hài害le了 。suǒ所yǐ以zài在zhōng中guó国 ，zuì最zhòng重de的yí一jù句kuā夸jiǎng奖 ，shì是cóng从bié别rén人zuǐ嘴lǐ里tīng听lái来de的 。That's brilliant. So in China the heaviest compliment is the one you hear from someone else's mouth.
233小悦duì对 。suǒ所yǐ以nǐ你yǐ以hòu后xiǎng想ràng让yí一gè个rén人gāo高xìng兴 ，nǐ你jiù就gēn跟tā他de的tóng同shì事shuō说 ，gēn跟tā他de的péng朋yǒu友shuō说 。Right. So next time you want to make someone happy, tell their coworker, tell their friend.
234Leowǒ我jīn今tiān天xué学dào到le了yī一gè个xīn新jì技néng能 。I've learned a new skill today.
235小悦zhè这gè个jì技néng能yǒu有diǎn点xīn心jī机 ，dàn但shì是hěn很nuǎn暖 。It's a slightly calculating skill, but a warm one.
236Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，wǒ我men们lái来yǎn演yī一xià下ba吧 。wǒ我pà怕guāng光tīng听jì记bù不zhù住 。Xiao Yue, let's act it out. I'm worried I won't remember by just listening.
237小悦hǎo好 ，wǒ我gěi给nǐ你sān三gè个chǎng场jǐng景 。dì第yī一gè个 ，nǐ你dì第yī一cì次jiàn见yí一gè个kè客hù户 ，wò握wán完shǒu手 ，tā他shuō说nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说dé得zhēn真hǎo好 。Sure, three scenes. First, you meet a client for the first time, you shake hands, and he says, your Chinese is so good.
238Leowǒ我xiān先yòng用pàn判jù据 。zhè这shì是dì第yī一jù句huà话 。Let me use the tests. This is the first sentence.
240Leosuǒ所yǐ以shì是zhāo招hū呼 ，bù不shì是kǎo考shì试 。So it's a greeting, not an exam.
241小悦fēi非cháng常hǎo好 。nà那nǐ你zěn怎me么huí回 ？Very good. So how do you answer?
242Leoxiè谢xiè谢 ，wǒ我hái还zài在xué学 。nín您pǔ普tōng通huà话hěn很biāo标zhǔn准 ，wǒ我yī一xià下jiù就tīng听dǒng懂le了 。Thank you, I'm still learning. Your Mandarin is very clear, I understood you right away.
243小悦mǎn满fēn分 。nǐ你huí回kuā夸le了tā他 ，ér而qiě且kuā夸de的shì是jù具tǐ体de的dōng东xī西 。Full marks. You praised him back, and you praised something specific.
244Leodì第èr二gè个chǎng场jǐng景 ？Scene two?
245小悦péng朋yǒu友qǐng请nǐ你qù去tā他jiā家chī吃fàn饭 ，zuò做le了yì一zhuō桌cài菜 ，nǐ你yào要kuā夸 。A friend invites you over and cooks a whole table of dishes. You need to praise it.
246Leowǒ我yǐ以qián前huì会shuō说 ，wā哇 ，tài太hǎo好chī吃le了 ，nǐ你tài太lì厉hài害le了 。I used to say, wow, this is delicious, you're amazing.
247小悦bù不cuò错 ，dàn但shì是tài太qīng轻 。nǐ你jiā加yī一gè个jù具tǐ体de的 。Not bad, but too light. Add something specific.
248Leonà那wǒ我shuō说 ，zhè这ge个yú鱼yì一diǎn点xīng腥wèi味dōu都méi没yǒu有 ，nǐ你shì是zěn怎me么zuò做dào到de的 ？Then I'd say, this fish doesn't taste fishy at all, how did you do that?
249小悦zhè这jù句huà话zhī之hòu后 ，tā他huì会jiǎng讲èr二shí十fēn分zhōng钟 。After that sentence, he'll talk for twenty minutes.
250Leotā他huì会jiǎng讲dào到wǒ我xiǎng想huí回jiā家 。He'll talk until I want to go home.
251小悦dàn但shì是tā他huì会jì记zhù住nǐ你yì一nián年 。dì第sān三gè个chǎng场jǐng景nán难yì一diǎn点 ——tóng同shì事ná拿le了yí一gè个fāng方àn案gěi给nǐ你kàn看 ，nǐ你jué觉de得yì一bān般 。But he'll remember you for a year. Scene three is harder. A coworker shows you a proposal, and you think it's mediocre.
252Leozhè这gè个wǒ我zuì最pà怕 。That's the one I dread most.
253小悦xiān先gěi给yí一gè个zhēn真de的yōu优diǎn点 ，zài再yòng用wèn问tí题de的fāng方shì式tí提yì意jiàn见 。Give one genuine strength first, then raise your concern as a question.
254Leonǐ你zhè这gè个kāi开tóu头hěn很zhuā抓rén人 ，wǒ我hěn很xǐ喜huan欢 。zhōng中jiān间zhè这yī一duàn段de的shùn顺xù序 ，wǒ我yǒu有diǎn点gēn跟bù不shàng上 ，shì是bù不shì是kě可yǐ以wǎng往qián前nuó挪yī一nuó挪 ？Your opening really grabs me, I like it. The order of this middle part, I had trouble following it. Could it move earlier?
255小悦 Leo，nǐ你yǐ已jīng经huì会shuō说zhōng中guó国huà话le了 。Leo, you're speaking like a Chinese person now.
256Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，zhè这hǎo好xiàng像bú不shì是zhōng中wén文de的wèn问tí题 ，zhè这shì是zuò做rén人de的wèn问tí题 。Xiao Yue, this doesn't sound like a Chinese problem. It's a how-to-treat-people problem.
257小悦zài在zhōng中wén文lǐ里 ，zhè这liǎng两gè个jīng经cháng常shì是tóng同yī一jiàn件shì事 。In Chinese, those two are often the same thing.
258Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，wǒ我kě可yǐ以shuō说yī一jiàn件biē憋le了hěn很jiǔ久de的shì事ma吗 ？Xiao Yue, can I say something I've been holding in for a long time?
260Leowǒ我zài在háng杭zhōu州kuài快liǎng两nián年le了 。wǒ我xiàn现zài在zuò做mèng梦dōu都shì是zhōng中wén文de的 。I've been in Hangzhou almost two years. I dream in Chinese now.
261小悦wǒ我zhī知dào道 。I know.
262Leokě可shì是wǒ我qù去mǎi买cài菜 、qù去lǐ理fà发 、qù去yín银xíng行 ，hái还shì是yǒu有rén人gēn跟wǒ我shuō说nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说de得zhēn真hǎo好 。But when I buy groceries, get a haircut, go to the bank, someone still tells me, your Chinese is so good.
263小悦nǐ你bù不gāo高xīng兴 。And it doesn't make you happy.
264Leowǒ我shuō说bù不shàng上bù不gāo高xīng兴 。jiù就shì是 ……yǒu有diǎn点lèi累 。I wouldn't say unhappy. It's just... a little tiring.
265小悦yīn因wèi为tā它měi每yī一cì次dōu都zài在tí提xǐng醒nǐ你yī一jiàn件shì事 。Because every single time, it reminds you of one thing.
266Leoduì对 。tā它zài在tí提xǐng醒wǒ我 ，wǒ我hái还shì是yī一gè个kè客rén人 。Yes. It reminds me that I'm still a guest.
267小悦zhè这jù句huà话wǒ我dǒng懂 。kuā夸nǐ你de的rén人yì一diǎn点è恶yì意dōu都méi没yǒu有 ，kě可shì是nà那jù句huà话lǐ里yǒu有yì一tiáo条xiàn线 。I understand that. The people praising you mean no harm at all, but there's a line inside that sentence.
268Leoxiàn线de的nà那yī一biān边shì是nǐ你men们 ，zhè这yī一biān边shì是wǒ我 。On that side of the line is you people, and on this side is me.
269小悦duì对 。ér而qiě且yuè越shì是nǐ你zhōng中wén文hǎo好 ，zhè这jù句huà话yuè越cì刺rén人 。Right. And the better your Chinese gets, the more that sentence stings.
271小悦gāng刚xué学sān三gè个yuè月de的rén人bèi被kuā夸 ，tā他huì会kāi开xīn心 。xué学le了liǎng两nián年de的rén人bèi被kuā夸 ，tā他huì会xiǎng想 ，wǒ我dào到dǐ底shén什me么shí时hou候cái才néng能bù不bèi被kuā夸 。Someone three months in gets praised and feels great. Someone two years in gets praised and thinks, when do I finally stop being praised?
272Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，nǐ你shuō说de得bǐ比wǒ我zì自jǐ己shuō说de得hái还zhǔn准 。Xiao Yue, you said that better than I could have myself.
273小悦yīn因wèi为wǒ我yě也bèi被huà划guò过nà那tiáo条xiàn线 。Because that line has been drawn around me too.
274Leonǐ你 ？nǐ你shì是háng杭zhōu州rén人a啊 。You? You're from Hangzhou.
275小悦wǒ我dì第yī一cì次qù去guǎng广dōng东 ，yòng用yuè粤yǔ语diǎn点cài菜 ，rén人jiā家kuā夸wǒ我shuō说dé得zhēn真hǎo好 。The first time I went to Guangdong, I ordered in Cantonese, and people praised how well I spoke.
276Leodì第èr二cì次ne呢 ？And the second time?
277小悦dì第èr二cì次wǒ我shuō说de得hǎo好duō多le了 ，hái还shì是nà那yī一jù句 。The second time I spoke much better, and got the exact same line.
278Leosuǒ所yǐ以nà那tiáo条xiàn线yī一zhí直zài在 。So the line was still there.
279小悦yī一zhí直zài在 。suǒ所yǐ以wǒ我tè特bié别xiǎng想gēn跟nǐ你shuō说liǎng两jiàn件shì事 。Still there. Which is why I really want to tell you two things.
281小悦dì第yī一jiàn件 ，nà那jù句huà话yǒu有duō多chóng重 ，bù不yóu由shuō说de的rén人jué决dìng定 ，yóu由nǐ你jué决dìng定 。First, how much that sentence weighs isn't decided by the person saying it. It's decided by you.
282Leoyóu由wǒ我jué决dìng定 ？By me?
283小悦nǐ你bǎ把tā它dāng当chéng成kǎo考shì试 ，tā它jiù就shì是kǎo考shì试 。nǐ你bǎ把tā它dāng当chéng成nǐ你hǎo好 ，tā它jiù就zhǐ只shì是nǐ你hǎo好 。Treat it as an exam and it's an exam. Treat it as a hello and it's only a hello.
284Leonà那dì第èr二jiàn件ne呢 ？And the second thing?
285小悦dì第èr二jiàn件 ，nǐ你kě可yǐ以yòng用yí一gè个wán玩xiào笑 ，bǎ把nà那tiáo条xiàn线cā擦diào掉 。Second, you can erase that line with a joke.
287小悦tā他shuō说nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说de得zhēn真hǎo好 ，nǐ你xiào笑yī一xià下 ，shuō说 ，xiè谢xiè谢 ，nǐ你pǔ普tōng通huà话yě也tǐng挺biāo标zhǔn准de的 。They say, your Chinese is so good. You smile and say, thanks, your Mandarin is pretty standard too.
288Leohā哈hā哈hā哈hā哈 ！zhè这gè个zhēn真de的kě可yǐ以shuō说ma吗 ？Hahaha! Can I actually say that?
289小悦nián年qīng轻rén人zhī之jiān间wán完quán全kě可yǐ以 ，duì对fāng方yí一dìng定huì会xiào笑chū出lái来 。nǐ你men们liǎ俩yí一xiào笑 ，nà那tiáo条xiàn线jiù就méi没le了 。Between young people, absolutely. They'll laugh for sure. Once you both laugh, the line is gone.
290Leonà那duì对zhǎng长bèi辈ne呢 ？What about with elders?
291小悦duì对zhǎng长bèi辈jiù就bié别yòng用le了 ，lǎo老lǎo老shí实shí实shuō说nǎ哪lǐ里 ，hái还zài在xué学 。Don't use it with elders. Just say honestly, not at all, I'm still learning.
292Leodǒng懂le了 ，yào要fēn分rén人 。Got it. It depends who.
293小悦 Leo，wǒ我yě也jiǎng讲yí一jiàn件wǒ我zì自jǐ己de的shì事 ，zhèng正hǎo好shì是fǎn反miàn面 。Leo, let me tell you something about myself too. It's the opposite case.
294Leofǎn反miàn面 ？The opposite?
295小悦wǒ我gāng刚cái才jiào教nǐ你zěn怎me么shí识pò破kè客tào套 ，kě可shì是wǒ我zì自jǐ己cuò错guò过yí一cì次 ，ér而qiě且cuò错dé得hěn很lí离pǔ谱 。I just taught you how to see through politeness, but I got it wrong myself once, and badly wrong.
297小悦wǒ我diàn店lǐ里yǒu有yí一gè个kè客rén人 ，jī几hū乎měi每gè个xīng星qī期dōu都lái来 ，měi每cì次dōu都shuō说 ，nǐ你zhè这ge个dàn蛋gāo糕zhēn真hǎo好chī吃 。There was a customer at my shop who came almost every week, and every time he said, this cake of yours is really good.
298Leonǐ你jué觉de得tā他zài在kè客tào套 。And you thought he was being polite.
299小悦wǒ我jué觉de得tā他shì是kè客qì气 。yīn因wèi为tā他měi每cì次shuō说de的dōu都yì一mú模yí一yàng样 ，yí一gè个zì字dōu都bú不huàn换 。I thought he was just being polite. Because he said exactly the same thing every time, without changing a single word.
300Leotài太lóng笼tǒng统le了 。Too vague.
301小悦fēi非cháng常lóng笼tǒng统 。suǒ所yǐ以wǒ我měi每cì次dōu都xiào笑yi一xiào笑shuō说xiè谢xiè谢 ，cóng从lái来méi没duō多wèn问guò过yí一jù句 。Extremely vague. So every time I just smiled and said thanks, and never asked a single follow-up.
302Leorán然hòu后ne呢 ？And then?
303小悦yǒu有yì一tiān天tā他dài带le了liù六gè个rén人jìn进lái来 ，shuō说 ，wǒ我péng朋yǒu友de的shēng生rì日dàn蛋gāo糕 ，wǒ我yào要zài在zhè这lǐ里dìng订 。One day he walked in with six people and said, my friend's birthday cake, I'm ordering it here.
305小悦tā他hái还gēn跟tā他péng朋yǒu友shuō说 ，wǒ我zhǎo找le了bàn半nián年 ，zhè这yì一jiā家zuì最hǎo好 。And he told his friends, I searched for half a year, and this place is the best.
306Leotā他shì是zhēn真de的 。He meant it.
307小悦tā他shì是zhēn真de的 ，ér而qiě且zhēn真le了bàn半nián年 ，wǒ我yí一cì次dōu都méi没jiē接zhù住 。He meant it, and he meant it for half a year, and I never once caught it.
308Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，zhè这gè个gù故shì事yǒu有diǎn点zhā扎xīn心 。Xiao Yue, that story hurts a little.
309小悦suǒ所yǐ以wǒ我jīn今tiān天bì必xū须bǔ补yí一jù句 ，bù不rán然wǒ我jiù就bǎ把nǐ你jiào教piān偏le了 。So I have to add one thing today, or I'll have taught you wrong.
311小悦huà话shì是hěn很pián便yi宜de的 ，xíng行dòng动hěn很guì贵 。nǐ你fēn分bù不qīng清yī一jù句huà话de的shí时hou候 ，jiù就wǎng往hòu后kàn看 。Words are cheap. Actions are expensive. When you can't tell what a sentence means, look at what comes after it.
312Leowǎng往hòu后kàn看shén什me么 ？Look at what?
313小悦kàn看tā他yǒu有méi没yǒu有zài再lái来 ，yǒu有méi没yǒu有dài带rén人lái来 ，yǒu有méi没yǒu有jì记zhù住nǐ你de的míng名zi字 。Whether they came back, whether they brought people, whether they remembered your name.
314Leosuǒ所yǐ以cóng从yí一jù句kuā夸jiǎng奖lǐ里kàn看bù不chū出zhēn真jiǎ假 ，cóng从xíng行wéi为lǐ里kě可yǐ以 。So you can't tell true from false inside a compliment, but you can from behavior.
315小悦ér而qiě且zhè这yī一tiáo条bù不zhǐ只shì是zhōng中wén文de的guī规jǔ矩 。And that rule isn't only a Chinese rule.
316Leoshuō说dào到zhè这ge个 ，wǒ我fā发xiàn现xiàn现zài在wǎng网shàng上de的kuā夸jiǎng奖yuè越lái来yuè越kuā夸zhāng张le了 。Speaking of which, I've noticed compliments online are getting more and more extreme.
317小悦nǐ你yě也fā发xiàn现le了 。You noticed it too.
318Leowǒ我yí一gè个xué学shēng生zuò作yè业xiě写dé得hǎo好 ，wǒ我zài在qún群lǐ里shuō说le了jù句hěn很bàng棒 ，jiā家zhǎng长huí回le了wǒ我bā八gè个jué绝le了 。One of my students did good work, I wrote a quick nice job in the group chat, and the parent came back with eight jue le, absolutely killed it.
319小悦hái还yǒu有wǒ我kū哭le了 、zhè这yě也tài太dǐng顶le了 。There's also I'm crying, and this is next-level.
320Leozhè这xiē些cí词àn按zì字miàn面kàn看dōu都dào到jí极xiàn限le了 。Taken literally, those words are already at the maximum.
321小悦kě可shì是shí实jì际shàng上 ，tā它men们dà大gài概děng等yú于diǎn点le了gè个tóu头 。But in practice they're worth about a nod.
322Leosuǒ所yǐ以cí词yuè越dà大 ，fèn分liàng量yuè越qīng轻 。So the bigger the word, the lighter the weight.
323小悦zhè这gè个gēn跟qián钱yí一yàng样 。qián钱yìn印duō多le了jiù就bù不zhí值qián钱 ，kuā夸jiǎng奖shuō说duō多le了yě也yí一yàng样 。It's like money. Print too much of it and it stops being worth anything. Say too many compliments and the same thing happens.
324Leonà那hái还shèng剩xià下shén什me么shì是yǒu有fèn分liàng量de的 ？Then what's left that still carries weight?
325小悦sān三yàng样 。dì第yī一 ，jù具tǐ体de的 。Three things. First, the specific ones.
326Leoyīn因wèi为jù具tǐ体shuō说míng明tā他zhēn真de的kàn看le了 。Because specific means they actually looked.
327小悦dì第èr二 ，huā花le了lì力qi气de的 。Second, the ones that cost effort.
328Leohuā花lì力qi气zěn怎me么suàn算 ？What counts as effort?
329小悦tā他zhuān专mén门pǎo跑yí一tàng趟lái来gēn跟nǐ你shuō说 ，zhuān专mén门fā发yì一tiáo条hěn很cháng长de的 ，huò或zhě者zhuān专mén门dāng当zhe着bié别rén人de的miàn面shuō说 。They made a special trip to tell you, or wrote you a long message, or said it deliberately in front of other people.
330Leodì第sān三ne呢 ？And third?
331小悦dì第sān三 ，gé隔le了hěn很jiǔ久hái还tí提qǐ起lái来de的 。Third, the ones brought up again long afterward.
332Leoō喔 ，guò过le了bàn半nián年tā他hái还jì记de得 。Oh, half a year later and they still remember.
333小悦nà那jiù就bù不shì是kuā夸jiǎng奖le了 。That isn't a compliment anymore.
334Leonà那shì是shén什me么 ？Then what is it?
335小悦nà那shì是wǒ我yī一zhí直fàng放zài在xīn心lǐ里 。That's, I've been keeping it in my heart.
336Leozhè这gè个bǐ比yī一bǎi百gè个jué绝le了dōu都zhòng重 。That's heavier than a hundred jue le.
337小悦suǒ所yǐ以nǐ你yǐ以hòu后kuā夸rén人 ，yě也yòng用zhè这sān三tiáo条 。bié别yòng用dà大cí词 ，yòng用xì细jié节 。So when you praise people from now on, use those three. Skip the big words, use the details.
338Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 ，wǒ我bāng帮nǐ你shōu收yī一xià下jīn今tiān天de的dōng东xi西 。Xiao Yue, let me wrap up today's points for you.
340Leodì第yī一 ，nǐ你zhōng中wén文shuō说dé得zhēn真hǎo好 ，duō多shù数shí时hòu候shì是zhāo招hū呼 ，bú不shì是chéng成jì绩dān单 。One. Your Chinese is so good is usually a greeting, not a report card.
342Leodì第èr二 ，sì四tiáo条pàn判jù据 ——chū出xiàn现zài在dì第jǐ几jù句 、lǒng笼tǒng统hái还shì是jù具tǐ体 、kuā夸wán完tā他zuò做le了shén什me么 、páng旁biān边yǒu有méi没yǒu有bié别rén人 。Two. The four tests. How far into the conversation, vague or specific, what they did right after, and whether anyone else was around.
344Leodì第sān三 ，bèi被kuā夸de的shí时hou候 ，qiān谦xū虚yī一cì次jiù就gòu够 ，dì第èr二cì次yào要jiē接zhù住 。Three. When you're praised, be modest once, and catch it the second time.
346Leodì第sì四 ，kuā夸bié别rén人yào要kuā夸jù具tǐ体 、kuā夸nǔ努lì力 、kuā夸dōng东xī西 ，bié别pèng碰pàng胖shòu瘦 、nián年líng龄hé和jià价qián钱 。Four. When you praise others, praise specifics, effort, and things. Never weight, age, or price.
347小悦zuì最hòu后yī一tiáo条 。And the last one.
348Leohuà话hěn很pián便yi宜 ，xíng行dòng动hěn很guì贵 。kàn看tā他yǒu有méi没yǒu有zài再lái来 。Words are cheap, actions are expensive. Watch whether they come back.
350Leozěn怎me么le了 ？What is it?
351小悦wǒ我bù不dǎ打suàn算kuā夸nǐ你jīn今tiān天zǒng总jié结de得hǎo好 。I'm not going to tell you that was a good summary.
352Leowèi为shén什me么 ？wǒ我jiǎng讲de得hěn很hǎo好a啊 。Why not? I did it well.
353小悦yīn因wèi为àn按nǐ你zì自jǐ己shuō说de的 ，zuì最gāo高jí级de的kuā夸jiǎng奖bú不zài在zuǐ嘴shàng上 ，zài在xià下yí一jù句 。Because, as you said yourself, the highest compliment isn't in the words. It's in the next sentence.
354Leonà那 ……nǐ你de的xià下yī一jù句shì是shén什me么 ？Then... what is your next sentence?
355小悦xià下gè个xīng星qī期sān三 ，wǒ我diàn店lǐ里yào要shì试yì一kuǎn款xīn新de的guì桂huā花jiǔ酒niàng酿dàn蛋gāo糕 ，pèi配fāng方wǒ我hái还méi没dìng定 ，nǐ你lái来bāng帮wǒ我cháng尝yi一cháng尝 。Next Wednesday I'm testing a new guihua jiuniang cake at my shop, osmanthus and sweet fermented rice. The recipe isn't final yet. Come and taste it for me.
356Leoxiǎo小yuè悦 。Xiao Yue.
357小悦zěn怎me么le了 ？What is it?
358Leonǐ你zhè这jù句huà话lǐ里 ，yī一gè个zì字dōu都méi没yǒu有zài在kuā夸wǒ我 。There isn't a single word of praise in that sentence.
359小悦yī一gè个zì字dōu都méi没yǒu有 。Not a single one.
360Leokě可shì是wǒ我xiàn现zài在tè特bié别gāo高xīng兴 。But I'm really happy right now.
361小悦yīn因wèi为wǒ我méi没yǒu有kuā夸nǐ你zhōng中wén文hǎo好 ，wǒ我zhí直jiē接gēn跟nǐ你shuō说le了xià下yí一jù句 。Because I didn't tell you your Chinese is good. I just said the next sentence to you.
362Leoér而qiě且shì是yī一jù句bù不róng容yì易de的zhōng中wén文 。And it wasn't an easy one.
363小悦guì桂huā花jiǔ酒niàng酿 ，nǐ你yào要shi是tīng听dǒng懂le了 ，nà那cái才jiào叫bì毕yè业 。Guihua jiuniang. If you understood that, that's what graduating means.
364Leowǒ我tīng听dǒng懂le了 。ér而qiě且wǒ我xià下gè个xīng星qī期sān三yī一dìng定dào到 。I understood it. And I will definitely be there next Wednesday.
365小悦nà那jīn今tiān天jiù就dào到zhè这ér儿 。That's it for today.
366Leorú如guǒ果nǐ你yě也bèi被rén人kuā夸guò过zhōng中wén文 ，wǒ我xiǎng想wèn问nǐ你yí一gè个wèn问tí题 ，bú不shì是wèn问nǐ你dāng当shí时gāo高bu不gāo高xìng兴 。If someone has praised your Chinese too, I want to ask you something, and it isn't whether it made you happy.
367小悦wèn问shén什me么 ？Ask them what?
368Leonà那gè个rén人hòu后lái来 ，hái还jì继xù续gēn跟nǐ你shuō说zhōng中wén文le了ma吗 ？Did that person keep speaking Chinese with you afterward?
369小悦zhè这gè个wèn问tí题 ，bǐ比nǐ你xué学le了duō多jiǔ久gèng更zhí值dé得huí回dá答 。That question is more worth answering than how long you've been studying.
370Leoxiě写zài在xià下miàn面 ，wǒ我yī一tiáo条yī一tiáo条kàn看 。Put it below. I'll read them one by one.
371小悦xià下qī期wǒ我men们diàn店lǐ里jiàn见 。yǐ以hòu后zài再yǒu有rén人kuā夸nǐ你zhōng中wén文hǎo好 ，nǐ你bié别máng忙zhe着qiān谦xū虚 ，xiān先děng等tā他de的xià下yí一jù句 。See you next time at the shop. Next time someone praises your Chinese, don't rush to be modest — wait for their next sentence.