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The clock taboo: why "送钟 (sòng zhōng)" sounds exactly like "送终" — seeing someone off at death — and other homophone taboos like umbrellas (伞→散) and pears (梨→离).; 红包 (hóngbāo) numbers: never give a "4" (sounds like death), why 6 and 8 are lucky, and playful amounts like 520 (I love you) and 1314 (forever).; 份子钱 (fènziqián): the cash gift you bring to a wedding, how much to give, and even/odd number rules.
A-Jie, I almost caused a disaster yesterday. It still gives me chills thinking about it.
What happened? You look really shaken.
My classmate's grandma turns eighty next month, and I wanted to give her something special. I spotted this gorgeous table clock at the mall and was about to pay for it.
Wait, you were going to give a clock? To an elderly person?
Yeah, it was really elegant, and I'd been saving up for ages. Then my mom called, and the second she heard, she panicked and told me absolutely not to buy it.
Your mom was so right to stop you. Tian Tian, in China you must never give a clock as a gift, especially not to an elderly person.
Huh? A clock is pretty and useful. Why can't you give one?
Because the words for "giving a clock" sound exactly the same as the words for seeing someone off at the end of their life.
Seeing someone off? What does that mean?
It means being at an elder's side to see them off when they pass away. So giving a clock to an elderly person is basically like saying...
Oh, I get it! That's terrifying! Thank goodness my mom stopped me.
So you see, gift-giving in China is really a whole art.
An art? How complicated can giving something be? I always thought as long as a gift was expensive and pretty, people would love it.
That's exactly the trap a lot of people fall into. With gifts, money and good intentions aren't enough, you have to know the unwritten rules. Give the wrong thing, and good intentions can backfire.
Then you have to teach me everything today. I feel like I just opened the door to a whole new world.
No problem. Today we'll go through the ins and outs of Chinese gift-giving from start to finish. Once you've got it, you'll never mess up a gift again.
Great! So where do we start? Let's start with that clock. Besides clocks, what else can't you give?
Okay, let's start with what you can't give. The most interesting category is what's called homophone taboos.
Homophone taboos? I know homophones, two words that sound the same or very similar. But what's a taboo?
A taboo is something everyone silently agrees you shouldn't do, something to avoid. A homophone taboo is when an item's name sounds like an unlucky word, so people just don't give it.
Oh, I see! So besides clocks, what else?
An umbrella, for example.
An umbrella? Giving someone an umbrella on a rainy day is so thoughtful!
Thoughtful, sure, but "umbrella," san, sounds like san, meaning to break apart. San means to separate, to split up. So giving an umbrella is like saying the two of us are about to split.
Oh, so couples definitely can't give umbrellas, that's like cursing yourselves to break up!
Exactly. And here's one you'd never guess, a pear.
A pear? Like the fruit? It's so sweet and fragrant, why not that either?
The fruit itself is fine, but "pear," li, sounds like li, meaning to part ways. And you especially can't cut one pear in half and share it between two people.
Even sharing it is a thing?
Because that's called "splitting a pear," which sounds exactly like "splitting up." Couples, spouses, and close friends avoid it most of all.
Oh my gosh, I used to share a pear with my roommate all the time. Turns out I was breaking a taboo the whole time!
Haha, between friends it's not that serious, but now that you know, better to avoid it.
Any more? I feel like I'm going to fill up a whole notebook today.
There's shoes too. "Shoes," xie, sounds like xie as in evil, and shoes are for walking away, so giving shoes hints that you want the person to leave and not come back.
That one I get, like "hurry up and go." What about a green hat? I've seen on TV that you can't give those either.
Haha, now you've hit the nail on the head. A green hat is an absolute no, especially for a guy.
Huh? Isn't green a nice, fresh color?
The color's fine, but "putting a green hat on a man" has a special meaning in China. It means his partner is cheating on him.
What?! That's a huge misunderstanding waiting to happen. One gift and the friendship capsizes!
Right, that's a joke you never want to make.
Okay, noted, green hats are a total minefield. Anything else?
There's another group, sharp things like knives and scissors. Best not to give those either.
You can't give knives? I was actually thinking of getting my dad a nicer razor.
Knives and scissors stand for cutting ties, like you're severing the relationship. But a lot of people don't mind so much anymore, a nice razor between family members is no big deal.
That's a relief. Oh, you keep saying no clocks, but what about a watch? Isn't a watch also for telling time?
Good question! A watch is usually fine, because it's called biao, not zhong, so there's no "seeing someone off" homophone, and a nice watch is often a very welcome gift. But with really traditional elders, some feel a watch also counts down time and mind it a little, so it depends on who it's for and how close you are.
So one different word changes everything. Chinese is amazing.
So before giving a gift, you always run the name through your head first: could it make someone think of something bad?
Okay, I've got the don'ts down. What about the do's? There must be something everyone loves to give.
Of course, the most foolproof one is the hongbao, a red envelope with money inside.
I know hongbao! The red envelopes elders give kids at New Year, with money inside.
Right, but they're used for way more than that. New Year, weddings, new babies, an elder's birthday, you can give a hongbao for all of them. And the amount matters too.
The number matters? Don't you just decide the amount yourself?
You set the amount, but watch out for a few numbers. First, never include a four.
Why not a four?
Because "four," si, sounds like "death." Give four hundred or forty, and the person will definitely feel uneasy.
Homophones again! So which numbers are the most popular?
People love six and eight. Six stands for everything going smoothly, and eight sounds like the word for getting rich. That's why you often see amounts like 600, 800, 660, or 880.
So there are all these good wishes hidden in the numbers! If I give a friend a hongbao, can I get a little creative?
Absolutely, young people love playing with numbers now. For example, 520 sounds like "I love you," and 1314 sounds like "forever and ever."
Wow, 1314 means "forever and ever"! That's so romantic, I'm writing that down.
Haha, but usually only couples or really close friends give amounts like that.
Got it. Oh, and I heard a WeChat red packet can only be up to two hundred yuan?
That's right, a single WeChat packet maxes out at two hundred, so to send more you use a transfer or send several packets at once to make it up. That's a little trick young people use all the time.
Good to know. You mentioned weddings earlier, I've heard a word for that, is it... fenziqian?
Yes, fenziqian, the cash you give the couple when you attend someone's wedding.
How much do you usually give? I've got my cousin's wedding next month and I'm already stressing about it.
It depends on how close you are and what's normal where you live. For a casual coworker or friend, maybe two or three hundred, or five or six hundred; for someone close like your cousin, it could be a thousand or even more.
That much? That's a lot of pressure for us students.
That's why young people jokingly call fenziqian a "sweet burden." The money you give out is actually remembered, and when you get married someday, they give it back. That's what we call reciprocity.
Is there a thing about odd versus even amounts?
There is! Happy occasions call for "good things come in pairs," so wedding money is usually an even number, like 600, 800, or 1,000. But for a funeral, you use an odd number.
You definitely have to keep those straight, you can't get them backwards!
That reciprocity thing you just mentioned, I've never heard it before. Can you break it down for me?
It's easy once you break it apart. "Li" is a gift, and "wanglai" is give-and-take. It means when someone gives you something, you have to give back next time; when someone treats you, you find a chance to treat them back.
So you can't just take and never give?
Right, taking without giving won't fly. If you only ever accept gifts and never reciprocate, over time people slowly stop wanting to give to you.
Is there an art to giving back too?
One rule to remember: don't let the value of your return gift be too far off. If someone gives you eight hundred and you give back a few dozen, it comes off as stingy. But you don't have to outspend them either, as long as the thought is there, it's fine.
So gift-giving isn't just handing over stuff, it's maintaining relationships. When I receive a gift, how should I react in the moment?
That brings us to polite phrases. When someone gives you something, you can't just say "thanks, I'll take it," that seems too distant.
Distant?
"Jianwai" means treating someone like an outsider, too formal, too cold. So first you gently push it back, saying something like, "Oh, you came, you didn't need to bring anything!" or "You really shouldn't have spent the money!"
And what does "pofei" mean?
"Pofei" means making someone spend their money, it's a polite expression. Saying "you shouldn't have spent so much" is a way of saying, "Oh, I feel bad that you spent money on me."
This is so complicated! You're actually thrilled inside, but you still have to turn it down first.
Haha, that's Chinese-style reserve. You don't say what you mean directly, you go around it. Your mouth refuses while your hands are already taking it. And the giver says, "It's just a little something, don't mind that it's small." Everyone knows what's going on, and nobody spells it out.
So even if you gave something really expensive, you still call it "just a little something"?
Right, that's modesty. Even if you're giving a fine bottle of liquor, you keep it casual and say, "just a little something, hope you don't mind." That way the other person feels no pressure taking it.
I'm realizing Chinese gift-giving is half about the gift and half about the art of what you say.
So the gift changes depending on the person and the occasion, right?
Of course. The gift varies a lot depending on who it's for. For example, when you visit someone who's sick, you absolutely can't give a clock, and don't put a big pot of flowers in their room either.
Not even flowers? Aren't flowers lovely?
Flowers for a patient are okay, but mind the color and type. Don't give a big bunch of white flowers, because white ones make people think of funerals. A small, brightly colored bouquet, or just some fruit or health supplements, is safer.
Got it, for a sick visit bring something cheerful and uplifting. What about visiting someone's home?
When you're a guest at someone's home, it's best not to show up empty-handed, there's a saying, "don't come to the door empty-handed." Some fruit, a box of pastries, or a nice bottle of wine all work well.
"Don't come to the door empty-handed," so you can't show up with nothing. What if I'm going to a friend's housewarming, when they move into a new place?
For a new home you can give a green plant or a nice decoration, to wish the place prosperity. But remember, still no clocks and no shoes.
Haha, clocks and shoes are officially on your blacklist. So... what about giving something to your boss? I'll definitely need that once I'm working.
That one's even trickier. I work in Shanghai, so I run into this around the holidays. The hardest part with a boss is the balance: too cheap and it looks like you don't care; too expensive and it looks like you're sucking up, deliberately flattering them, or even trying to buy them off, and then they won't dare accept it.
So what's actually appropriate to give?
Usually something appropriate and not over-the-top, like a local specialty from your hometown or a nice box of tea. It shows you care without putting them in an awkward spot. Remember, with a boss the point isn't expensive, it's appropriate.
A local specialty is great, it's thoughtful, not too pricey, and gives you something to chat about from home. Three birds with one stone.
See? You're already getting the hang of it.
A-Jie, you know so much about gifts, have you ever messed one up yourself? I don't believe you've never gotten it wrong.
Actually, yeah. My first year working, I wanted to pay a New Year visit to an elder, so I specially picked out an expensive box of imported chocolates with really fancy packaging.
What's wrong with chocolate? There aren't any taboos around chocolate, are there?
Chocolate itself is fine, the problem was that this elder had diabetes and couldn't eat sweets. I was so focused on picking something expensive and good-looking that I completely forgot to consider their situation.
Oh, how awkward, they can't really accept it or refuse it.
Right, the elder smiled and took it at the time, but I later found out they immediately regifted it to someone else. That's when I learned the most important thing about gifts: put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Put yourself in their shoes... so before giving, you first think about who they are, what they need, and what taboos they have.
Exactly. A gift isn't really about the object, it's about whether you've kept the other person in mind.
I have to write that one in my little notebook. Let me share one too. Last time it was my roommate's birthday, I gave her a lipstick, and she didn't like the color at all. It was awkward for days.
Haha, personal things like lipstick and perfume really are hard to give, unless you know the person's tastes really well.
This time the lesson really stuck. Gift-giving really is full of little rules everywhere.
But A-Jie, I have a feeling us younger people don't have as many rules about gifts as the older generation, right?
That's a sharp observation, it's the difference between two generations. The older generation really cares about face and rules: the gift has to be substantial, nicely wrapped, and impressive enough to hold up.
Yeah, my grandma's generation lugs big bags around when they visit relatives, like the more you carry the more face you have.
Exactly. But we young people care more about practicality and thoughtfulness now. Rather than a pile of stuff no one uses, give what the person actually needs.
Like when I give a friend a gift, I secretly peek at her shopping cart first, or just straight-up ask what she's been wanting lately.
That's the new generation's way of gifting, more direct and less hassle. And there's another big change: digital red packets.
Digital red packets! At New Year now I basically grab and send red packets on my phone, no cash at all.
Right, one tap through the screen and the money's there. It's convenient, sure, but older folks still feel that only real red paper has the holiday spirit and the sincerity.
True. My grandpa still insists on real envelopes every year, he says the ones on your phone don't feel like anything in your hand.
So you see, gift-giving is changing on one hand while keeping some old rules on the other. What changes is the form; what stays is the thought and the human warmth behind it.
But I've also heard that gift-giving can turn into a competition, you give something expensive, so I have to give something even pricier. It's a lot of pressure.
That's a very real problem. Once gifting becomes a competition, it loses its whole point. That's why more and more people say: don't stretch beyond your means just for show, give within what you can afford.
"Slap your face swollen to look fat"? What a vivid expression.
It means when you don't really have the money but push yourself for the sake of face, slapping your own face swollen to look plump. The worst thing in gift-giving is overreaching just for face; do as much as your means allow, and that's what "act within your ability" means.
So true. Gifts are meant to make relationships better, not to wear yourself out.
That line could honestly be today's summary.
Let me do a quick recap of today. First, the taboos: clocks, umbrellas, pears, shoes, and green hats, you can't give those carelessly.
Because of their homophones or unlucky meanings.
Second, hongbao and wedding money: no fours, six and eight are the most welcome; when you attend a wedding you give your share, and don't forget reciprocity.
Third, when receiving gifts you use polite phrases, "you came, you didn't need to bring anything," "you really shouldn't have," refusing with your mouth while beaming inside.
Fourth, tailor the gift to the person: no white flowers for a sick visit, don't show up empty-handed as a guest, and for a boss it's about being appropriate, not expensive.
And last, the most important one: a gift is about the thought, don't compete, and don't overstretch just for show.
Great summary, looks like you really learned something today.
Absolutely! I feel like I've gone from a total gifting newbie to half an expert.
Haha, well next time you give a gift, whatever you do, don't buy a clock.
Don't worry, I'll never forget the word "clock" as long as I live! Oh, and if your country has its own special gift-giving customs, or things you're not supposed to give, be sure to tell us in the comments.
Yeah, we're really curious how many interesting rules are hidden in different cultures.
If you enjoy our show, don't forget to like and subscribe, and share the video with a friend who's learning Chinese.
That's all for today. May your gifts always land right in the heart, and may you receive so many your hands go numb.
See you next time, and remember, gifts have their rules, but the thought matters most!
Adapted from a Simply Natural Chinese YouTube episode into a complete three-line website reading. This is not a word-for-word transcript.
The reading may differ from the original video or audio.
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