催婚

Leo, I went home for a family dinner last weekend, and in the space of one meal, I got asked the same question seven times.

Seven times? What question could be that important?

Guess.

Hmm... "When are you making us a cake"?

Haha, I wish. What they actually asked was — "Are you seeing anyone yet?"

Ah, that question! I know it all too well — my grandma just asked me last week.

Really? Looks like you've been "cui"-ed too.

"Cui"-ed? What does that mean?

There's a word in Chinese: "cuihun." "Cui" means to rush you, and "hun" means marriage.

Oh! Rushing you to hurry up and get married — that's why it's called cuihun.

Exactly. Today let's dig into this topic — Chinese-style marriage pressure.

Perfect, this is exactly what I need right now, haha.

Before we get into it, I need some gossip first — that "meetup" of yours, how did it go in the end?

You mean the blind date my dad's relative set up?

Yeah! You were a nervous wreck before you went, and then you never reported back.

Haha, well, we did meet. She was really nice, and we actually had a great chat.

That sounds promising. And then?

Then we discovered something we had in common — her mom forced her to come too.

Hahaha, two people forced into it, sitting there having coffee together.

Yep. We spent half the time complaining about our families.

I guess that counts as yuanfen — fate bringing you together, haha.

Now we're friends. As you guys would say, we're "venting buddies."

Haha, that's such an authentic way to use that word!

But here's the problem: when my relative heard it didn't work out, she immediately started arranging round two.

Haha, welcome to the world of young Chinese people. This is only the beginning.

So today you have to teach me how to "survive."

Okay, let me start with my family's dinner table. The moment I sat down, my eldest aunt got going.

With "Are you seeing anyone yet"?

That's just question one. There's a whole set after it: What do you do? How much do you make a month? Any plans to buy an apartment?

Wait, isn't that way too detailed? In the UK, those are all very personal questions.

That's why in Chinese we call it "cha hukou" — running a household check on you.

Cha hukou? I know "hukou" — that's the booklet where your family info is registered, right?

Right. When the police register your hukou, they go through your information item by item. Relatives grill you just as thoroughly, so we joke that they're "checking your hukou."

Haha, I see — that's such a vivid way to put it.

And my eldest aunt isn't the only one on the field. There's also my second aunt, my uncle's wife, my dad's sister...

Goodness, you have so many relatives.

That's why Chinese has another phrase: "qi da gu ba da yi" — seven aunts and eight aunties.

Wait — seven aunts and eight aunties? Do you really have fifteen relatives?

Haha, it's not a literal number. "Seven aunts and eight aunties" just means a big crowd of extremely enthusiastic relatives — nobody's ever actually counted them.

Got it — a big squad of relatives who love asking questions.

Exactly. Every holiday, they show up right on schedule.

So why do they care so much about whether you get married?

Partly it's genuine concern — they think you can't live well on your own. And partly... relatives like to compare.

Compare what?

Whose kid gets married first, buys an apartment first, has a baby first. The line I heard most that day was — "Your cousin's already on her second kid."

"Er tai"? Oh — that means a second child.

Right. Meaning: look at your cousin — she's already got two kids, and you don't even have a boyfriend.

Wow, that's brutally direct pressure.

That's the legendary "other people's kids" — they beat you at grades when you're little, and beat you at marriage when you grow up.

Haha, "other people's kids" — noted. That phrase is so useful.

Plus, my mom feels like she's losing face. When someone asks, "Does your daughter have a boyfriend yet?" and she can't answer, she feels "lian shang gua bu zhu."

"Lian shang gua bu zhu"... does that mean feeling embarrassed?

Yes — feeling awkward, like you're stuck on stage with no way down.

So the elders have their own pressure too.

Yeah. Sometimes the pressure gets passed down layer by layer: the relatives push my mom, and my mom pushes me.

Like a relay race — and the final baton lands in your hand, haha.

By the way, you said your grandma asked you too?

Yeah, on our video call last week, she suddenly asked, "Ziqian, when are you bringing a girlfriend home for Grandma to meet?"

Haha, she used your Chinese name — that means she's serious.

I had no idea what to say, so I just went, "Soon, soon."

Haha, "soon, soon" — you've already mastered the standard answer of young Chinese people!

That's the standard answer? I just blurted it out!

We'll get into that later. What about your mom's side? Does she pressure you too?

Not at all. My mom's British — she thinks I'm only twenty-three, so what's the rush? My sister Sophie is in the UK, and nobody ever asks her these things either.

One family, two completely different styles, haha.

Right. So I've always wondered — why do Chinese elders think you should be married by twenty-three or twenty-four?

Good question — we'll get to that in a bit. But first, let me tell you: the serious naggers don't just talk. They take action.

Take action?! Surely it's not that serious?

Haha, relax — I mean they take action by "arranging" things. Last month, my mom brought her best friend's son and just "happened to pass by" my dessert shop.

Passing by? What's wrong with that?

The problem is, my shop is in a little alley, and their family lives on the other side of the city — an hour's drive away.

Hahaha, what an amazing coincidence.

Right, and my mom fully committed to the act: "Oh my, what a coincidence! We were just coming to buy a cake!"

And then?

Then she pushed the guy right in front of me: "This is Auntie Zhang's son. He works at a bank. You young people have a chat."

Wow, set up on the spot. How did the guy react?

He was even more embarrassed than I was. He stared at the cake display the whole time, then actually bought a cake and fled.

Hahaha, well, at least you made a sale.

So this kind of meeting — pretending it's a chance encounter when it's actually planned — is called an "arranged coincidence" in Chinese.

"Ou yu" means running into someone by chance, right?

Right. It used to be such a romantic word — and parents turned it into a tactic.

That reminds me — my relative said the same thing last time: "Someday you young people should have a meal together. Just think of it as making a friend."

Haha, "just think of it as making a friend" — does that line sound familiar?

Very familiar! You taught me last time — "I'm just meeting a friend"!

Exactly! The playbook never changes, haha.

Apparently all the parents in China are using the same textbook.

Haha, exactly. Oh, and before the arrangement, there's usually one more step — sending the "profile."

Profile? What profile?

My mom sends me the person's intro on WeChat, like a resume: 1.78 meters tall, graduated from such-and-such university, works at a bank, owns an apartment and a car.

Wait, you need a resume to find a partner? That sounds like a job interview.

Haha, that's why so many young people joke that a blind date is just a job interview. Last time we talked about blind dates, remember "conditions" and "matching family backgrounds"?

I remember! "Men dang hu dui" — the two families being on a similar level.

Right, your Chinese keeps getting better. Oh, and some elders also check whether your "shuxiang" — zodiac signs — are compatible.

Zodiac signs? As in the twelve Chinese zodiac animals?

Yes. For example, some older folks think a Rooster and a Dog shouldn't be together, because there's an idiom, "ji quan bu ning" — when the chicken and the dog are together, there's no peace.

They'd keep two people apart because of an idiom? That's just...

Too mystical, right? Young people generally don't believe it — but there's no stopping the elders.

Okay, so finding a partner has more levels to clear than a video game.

So, now for today's main event — combat training: what to actually do when you're being pressured to marry.

Teach me quick — I can use it on the next video call.

Move number one: make excuses. For example, I say, "The shop's been really busy lately — I can't get away."

Ah, using work as a shield.

You even know the word "dangjianpai" — arrow shield?!

Hehe, picked it up from a TV drama.

Impressive. Yes — work, studies, being busy: all universal excuses.

And move number two?

Move two: deflect. Just brush it off with a few words and don't engage. Like what you said earlier — "soon, soon" — or "I'm seeing someone, I'm seeing someone."

What does "zai chu le" mean?