客气

Leo小悦，我先问你一个中文问题，这个问题困扰我一个多月了。

Xiao Yue, let me start with a Chinese question. It's been bugging me for over a month.

小悦你说。

Go ahead.

Leo如果一个中国人跟你说，改天请你吃饭，这个改天，大概是哪一天？

If a Chinese person tells you, let's grab a meal some other day, which day is that, exactly?

小悦哈哈哈哈。

Hahahaha.

Leo你笑什么？我是认真的，我真的等了一个多月了。

Why are you laughing? I'm serious. I've actually been waiting over a month.

小悦Leo，我不忍心告诉你，这个改天，可能永远不会到。

Leo, I hate to break it to you, but that some other day may never come.

Leo什么意思？他骗我？

What do you mean? He lied to me?

小悦他没骗你。他只是说了一句客气话。

He didn't lie to you. He just said a keqi phrase — a polite formality.

Leo客气话……所以那不是一个邀请？

A polite formality... so that wasn't an invitation?

小悦那不是一个邀请，那是一句谢谢。他只是用了一种听起来更热情的说法。

That wasn't an invitation, that was a thank you. He just used a warmer-sounding way to say it.

Leo等一下，我还有一件事一直没想明白。上个星期我去一个同事家做客。

Hold on, there's another thing I still can't figure out. Last week I visited a colleague's home.

小悦怎么了？

What happened?

Leo他一进门就问我，喝点什么。我学中国人，我说不用不用不用。

The moment I walked in he asked what I wanted to drink. I copied Chinese people and said no no no, I'm fine.

小悦然后呢？

And then?

Leo然后他就真的什么都没给我倒。我坐了两个小时，最后口渴得说不出话。

And then he really didn't pour me anything. I sat there for two hours, so thirsty I could barely speak.

小悦哈哈哈，这个我太熟了。你客气对了，可是你客气的次数不对。

Hahaha, I know this one so well. You were polite correctly — you just got the number of rounds wrong.

Leo客气还有次数？

Politeness has rounds?

小悦今天这一期就讲这个。听完这一期，你至少能少受两个小时的渴。

That's exactly what today's episode is about. After this, you'll save yourself at least two hours of thirst.

Leo那我们从头来。客气这两个字，翻译成英文到底是什么？

Then let's start from the top. How do you actually translate keqi into English?

小悦很多人翻成 polite，我觉得这就是第一个坑。

A lot of people translate it as polite, and I think that's trap number one.

Leo为什么？我一直是这么用的。

Why? That's how I've always used it.

小悦polite 是一种态度，你心里有没有礼貌，别人看不见。客气不是态度，客气是一套动作。

Polite is an attitude — nobody can see whether you're respectful inside. Keqi isn't an attitude. Keqi is a set of moves.

Leo动作？

Moves?

小悦对，是有来有回的动作。我说一句，你接一句，我再让一下，你再推一下。

Right, back-and-forth moves. I say something, you answer, I offer again, you push back again.

Leo听起来像打乒乓球。

It sounds like playing ping-pong.

小悦我一直用的比喻是打太极。两个人推来推去，谁都不用力，可是这几个来回必须走完。

The comparison I always use is tai chi. Two people pushing back and forth, nobody using force, but you have to finish the rounds.

Leo那如果我不接呢？

And if I don't return the ball?

小悦你不接，球就掉地上了。就像你那天，人家问你喝点什么，你一句不用不用，球掉了。

If you don't, the ball hits the floor. Like that day — he asked what you wanted to drink, you said no no, and the ball dropped.

Leo所以那句不用不用，不是答案？

So no no, I'm fine wasn't the answer?

小悦那不是答案，那是你的第一板。你打过去，等他打回来。

That wasn't the answer, that was your first swing. You hit it over and wait for him to hit it back.

Leo可是他没打回来啊。

But he never hit it back.

小悦因为你一口气说了三个不用。三个不用太用力了，在中国人耳朵里就像真的。

Because you said no three times in a row. Three is too much force — to Chinese ears that sounds like you meant it.

Leo我以为越客气越有礼貌。

I thought the more keqi you are, the more polite you are.

小悦这就是最大的误会。客气不是越多越好，客气是要刚刚好。

That's the biggest misunderstanding. More keqi isn't better. Keqi has to be just right.

Leo那我怎么分得清，哪一句不用是真的，哪一句是客气？

Then how do I tell which no is real and which one is just keqi?

小悦这是今天最值钱的部分，你记好，我给你四个办法。

This is the most valuable part of today. Write it down — I'll give you four ways.

Leo等我一下，我拿笔。

Give me a second, let me grab a pen.

小悦第一个办法，听他给不给你一个替代方案。

First way: listen for whether he gives you an alternative.

Leo什么叫替代方案？

What do you mean by an alternative?

小悦你要送人回家，他说不用了，我打车。这个不用了后面跟了一个我打车，那多半是真的。

You offer someone a ride home and he says, no need, I'll take a taxi. That no need comes with I'll take a taxi, so it's probably real.

Leo那如果他只说不用了不用了，后面什么都没有呢？

And if he only says no need, no need, with nothing after it?

小悦那多半是客气。真话通常带着理由，客气话通常只有那三个字。

Then it's probably keqi. A real no usually comes with a reason. A polite no is usually just those words.

Leo这个我记住了。第二个呢？

Got it. What's the second one?

小悦第二个，听他说得多快、重复了几次。

Second: listen to how fast he says it and how many times he repeats it.

Leo越快越是真的？

The faster, the more real?

小悦反过来。越快、越急、重复越多，越可能是客气。

The opposite. The faster, the more urgent, the more repeated — the more likely it's just keqi.

Leo为什么？这不合逻辑。

Why? That's not logical.

小悦因为客气话是脱口而出的，根本不用想。真的拒绝，人心里多少有一点犹豫，他反而会慢一点。

Because polite phrases come out automatically, no thinking required. A real refusal has a bit of hesitation behind it, so it actually comes out slower.

Leo喔……我那天说三个不用，说得又快又急。

Oh... that day I said no three times, fast and urgent.

小悦所以在他听起来，你是一个非常懂事的客人。

So to him, you sounded like an extremely considerate guest.

Leo我不想懂事，我想喝水。

I didn't want to be considerate. I wanted water.

小悦哈哈哈哈。第三个办法，看你们的关系有多近。

Hahaha. Third way: look at how close the two of you are.

Leo关系近的人客气少一点？

People who are close use less keqi?

小悦越近越少。很熟的朋友真的不想要，会直接说不想要。跟不熟的人，那个不用了里面水分就很大。

The closer, the less. A close friend who doesn't want it will just say so. With someone you don't know well, that no need is very watered down.

Leo还有第四个。

And the fourth.

小悦第四个，看当时有没有别人在场。

Fourth: look at whether other people were around.

Leo这跟别人有什么关系？

What do other people have to do with it?

小悦有人在场的时候，客气会加倍。因为那一刻他不只是在回答你，他还在给旁边的人看。

With an audience, keqi doubles. In that moment he isn't only answering you — he's also performing for the people nearby.

Leo所以两个人的时候说的不用，比十个人的时候说的不用，更可信。

So a no said between two people is more believable than a no said in front of ten.

小悦完全正确。你今天进步好快。

Exactly right. You're learning fast today.

Leo那我还有一个非常实际的问题。别人推回来的时候，我到底该推几次？

Then here's a very practical question. When someone pushes back, how many times am I supposed to push?

小悦中国人心里有一个不成文的数字，三。

There's an unwritten number in every Chinese person's head: three.

Leo三次？

Three times?

小悦你递东西，他推回来，你再递，这是第一个回合。他再推，你再递，第二个回合。

You hand something over, he pushes it back, you offer again — that's round one. He pushes again, you offer again — round two.

Leo第三次呢？

What about the third?

小悦第三次他如果还是推，而且这次说出了理由，比如我真的吃过了、我在开车、我医生不让我喝，那就是真的了。

If he pushes back a third time and gives a reason — I really already ate, I'm driving, my doctor won't let me drink — then it's real.

Leo那我就收手。

Then I back off.

小悦收手，而且要收得漂亮。你可以说，那我不勉强你了，下次我们再喝。

Back off, and do it gracefully. You can say, I won't push you then — we'll drink next time.

Leo为什么还要加一句下次？

Why add next time?

小悦因为那一句下次，是把这个来回留着，没有断掉。

Because next time keeps the exchange alive instead of ending it.

Leo喔，球还在桌上。

Oh — the ball's still on the table.

小悦对，球还在桌上。这句话你以后会用得上很多次。

Exactly, the ball's still on the table. You'll be using that idea a lot.

Leo小悦，我想请你帮我做一件事。

Xiao Yue, I want to ask you for something.

小悦你说。

Go ahead.

Leo能不能给我一个客气话的清单？就像单词表那样。

Could you give me a list of these polite phrases? Like a vocabulary list.

小悦可以，不过我要先给你一个总的规矩，不然清单没用。

Sure, but first I have to give you the overall rule, or the list is useless.

Leo什么规矩？

What rule?

小悦客气话不需要你去兑现，客气话需要你去接住。

Polite phrases don't need you to fulfill them. They need you to catch them.

Leo接住？

Catch them?

小悦对。你不用真的等那顿饭，你只要在当下回一句合适的话，这句客气话的任务就完成了。

Right. You don't need to actually wait for that meal. You just reply with the right words in the moment, and the phrase has done its job.

Leo这一句我要抄下来。好，我们开始吧。

I'm writing that one down. Okay, let's start.

小悦第一句，改天请你吃饭。

Phrase one: let's grab a meal some other day.

Leo这个我最熟，我等了一个月的就是它。

I know this one best. It's the one I waited a month for.

小悦它真正的意思是，谢谢你，我记着你的好。它是一句谢谢，穿了一件邀请的衣服。

What it really means is, thank you, I'll remember what you did. It's a thank you wearing the clothes of an invitation.

Leo那我该怎么回？

So how should I reply?

小悦你回一句，好啊，那我等你电话。轻轻地说，笑着说。

You say, sounds good, I'll wait for your call. Say it lightly, with a smile.

Leo不能说，那就这个周五吧？

Can't I say, how about this Friday then?

小悦可以，但那是把客气话变成真邀请，我们留到最后再讲，那是今天的高级用法。

You can, but that's turning a polite phrase into a real invitation. We'll save it for the end — that's today's advanced move.

Leo好，留一个悬念。下一句。

Fine, leave me in suspense. Next phrase.

小悦有空来家里坐坐。

Come sit at my place sometime.

Leo这个也是假的吗？

Is this one fake too?

小悦不是假的。它是真的，但它真的是在讲关系，不是在讲日期。

It's not fake. It's real — but it's real about the relationship, not about a date.

Leo这句话我得想一想。

I need to think about that one.

小悦它的意思是，我把你当自己人。可是如果他没有说具体的时间，你就别自己去订机票。

It means, I consider you one of us. But if he didn't name a specific time, don't go booking a plane ticket.

Leo哈哈哈哈。

Hahahaha.

小悦第三句，太麻烦你了。

Phrase three: I've put you to so much trouble.

Leo这个我听过很多次。

I've heard this one a lot.

小悦你要回，不麻烦，顺手的事。

You reply, no trouble at all, it was on my way.

Leo顺手的事，就是很容易，我没有多花力气？

On my way means it was easy, I didn't go out of my way?

小悦对。这句话的作用，是替对方把心里的负担拿掉。

Right. The job of that phrase is to take the burden off the other person.

Leo第四句。

Phrase four.

小悦让你破费了。

You spent too much on me.

Leo破费是花了很多钱？

Pofei means spending a lot of money?

小悦是花了钱，而且花得有点多。别人送你礼物、请你吃饭，你就可以说这一句。

It means money was spent, and a bit more than necessary. When someone gives you a gift or buys you dinner, you use this line.

Leo那对方怎么回？

And how does the other person reply?

小悦一点小意思，不成敬意。

It's just a little something, hardly worth mentioning.

Leo等一下，这两个词太难了。

Hold on, those two are too hard.

小悦不成敬意就是，我这点东西不够表达我的心意，请你别嫌少。

Bu cheng jing yi means, this little thing isn't enough to express how I feel, please don't mind that it's small.

Leo中国人送东西的时候，还要说自己送得少？

Chinese people give a gift and then say they gave too little?

小悦对，这是规矩。送的时候要往小了说，收的时候要往大了说。

Yes, that's the rule. When you give, talk it down. When you receive, talk it up.

Leo那如果我说，这个很贵，你一定会喜欢？

So what if I said, this was expensive, you're going to love it?

小悦那你就把对方的位置放低了，对方会不舒服。

Then you've put the other person beneath you, and they'll feel uncomfortable.

Leo我又学到一个坑。

Another trap learned.

小悦还有一句你在饭桌上一定会遇到，我随便做了几个菜。

Here's one you'll definitely hear at the table: I just threw together a few dishes.

Leo随便？

Just threw together?

小悦桌上摆了十道菜，做了一整天，她还是会说随便做了几个。

Ten dishes on the table, a whole day of cooking, and she'll still say she just threw a few together.

Leo这在英国完全相反。我们会说，我为你做了三个小时。

In Britain it's the complete opposite. We'd say, I cooked for three hours for you.

小悦所以你听到随便两个字的时候，千万别真的以为随便。

So when you hear just threw together, never actually believe it.

Leo那我要回什么？

Then what do I say back?

小悦你要夸。你说，这也叫随便？我在外面都吃不到这个味道。

You compliment. Say, you call this thrown together? I can't get this taste anywhere outside.

Leo这句我背下来了。

I'm memorizing that one.

小悦说到饭桌，还有一个场面你一定遇到过。两个人点菜，谁都不肯先点。

Speaking of the table, there's another scene you've definitely hit. Two people ordering, and neither will go first.

Leo太对了！他说你点吧，我说你点吧，我们就一直你点吧你点吧。

So true! He says you order, I say you order, and we just go you order, you order forever.

小悦哈哈哈，然后服务员站在旁边等了五分钟。

Hahaha, while the waiter stands there for five minutes.

Leo最后他说，我随便。可是我一点，他又说这个我不吃。

Finally he says, anything's fine. But the second I order, he says, oh, I don't eat that.

小悦因为我随便从来都不是随便。

Because anything's fine is never actually anything's fine.

Leo那我随便到底是什么意思？

So what does anything's fine actually mean?

小悦我随便的意思是，我不想承担点错的责任，但是我心里是有意见的。

Anything's fine means, I don't want to be responsible for ordering wrong, but I do have opinions.

Leo那我该怎么办？我快被这句话逼疯了。

So what do I do? That sentence is driving me insane.

小悦有一个万能的解法，你别问他吃什么，你给他两个选择。

There's a universal fix. Don't ask what he wants to eat — give him two choices.

Leo两个选择？

Two choices?

小悦你说，我们吃辣的还是清淡的？他一定会回答，因为这个不用他负责。

You say, should we go spicy or light? He'll answer for sure, because this one doesn't make him responsible.

Leo喔，我把大问题变成一个小问题。

Oh — I turn the big question into a small one.

小悦对。中国人在饭桌上不怕做决定，怕的是做了决定别人不满意。

Right. Chinese people at the table aren't afraid to decide — they're afraid the decision won't please everyone.

Leo那如果对方是长辈或者领导呢？

And what if the other person is an elder or my boss?

小悦那你就要先请他点，说一句，您先来，您比较懂。他推回来，你再点，但是要边点边问。

Then you invite them first: you go ahead, you know better than I do. When they push it back, you order — but you ask as you go.

Leo边点边问是什么样子？

What does asking as you go look like?

小悦你说，那我先点一个鱼，您看行吗？每一道都给他一个说不的机会。

You say, let me start with a fish, does that work for you? Every dish gives them a chance to say no.

Leo这样他就一直在桌上。

That way he stays at the table the whole time.

小悦你今天这个说法我要偷走了。

I'm stealing that line of yours.

Leo那下次点菜我就不怕了。

Then next time I won't dread ordering.

小悦再给你两句门口用的。第一句，慢走。

Two more for the doorway. First: man zou.

Leo慢走我知道，走慢一点？

I know man zou — walk slower?

小悦不是。慢走的意思是，我舍不得你走，你别急着走。

No. Man zou means, I hate to see you go, don't rush off.

Leo这个太美了。

That's beautiful.

小悦还有一句，有空常来。

And one more: come by often.

Leo这也是关系的话，不是日期的话？

That's also a relationship line, not a date line?

小悦你学会了。

You've got it.

Leo那我想问一句我最怕的。有人跟我说，我尽量。

Then let me ask about the one I dread most. Someone tells me, I'll try my best.

小悦哈哈，我尽量。

Haha, I'll try my best.

Leo他到底来不来？

Is he coming or not?

小悦我尽量的意思是，我大概率不来，但是我不想现在就让你失望。

I'll try my best means, I probably won't come, but I don't want to disappoint you right now.

Leo这也太温柔了吧。

That's unbelievably gentle.

小悦中国人不喜欢当面把门关上，他会把门留一条缝，让你自己慢慢看明白。

Chinese people don't like closing the door in your face. They leave it open a crack and let you work it out slowly.

Leo可是我们外国人看不明白啊。

But we foreigners can't work it out.

小悦所以你今天来上课了。

Which is why you're in class today.

Leo还有一种情况我也不会应付，就是别人夸我。

There's another situation I can't handle: when people compliment me.

小悦你的中文这么好，一定天天被夸。

Your Chinese is so good, you must get complimented daily.

Leo对，然后我就说谢谢，可是每次说完气氛都怪怪的。

Right, and I just say thank you, but every time the mood goes weird after.

小悦因为在中国，被夸的时候直接说谢谢，会显得你自己也这么觉得。

Because in China, saying thank you straight out makes it look like you agree with the compliment.

Leo那要说什么？

Then what should I say?

小悦老一点的说法是，哪里哪里。年轻一点的说，没有没有，还差得远。

The older way is nali nali. The younger way is, no no, I've still got a long way to go.

Leo还有别的吗？

Any others?

小悦还有一句很好用，你过奖了。

Here's a handy one: you're too kind.

Leo过奖就是夸得太多了？

Guojiang means you praised too much?

小悦对，就是你夸得超过我本来的样子了。

Right, it means your praise went past who I actually am.

Leo可是我心里其实很高兴。

But inside I'm actually really pleased.

小悦当然可以高兴。你可以先谦虚一句，再把这个好还回去。

Of course you can be pleased. Be modest first, then pass the compliment back.

Leo怎么还回去？

How do I pass it back?

小悦你说，哪里，还是你教得好。或者说，主要是今天这个话题我熟。

You say, not at all, it's because you teach well. Or, mainly it's just that I know today's topic well.

Leo喔，把功劳分一半给对方。

Oh — give half the credit to the other person.

小悦对，这样两个人都站得舒服。

Right, that way both people are standing comfortably.

Leo好，我现在会听了。那我自己该怎么说？

Okay, now I can listen. But what should I say myself?

小悦先说最重要的一句。当你决定接受的时候，你要说，那我就不跟你客气了。

Start with the most important line. When you decide to accept, you say, then I won't stand on ceremony with you.

Leo那我就不跟你客气了。这句什么时候用？

Then I won't stand on ceremony with you. When do I use it?

小悦别人第三次让你的时候，你要收下了，就说这一句。

When someone offers the third time and you're ready to accept, that's the line.

Leo为什么不直接说好，谢谢？

Why not just say okay, thanks?

小悦好，谢谢没有错，但是那我就不跟你客气了这句话里面，藏着一个很重要的信息。

Okay, thanks isn't wrong. But this line carries a very important message inside it.

Leo什么信息？

What message?

小悦这句话等于在说，我承认我们的关系够近了，所以我不演了。

It's the same as saying, I admit we're close enough now, so I'll stop performing.

Leo喔！这是一句让关系升级的话。

Oh! It's a line that upgrades the relationship.

小悦非常准确。第二句，太客气了，下次我来。

Very accurate. Line two: you're too generous, next one's on me.

Leo这句的作用是？

And what does that do?

小悦把这一次的人情记下来，同时把下一次约好。

It records the favor you just received and books the next meeting at the same time.

Leo又是把球留在桌上。

Keeping the ball on the table again.

小悦你今天真的开窍了。第三句，我给你带了点小东西，别嫌弃。

Something really clicked for you today. Line three: I brought you a little something, hope you don't mind.

Leo别嫌弃就是，别觉得我的东西不好？

Bie xianqi means, don't think my gift isn't good enough?

小悦对。你送东西的时候，一定要把自己放低一点。

Right. When you give something, always place yourself a bit lower.

Leo那我可以说，我给你带了点小东西，不知道你喜不喜欢？

So could I say, I brought you a little something, I don't know if you'll like it?

小悦也很好，而且更自然一点。

That works too, and it's a bit more natural.

Leo那反过来，如果是我要请别人帮忙呢？我每次开口都很紧张。

Then the other direction — what if I'm the one asking for a favor? I get nervous every time.

小悦这个更需要技巧，因为你是在给别人添麻烦。

This one needs more skill, because you're adding trouble to someone's day.

Leo我一般就直接说，你能帮我一下吗？

I usually just say, can you help me out?

小悦不算错，可是有一个东西你漏了，你要给对方一条退路。

Not wrong, but you left something out. You have to give them a way out.

Leo退路？

A way out?

小悦你在后面加一句，如果不方便就算了。

You add one line at the end: if it's not convenient, never mind.

Leo可是我加了这句，他不就更容易拒绝我了吗？

But doesn't adding that make it easier for him to turn me down?

小悦正好相反。你给了他退路，他反而更容易答应。

Exactly the opposite. Give him a way out and he's more likely to say yes.

Leo为什么？

Why?

小悦因为他知道，就算他说不，你们的关系也不会坏。人是在安全的时候才敢说好的。

Because he knows that even if he says no, nothing between you breaks. People only dare to say yes when they feel safe.

Leo这个我完全没想过。

I never thought about that at all.

小悦还有一句也很好用，你要是忙就先忙你的。

Here's another useful one: if you're busy, go handle your own stuff first.

Leo那如果他真的说不方便呢？

And what if he really says it's not convenient?

小悦那你就轻轻接住，说一句，没事没事，你先忙，我再想办法。

Then you catch it gently: no worries, you go ahead, I'll figure something out.

Leo不能问他为什么？

I can't ask him why?

小悦千万别问。你一问为什么，他就得编一个理由，那就变成你在逼他。

Never ask. The moment you ask why, he has to invent a reason, and now you're cornering him.

Leo所以中国人的客气，很多时候是在保护对方？

So a lot of the time, Chinese keqi is about protecting the other person?

小悦你终于说到最里面那一层了。客气不是为了让自己好看，是为了让对方不难做。

You finally reached the innermost layer. Keqi isn't about making yourself look good — it's about making things easy for the other person.

Leo这一句我要写在本子第一页。

I'm writing that on the first page of my notebook.

小悦写吧，这一句比前面所有的句子都重要。

Write it. That one matters more than everything before it.

Leo我还听过一个词，却之不恭，这个是什么场合用的？

I've also heard the phrase que zhi bu gong. When do you use that one?

小悦这个词书面一点，意思是，你再推就是不尊重对方了，所以我收下。

It's a bit more formal. It means, refusing again would be disrespectful, so I'll accept.

Leo那我什么时候可以说？

So when can I say it?

小悦别人真心送你，你推了两次他还坚持，你就笑着说，那我就却之不恭了。

Someone sincerely gives you something, you decline twice, they insist — then you smile and say, well, it would be rude to refuse.

Leo这一句听起来很有文化。

That one sounds very cultured.

小悦用对了很加分，用错了很奇怪，所以你要记住前提是他真心。

Used right it earns you points, used wrong it's strange. So remember the condition: they have to mean it.

Leo那我还有一个最难的情况。

Then I've got one more, the hardest situation.

小悦什么情况？

What situation?

Leo我其实很想要，可是按规矩我应该先推一下。我很怕我一推，对方就真的收回去了。

I actually want it, but by the rules I'm supposed to decline first. I'm scared that the moment I decline, they'll take it back.

小悦哈哈哈，这个担心太真实了。

Hahaha, that worry is so real.

Leo真的会有这种事吧？

It really does happen, doesn't it?

小悦会。所以有一个技巧，你推的时候，要推得软。

It does. So here's a technique: when you decline, decline softly.

Leo怎么叫推得软？

What counts as declining softly?

小悦你别说不用了。你说，这怎么好意思，太麻烦你了。

Don't say no need. Say, oh I couldn't, that's far too much trouble for you.

Leo这两句听起来还是在推。

Those two still sound like declining.

小悦可是这两句里面没有不字。没有不字的推，对方就知道你还在桌上。

But neither has the word no in it. A refusal without a no tells them you're still at the table.

Leo中文真的太精密了。

Chinese is unbelievably precise.

小悦所以我常说，中国人的拒绝里面，有一半是同意。

That's why I always say, half of a Chinese refusal is agreement.

Leo这一句太狠了，我要记一辈子。

That line is savage. I'll remember it for life.

小悦不过 Leo，今天还有一个更重要的部分，我怕你只学会前面那些，反而更糟。

But Leo, there's an even more important part today. I'm worried that if you only learn the earlier stuff, things get worse.

Leo怎么会更糟？

How could it get worse?

小悦因为在中国，客气过头是会伤感情的。

Because in China, too much keqi damages relationships.

Leo这我完全没想到。客气不是好事吗？

I never saw that coming. Isn't keqi a good thing?

小悦你跟一个人越客气，你们的关系就显得越远。

The more keqi you are with someone, the more distant your relationship looks.

Leo等等，你的意思是，客气是一个距离的温度计？

Wait — you're saying keqi is a thermometer for distance?

小悦这个比喻比我的好。客气越多，距离越远。

That comparison is better than mine. More keqi, more distance.

Leo那如果我对一个很好的朋友很客气……

So if I'm very keqi with a close friend...

小悦他会说一句话，你怎么跟我还这么客气。

He'll say one line: why are you still being so formal with me?

Leo这是在夸我吗？

Is that a compliment?

小悦这是在怪你。这句话真正的意思是，你把我当外人了。

That's a complaint. What it really means is, you're treating me like an outsider.

Leo把我当外人。这里有一个词我要问，什么叫见外？

Treating me like an outsider. There's a word here I want to ask about — what does jianwai mean?

小悦见外就是把对方当成外人。你跟朋友说太多谢谢，他就会说，你太见外了。

Jianwai means treating someone as an outsider. Say too many thank yous to a friend and he'll tell you, you're being jianwai.

Leo这个跟英国真的相反。我妈妈从小教我，谢谢要多说。

This really is the opposite of Britain. My mum taught me from childhood to say thank you a lot.

小悦我知道。你们的谢谢是润滑油，越多越顺。可是在中国人的关系里，谢谢有时候是一道墙。

I know. Your thank you is lubricant — the more, the smoother. But in Chinese relationships, thank you is sometimes a wall.

Leo一道很有礼貌的墙。

A very polite wall.

小悦你这句说得比我好。

You said that better than I did.

Leo那家人之间呢？我跟我爸爸说谢谢，会奇怪吗？

What about within a family? If I thank my dad, is that strange?

小悦会有一点。很多中国孩子跟父母说谢谢，父母会说，跟我还谢什么。

A little. When Chinese kids thank their parents, the parents often say, why are you thanking me?

Leo所以在最近的关系里，客气是要减掉的？

So in the closest relationships, keqi is something you subtract?

小悦对，要一层一层减掉。刚认识的时候客气最多，越熟越少，最后剩下的那一点才是真的。

Yes, layer by layer. When you first meet, keqi is at its highest. The closer you get, the less there is. What's left at the end is the real part.

Leo还有一个词我也听过，生分。

There's another word I've heard: shengfen.

小悦生分跟见外差不多。有人帮了你，你非要马上把钱还清楚，他会说，你这样就生分了。

Shengfen is close to jianwai. Someone helps you and you insist on paying them back immediately — they'll say, now you're making us distant.

Leo这些词都是在怪人，可是听起来像在夸人。

These words are all complaints, but they sound like compliments.

小悦哈哈，你算是摸到中文的门了。

Haha, you've found the door into Chinese.

Leo那我以后听到这两个词，就知道对方是在拉近关系。

So next time I hear those two words, I'll know they're pulling me closer.

小悦我跟你说一件我自己的事，说完你就懂了。

Let me tell you something about myself, and then you'll understand.

Leo我最爱听你的真事。

Your real stories are my favorite.

小悦我店里的面粉，两年都是同一个供应商，姓陈。

The flour for my shop came from the same supplier for two years. His surname is Chen.

Leo陈老板。

Boss Chen.

小悦我一直叫他陈老师，每次发消息都是麻烦您了、太谢谢您了、给您添麻烦了。

I always called him Teacher Chen, and every message was sorry to bother you, thank you so much, sorry for the trouble.

Leo这不是很有礼貌吗？

Isn't that very polite?

小悦非常有礼貌。可是有一次我急着要一批货，第二天早上就要用，我半夜给他发消息。

Extremely polite. But once I needed a shipment urgently for the next morning, and I messaged him in the middle of the night.

Leo他有送来吗？

Did he deliver it?

小悦他送来了。他把货放下的时候跟我说了一句话，我到现在还记得。

He did. And when he set the boxes down, he said something I still remember.

Leo他说什么？

What did he say?

小悦他说，小悦，你要是早点像个朋友一样跟我说话，这种事我早就替你想到了。

He said, Xiao Yue, if you'd talked to me like a friend earlier, I'd have thought of this for you long ago.

Leo这句话有点扎人。

That one stings a bit.

小悦当时我站在那儿，半天说不出话。我一直以为我是在尊重他。

I just stood there, unable to speak for a long moment. I'd always thought I was showing him respect.

Leo可是他觉得你在跟他保持距离。

But he felt you were keeping your distance.

小悦对。我那两年的客气，在他那里不是尊重，是一堵墙。

Right. Two years of my politeness wasn't respect to him — it was a wall.

Leo后来呢？

What happened after?

小悦后来我改了。我开始跟他说，陈哥，这次又得靠你了。

After that I changed. I started saying, Brother Chen, I'm counting on you again.

Leo就换了一个称呼？

Just by changing what you called him?

小悦换了一个称呼，还有语气。现在他来送货，会自己走到后面拿杯子倒水喝。

The name and the tone. Now when he delivers, he walks to the back himself, grabs a cup and pours his own water.

Leo他自己拿杯子，这就是关系变了。

He gets his own cup — that's the relationship changing.

小悦在中国，一个人在你这儿开始不客气，那才是关系真的开始了。

In China, when someone stops being keqi around you, that's when the relationship actually begins.

Leo小悦，我还有一个观察，不知道对不对。

Xiao Yue, I have one more observation — not sure if it's right.

小悦你说。

Go ahead.

Leo我发现年轻人好像没有这么客气。

I've noticed young people don't seem this keqi.

小悦你观察得很对，这几年变化很快。

You've observed correctly. It's been changing fast these past few years.

Leo怎么变的？

Changing how?

小悦我们这一代在微信上，很多话直接就说了。吃饭 AA，转账就转账，不推来推去。

On WeChat, our generation just says things directly. Split the bill, send the transfer, no pushing back and forth.

Leo不推让了？

No more back-and-forth?

小悦推让少了很多。有的人还会直接说，这周我不想出门，我们下次吧。

A lot less of it. Some people will straight up say, I don't feel like going out this week, let's do it next time.

Leo这在以前是不是很不礼貌？

Wouldn't that have been very rude before?

小悦以前会觉得这个人不太会做人。现在很多人觉得，这样反而省事，大家都轻松。

People used to think you didn't know how to handle others. Now many think it saves trouble and everyone relaxes.

Leo那客气会消失吗？

So will keqi disappear?

小悦不会。它在往两头走。

No. It's moving toward both ends.

Leo什么叫往两头走？

What do you mean, both ends?

小悦跟不熟的人，客气还在，甚至更标准，因为大家都用微信，看不见表情，只能靠话。

With people you don't know well, keqi is still there and even more standardized, because everyone's on WeChat with no facial expressions — only words.

Leo那跟熟人呢？

And with close friends?

小悦跟熟人越来越直接。所以客气反而变成了一个更清楚的信号。

With close friends, more and more direct. Which makes keqi an even clearer signal now.

Leo什么信号？

What signal?

小悦你看对方对你客气到什么程度，就大概知道你在他心里排第几。

Look at how keqi someone is with you and you can roughly tell where you rank in their heart.

Leo这个太可怕了，也太有用了。

That's terrifying — and incredibly useful.

小悦所以你别只学怎么说客气话，你更要学怎么听客气话。

So don't just learn how to say polite phrases. Learn how to hear them.

Leo那我们回到我开头那个问题。那顿饭，我到底还要不要等？

So back to my opening question. That meal — should I keep waiting for it or not?

小悦不用等。但是你可以做一件事，这就是我刚才说的高级用法。

Don't wait. But there's something you can do — the advanced move I mentioned earlier.

Leo来了。

Here it comes.

小悦你去找他，说，上次你说要请我吃饭，我一直记着。这个周五我请你，行不行？

You go to him and say, you mentioned treating me to a meal, and I've kept it in mind. This Friday it's on me — does that work?

Leo等一下，他说请我，我为什么要请他？

Hold on — he offered to treat me. Why am I treating him?

小悦因为你不是在要那顿饭，你是在把一句客气话变成一次真的见面。

Because you're not after the meal. You're turning a polite phrase into a real meeting.

Leo而且我把请客的位置抢过来了，他就没有负担了。

And by grabbing the host's seat, I take the burden off him.

小悦完全正确。客气话要变成真邀请，只有一个办法。

Exactly right. There's only one way to turn a polite phrase into a real invitation.

Leo什么办法？

What way?

小悦你来定时间。客气话里最缺的就是时间，你把时间填进去，它就活了。

You set the time. Time is exactly what polite phrases lack. Fill in the time and the phrase comes alive.

Leo你来定时间。这是今天最有用的一句。

You set the time. That's the most useful line of the day.

小悦那我们今天总结一下。

Let's sum up today.

Leo我来吧，我想试试。

Let me do it, I want to try.

小悦你来。

Go for it.

Leo第一，客气不是礼貌，是一来一回的推让，重点在回合，不在内容。

One: keqi isn't politeness, it's back-and-forth declining. What matters is the rounds, not the content.

小悦好。

Good.

Leo第二，听到不用了的时候，看有没有理由、说得多急、关系多近、旁边有没有人。

Two: when you hear no need, check for a reason, how urgently it's said, how close you are, and whether anyone's watching.

小悦太好了。

Excellent.

Leo第三，客气话不用兑现，要接住。想让它成真，你来定时间。

Three: polite phrases don't need fulfilling, they need catching. To make one real, you set the time.

小悦还有最后一条，也是最重要的一条。

And one last one — the most important one.

Leo第四，客气是距离的温度计，跟越近的人，越要少。

Four: keqi is a thermometer for distance. The closer the person, the less you use.

小悦Leo，你今天可以毕业了。

Leo, you can graduate today.

Leo那我现在能不能用一句？

Can I use one right now?

小悦你说。

Go ahead.

Leo小悦，那我就不跟你客气了，我要一杯你店里最贵的那个。

Xiao Yue, then I won't stand on ceremony — I'll have the most expensive drink in your shop.

小悦哈哈哈哈，用得非常准。

Hahahaha, used perfectly.

Leo也请大家在评论区告诉我们，你有没有把一句客气话当真过？

And tell us in the comments — have you ever taken a polite phrase literally?

小悦或者反过来，你有没有一次，因为太客气，反而把一个人推远了？

Or the reverse — was there a time being too polite pushed someone away?

Leo写下来，我们下一期挑几条念出来。

Write it down, and we'll read a few out next episode.

小悦好，今天就聊到这儿，谢谢你们陪我们坐了这么久。

Alright, that's it for today. Thank you for sitting with us this long.

Leo下期见。

See you next time.

小悦出门别急着走，我给你倒杯水，这次你可别再说不用。

Don't rush off on your way out — let me pour you a glass of water, and this time don't say no.

5 道题 · 最多 50 积分