面子

小悦Leo，我先问你一个问题。你有没有过这种情况，你说的每一句话都是对的，可是话说完，整个气氛就凉了。

Leo, let me start with a question. Have you ever had this happen? Everything you said was right, and the second you finished, the whole room went cold.

Leo有。上个月刚发生过一次，我到现在还没想明白。

Yes. It happened just last month, and I still haven't figured it out.

小悦说来听听。

Let's hear it.

Leo我们学校开教研会，一个同事在台上做英语培训，他把一个词的重音读错了。

We had a teaching meeting at school. A colleague was up front running an English training session, and he put the stress on the wrong syllable.

小悦然后呢？

And then?

Leo我举手，很客气地说，这个词的重音应该在前面。我以为我在帮他。

I raised my hand and said, very politely, that the stress should be on the first syllable. I thought I was helping him.

小悦你以为。

You thought.

Leo结果他愣了两秒，说了句谢谢指正，然后整场会他再也没看过我一眼。

He froze for two seconds, said thanks for the correction, and for the rest of the meeting he never looked at me once.

小悦后来呢？

And after that?

Leo后来两个星期，见面点个头，一句话都没有。

For two weeks after that, we'd nod when we passed each other. Not one word.

小悦Leo，你那天不是纠正了一个发音，你是当着二十个人的面，把他的面子拿走了。

Leo, that day you didn't correct a pronunciation. In front of twenty people, you took his face away.

Leo面子……这两个字我天天听，可是我从来没真正搞懂过。

Face... I hear that word every day, and I've never really understood it.

小悦那今天这一期就为你做。听完这一期，你在中国至少能少踩一半的坑。

Then today's episode is for you. After this, you'll fall into at least half as many holes in China.

Leo我今天连笔都带来了。

I even brought a pen today.

小悦先问你，如果让你把面子翻译成英文，你会怎么翻？

First question. If you had to translate mianzi into English, what would you say?

Leopride 吧？或者 ego？我一直是这么理解的。

Pride, maybe? Or ego? That's how I've always understood it.

小悦这就是第一个坑。pride 是你自己心里的感觉，可是面子不在你心里。

And that's the first hole. Pride is a feeling inside you. Face isn't inside you at all.

Leo不在我心里？那在哪儿？

Not inside me? Then where is it?

小悦在别人眼里。面子是别人眼里的你，是你在一群人面前的那个样子。

In other people's eyes. Face is the version of you that lives in other people's eyes, the you that exists in front of a group.

Leo所以面子不是我的？

So face isn't mine?

小悦面子是你的，可是它保管在别人手里。

Face is yours, but other people are holding it for you.

Leo这句话有点绕，你再说一遍。

That's a bit twisty. Say it again.

小悦你今天穿得体不体面，你自己心里清楚。可是你今天有没有面子，得看在场的人怎么反应。

Whether you're dressed decently today, you know that yourself. But whether you have face today depends on how the people in the room react.

Leo喔……所以一个人在家的时候，是没有面子这回事的。

Oh... so when you're home alone, face doesn't exist.

小悦完全正确。一个人的时候只有自尊，两个人以上才有面子。

Exactly right. Alone, you only have self-respect. Face needs two people or more.

Leo这一句就已经值回票价了。

That line alone was worth the ticket.

小悦我再给你一个比喻，你会记得更牢。你把面子想成一个账户，可是这个账户不开在银行，开在所有认识你的人心里。

Here's an image that'll stick. Think of face as an account. Only it isn't held at a bank, it's held in the mind of everyone who knows you.

Leo那谁往里面存钱？

So who puts money in?

小悦别人存。别人当众夸你、请你坐主位、说你能干靠得住，都是往你账户里存。

Other people do. Praising you in public, seating you at the head of the table, saying you're capable and reliable, all of that is a deposit.

Leo那取钱呢？

And withdrawals?

小悦别人当面驳你、笑你、不理你，就是从里面取。

Contradicting you to your face, laughing at you, ignoring you. That's money coming out.

Leo所以我上个月，是从我同事的账户里取了一大笔。

So last month I made a very large withdrawal from my colleague's account.

小悦而且是当着二十个人的面取的，全场都看见了。

And you did it in front of twenty people. The whole room watched.

Leo难怪他两个星期不理我。这不是小气，这是账没了。

No wonder he ignored me for two weeks. He wasn't being petty. The money was gone.

小悦你今天理解得很快。

You're picking this up fast today.

Leo小悦，我突然想到一件事。英文里有一句 lose face，就是丢面子。

Xiao Yue, something just hit me. English has the phrase lose face, which is exactly diu mianzi.

小悦那句话就是从中文翻过去的，一百多年前的事了。

That phrase was translated out of Chinese, more than a hundred years ago.

Leo难怪它听起来一点都不像英文。

No wonder it doesn't sound like English at all.

小悦英文本来怎么说？

What would English normally say?

Leo本来会说 embarrassed，可是那个跟丢面子完全不一样。

Normally you'd say embarrassed. But that's nothing like losing face.

小悦哪里不一样？

How is it different?

Leoembarrassed 是我自己觉得尴尬，别人可能根本没注意到。丢面子是全场都看见了，我自己反而可能还没反应过来。

Embarrassed is me feeling awkward, and nobody else may even have noticed. Losing face is the whole room seeing it, while I might be the last one to catch on.

小悦Leo，你这个区分讲得比很多中文老师都清楚。

Leo, you just explained that better than a lot of Chinese teachers.

Leo那我们进正题吧，我想学怎么用。

Then let's get to the real thing. I want to learn how to use it.

小悦好。接下来是今天最实用的一段。面子这两个字，中国人天天说，可是前面跟的动词不一样，意思差很远。我给你四个。

Alright. This next part is the most practical thing today. Chinese people say mianzi constantly, but the verb in front of it changes everything. I'll give you four.

Leo四个。你说慢一点。

Four. Go slowly.

小悦给面子、丢面子、要面子、留面子。

Give face, lose face, want face, leave face.

Leo给、丢、要、留。四个动词，四个世界。

Give, lose, want, leave. Four verbs, four different worlds.

小悦第一个，给面子。就是你做了一件事，让对方在别人面前好看。

First one, give face. You do something that makes the other person look good in front of others.

Leo能给个例子吗？

Can you give me an example?

小悦你的老板过生日，请全组吃饭。你本来不想去，可是你去了，还坐到了最后。这就叫给面子。

Your boss has a birthday and takes the whole team out. You didn't want to go, but you went, and you stayed till the end. That's giving face.

Leo可是我什么都没做啊，我就是坐在那儿。

But I didn't do anything. I just sat there.

小悦你人到了，就是最大的给面子。中国人很多时候看的不是你说了什么，是你人来没来。

Showing up is the biggest way to give face. A lot of the time Chinese people aren't measuring what you said. They're measuring whether you came.

Leo这个跟英国真的不一样。在英国你不想去就直接说不去，没人会往心里去。

That really is different from Britain. There, if you don't want to go, you just say no, and nobody takes it personally.

小悦这里会。他请了你三次，你三次都说没空，第四次他就不请了。

Here they do. He invites you three times, you're busy three times, and there is no fourth invitation.

Leo那我岂不是已经被好几个人划掉了。

So I've probably already been crossed off a few lists.

小悦有可能，不过现在补还来得及。

Possibly. But it's not too late to fix it.

Leo那反过来那句怎么说？

What's the opposite phrase?

小悦不给面子。这四个字在中国是很重的一句话。

Not giving face. Those words land very hard in China.

Leo有多重？

How hard?

小悦两个人吵架，最后一句常常是这一句，你这是不给我面子。说到这儿，事情就不是那件事了。

When two people argue, the last line is often exactly that: you're not giving me face. Once that's said, the argument isn't about the original thing anymore.

Leo变成人的问题了。

It's become about the person.

小悦对。还有一句更客气的说法，叫赏脸。

Right. There's a more polite version too: shang lian, grant me your face.

Leo赏脸？

Grant your face?

小悦别人请你的时候会说，你赏个脸吧。意思就是给我个面子来一下。

When someone invites you they might say, shang ge lian. It means, do me the honour and come.

Leo这个说法真好听。

That's a lovely way to put it.

小悦第二个动词，丢面子。刚才你已经亲自示范过了。

Second verb, lose face. You already demonstrated that one for us.

Leo我能不能申请换一个例子。

Can I request a different example?

小悦哈哈，那我换。一个人在饭桌上讲了个笑话，讲完全场没人笑，安静了三秒。

Haha, fine. Someone tells a joke at dinner, finishes, nobody laughs, and there are three full seconds of silence.

Leo这个我懂，这个太疼了。

I know that one. That one really hurts.

小悦跟丢面子配套的还有一个词，叫下不来台。

There's a companion phrase to losing face: xia bu lai tai, you can't get down off the stage.

Leo下不来台？台是舞台的台吗？

Can't get down off the stage? Is that the same tai as in stage?

小悦对。你想象一个人被推上台，本来该有人接他一句，结果没人接，他就下不来了。

Yes. Picture someone pushed up on stage. Somebody was supposed to pick up his line, nobody did, and now he's stranded up there.

Leo那我同事那天就是下不来台。

So that day my colleague couldn't get down off the stage.

小悦他那天不但下不来台，还是被你亲手推上去的。

Not only that. You're the one who pushed him up there.

Leo我现在越听越难受。

The more I hear, the worse I feel.

小悦难受说明你听懂了。

Feeling bad means you understood.

Leo第三个是什么来着，要面子？

What was the third one again, want face?

小悦对。这个是用来形容人的。

Yes. That one describes a person.

Leo太在乎面子的人？

Someone who cares too much about face?

小悦对。他不是坏人，他只是特别怕在别人面前不好看。

Right. He isn't a bad person. He's just terrified of looking bad in front of others.

Leo这样的人多吗？

Are there a lot of people like that?

小悦多。而且往往是最能干、最要强的那种人。

Plenty. And they're often the most capable, most driven people you know.

Leo那怎么看出来一个人要面子？

How do you spot one?

小悦我给你三个信号。第一，他从来不说我不会。

Three signs. One, he never says I don't know how.

Leo不管懂不懂，都点头。

Nods either way, whether he gets it or not.

小悦第二，抢着买单抢得特别用力，用力到有点吓人。

Two, he fights for the bill with alarming intensity.

Leo这个我见过，两个人在收银台前面推来推去。

I've seen that. Two people shoving each other at the till.

小悦第三，你帮他一次，他一定要还你两次，还得比你给的更好。

Three, help him once and he has to repay you twice, and better than what you gave.

Leo最后一个我服了，我们学校真的有这么一位。

That last one, I surrender. We have exactly that person at school.

小悦这样的人相处起来很累，可是他自己更累。

People like that are exhausting to be around. But they're more exhausted than you are.

Leo好，第四个。

Okay, number four.

小悦第四个是我今天最想教你的，叫留面子。

The fourth is the one I most want to teach you today: leaving someone their face.

Leo留？留下来？

Leave? As in leave behind?

小悦给别人留一点，别拿光。这是中国式沟通里最关键的一个动作。

Leave them some, don't take it all. It's the single most important move in Chinese communication.

Leo那具体怎么做？

How do you actually do it?

小悦有一句更常用的说法，叫给人一个台阶下。

There's a more common way to say it: give someone a step to come down on.

Leo台阶……就是楼梯的那种台阶？

A step... like a stair step?

小悦对。一个人站在高处上不去也下不来的时候，你搬一个台阶放在他脚底下，他就能体面地走下来。

Exactly. Someone's stuck up high, can't go up, can't come down. You slide a step under his feet and he can walk down with dignity.

Leo这个画面我一下就懂了。

That picture makes it click instantly.

小悦我给你一个真实的场景。同事开会迟到二十分钟，一进门，全场都在看他。

Here's a real scene. A colleague walks into a meeting twenty minutes late and the whole room turns to look.

Leo那个瞬间我经历过，空气都是硬的。

I've lived that moment. The air goes solid.

小悦这时候你说一句，今天早高峰是不是又堵了。

That's when you say, rush hour was bad again this morning, wasn't it.

Leo他就有话接了。

And now he has a line to take.

小悦他就有话接了，会议也能继续往下走。

Now he has a line, and the meeting can keep moving.

Leo那如果我说的是，你怎么这么晚呢？

And if I'd said, why are you so late?

小悦那你就是把台阶撤了。他只能站在门口，一句话都说不出来。

Then you've pulled the step away. He just stands in the doorway with nothing to say.

Leo同一件事，两句话，差别这么大。

Same event, two sentences, completely different outcome.

小悦这就是留面子。而且我要提醒你，留面子不是说谎。

That's leaving someone their face. And I want to be clear, it isn't lying.

Leo不是？

It isn't?

小悦不是。你没有说他没迟到，你只是没有把他钉在那儿。

No. You didn't say he wasn't late. You just didn't pin him to the wall with it.

Leo懂了，事实不变，只是给他一个下来的路。

Got it. The facts don't change, you just give him a way down.

小悦这句话你要是能记住，你在中国的人际关系至少省一半力气。

Remember that one and your relationships in China get twice as easy.

Leo小悦，我发现面子这个词其实还有别的用法。我听人说过长脸。

Xiao Yue, I've noticed this word has other uses. I've heard people say zhang lian.

小悦太好了，你自己找到了下一段。面子这件事，在中国常常不是一个人的。

Perfect, you found our next section yourself. In China, face often doesn't belong to one person.

Leo不是一个人的？

Not to one person?

小悦一个人的表现，会算到一家人头上。

How one person performs gets credited to the whole family.

Leo能举个例子吗？

Can you give an example?

小悦孩子考上了好大学，家里人会说，这孩子给我们长脸了。

A kid gets into a good university and the family says, this child has grown face for us.

Leo长脸就是把面子变大。

Growing face means making the face bigger.

小悦对，就是让家里在别人面前更好看。

Right, making the family look better in front of everyone.

Leo那反过来就是丢脸？

And the opposite is diu lian, losing face?

小悦对。丢脸和丢面子基本一样，只是丢脸更口语、更重一点。

Yes. Diu lian and diu mianzi are basically the same, but diu lian is more colloquial and lands a bit harder.

Leo那还有一个词，丢人，跟这两个有区别吗？

There's another one, diu ren. Is that different from those two?

小悦丢人最口语，也最狠。一般是自己骂自己，或者很亲近的人才这么说。

Diu ren is the most colloquial and the harshest. Usually you say it about yourself, or someone very close to you says it to you.

Leo怎么用？

How would it be used?

小悦你考试作弊被抓到，你妈会说，你真丢人。她不会说，你真丢面子。

You get caught cheating on an exam and your mum says, you're a disgrace. She would not say, you've lost face.

Leo所以越亲近，用的词越重。

So the closer the person, the heavier the word.

小悦中文很多地方都是这样。

That's true all over Chinese.

Leo我再问一个我一直搞不清楚的。我们每天都在说不好意思，这个跟面子有关系吗？

Let me ask about something I've never sorted out. We say bu hao yi si every single day. Does that have anything to do with face?

小悦关系大了。不好意思这四个字，拆开看就是，没有一张好的脸。

Everything to do with it. Bu hao yi si, taken apart, literally says: not a good face.

Leo等一下，这个我从来没想过。

Hang on. I've never thought about that.

小悦中文里的意思，本来就有脸色、神情的意思。不好意思，就是脸上挂不住。

In Chinese, yi si originally carried the sense of expression, the look on your face. Bu hao yi si means your face can't hold it.

Leo所以我这两年天天在说面子，只是我不知道。

So I've been saying face every day for two years and didn't know it.

小悦而且不好意思在中国的用法比 sorry 宽得多。

And bu hao yi si covers far more ground here than sorry does.

Leo怎么说？

How so?

小悦麻烦别人的时候说，收到礼物的时候说，被夸的时候也说。

You say it when you trouble someone, when you receive a gift, and when someone compliments you.

Leo被夸也要说不好意思？

You say it when you're complimented?

小悦对。别人说你今天真好看，你回一句不好意思，其实是在说，你太抬举我了。

Yes. Someone says you look great today, you answer bu hao yi si, and what you're really saying is, you're being too generous.

Leo这个我一直理解成道歉，难怪有几次别人看我的眼神很奇怪。

I've always taken it as an apology. No wonder people have given me strange looks a few times.

小悦还有一个跟它很像的，叫抹不开面子。

There's a close relative of it too: mo bu kai mianzi.

Leo抹不开？

Mo bu kai?

小悦就是明明想拒绝，可是话到嘴边说不出口。

It's when you clearly want to say no, but the words reach your lips and won't come out.

Leo这个我太熟了，我上个月抹不开面子，买了一件我根本不喜欢的衣服。

I know that one far too well. Last month I couldn't get the no out and bought a jacket I don't even like.

小悦那你已经会用了。

Then you can already use it.

Leo小悦，我想问一个更实际的。我在中国这两年，最痛苦的一件事，是我经常听不出别人到底答应了还是拒绝了。

Xiao Yue, something more practical. The most painful thing about my two years here is that I often can't tell whether someone just agreed or just refused.

小悦来了，这就是面子最直接的后果。

There it is. That's the most direct consequence of face.

Leo为什么会跟面子有关？

Why would that be about face?

小悦因为直接说不，在很多场合等于当面驳人的面子。

Because in a lot of settings, saying no directly is the same as taking someone's face in public.

Leo所以你们不说不。

So you don't say no.

小悦我们说，只是换一层包装。我给你几句，你听听像不像拒绝。

We do say it, just in different packaging. I'll give you a few. Tell me if they sound like refusals.

Leo你说。

Go ahead.

小悦第一句，我再看看。

Number one. I'll take another look.

Leo这个……听起来像我要考虑一下。

That one... sounds like I'll think about it.

小悦不是。这是不。

No. That's a no.

Leo真的假的。

You're joking.

小悦第二句，改天吧。

Number two. Some other day.

Leo这个也是不？

That's a no too?

小悦是不。而且改天的那个天，一般不会来。

It's a no. And that other day generally never arrives.

Leo我心都凉了。

My heart just sank.

小悦第三句，我尽量。

Number three. I'll do my best.

Leo我尽量总该是我会努力吧？

Surely I'll do my best means I'll try?

小悦我尽量的意思是，我大概做不到，可是我不想现在让你难受。

I'll do my best means, I probably can't, but I don't want to make you feel bad right now.

Leo小悦，我这两年到底误会了多少人。

Xiao Yue, how many people have I misread in two years?

小悦不怪你，这套东西我们从小听到大，不用学。

It's not your fault. We grow up hearing this. Nobody has to teach us.

Leo那我怎么分得清哪个是真的在考虑，哪个是不？

So how do I tell a real maybe from a no?

小悦听三样东西。第一，有没有时间。

Listen for three things. One, is there a time?

Leo时间？

A time?

小悦真答应的人会给你一个时间，比如星期三下午吧。不答应的人只会给你一个模糊的词。

Someone who's actually saying yes gives you a time, like Wednesday afternoon. Someone who isn't gives you a vague word.

Leo第二呢？

And two?

小悦第二，有没有下一步。真答应的人会说，你把资料发我。不答应的话，说到那儿就停了。

Two, is there a next step? A real yes says, send me the documents. A no just stops there.

Leo第三？

Three?

小悦第三，语速。真的答应会答得很快，不答应的那一句前面，往往有半秒钟的停顿。

Three, speed. A real yes comes back fast. A no usually has half a second of silence in front of it.

Leo那半秒钟。

That half second.

小悦那半秒钟就是答案。

That half second is your answer.

Leo这三条我今天回去就能用。

I can use all three of those the moment I get back.

小悦不过我也要说句公道话，这套方式有它的成本。

I should be fair, though. This system has a cost.

Leo什么成本？

What cost?

小悦效率。有的时候两边都在猜，一件小事拖一个星期。

Efficiency. Sometimes both sides are guessing, and something small drags on for a week.

Leo所以现在年轻人是不是直接一点了？

So are younger people more direct now?

小悦直接了不少，尤其是工作上。可是在长辈面前，那一套还是原来的样子。

Quite a bit more, especially at work. But in front of the older generation, the old system is fully intact.

Leo那反过来，我要拒绝别人的时候该怎么说？我总不能一直说好。

The other direction, then. How should I refuse someone? I can't just keep saying yes.

小悦你可以比中国人直接一点，你是外国人，大家会理解。可是你加一句，效果完全不一样。

You can be more direct than a Chinese person would be. You're foreign, people will understand. But add one thing and it lands completely differently.

Leo加什么？

Add what?

小悦加一个理由，再加一个下次。这周实在排不开，下个月我请你。

Add a reason, then add a next time. This week is genuinely impossible, next month it's on me.

Leo为什么理由这么重要？

Why does the reason matter so much?

小悦因为你拒绝的不是他这个人，是这一件事。理由就是在告诉他，不是你不好。

Because you're refusing the thing, not the person. The reason is how you tell him it isn't about him.

Leo拒绝事，不拒绝人。

Refuse the thing, not the person.

小悦这七个字你今天记住就够本了。

Learn just that today and you've made your money back.

Leo小悦，我们现在能不能回到我那个同事。

Xiao Yue, can we go back to my colleague now?

小悦我就等你自己开口。

I've been waiting for you to bring him up.

Leo我这几天一直在想，我到底应该怎么做才对。

I've been turning it over for days. What should I actually have done?

小悦我先问你，如果那天散会以后，你走过去，小声跟他说那个重音，会怎么样？

Let me ask you this. If after the meeting you'd gone over and mentioned the stress quietly, what would have happened?

Leo他……应该会谢我。而且是真的谢我。

He... would have thanked me. And meant it.

小悦一模一样的话，一模一样的好意，换一个地方说，结果完全相反。

Identical words, identical good intentions, different location, opposite result.

Leo所以问题从来不在内容。

So the problem was never the content.

小悦中国有句话叫当面留一线。当着人的面，话说三分留七分；真要说的，私下说。

There's a Chinese saying: in person, leave a thread. To someone's face, say three parts and hold back seven. What really needs saying, say it privately.

Leo这个当面，就是在所有人前面？

Does dang mian mean in front of everybody?

小悦当面是在对方面前。如果要强调有别人在场，我们会说，当着大家的面。

Dang mian means in front of the person themselves. If you want to stress that others are present, we say dang zhe da jia de mian, in front of everyone.

Leo那私下呢？

And privately?

小悦私下、私底下都可以。我私下跟他说一声。

Si xia or si di xia, either works. I'll mention it to him privately.

Leo我明白为什么微信在中国这么重要了。

Now I understand why WeChat matters so much here.

小悦你说到点子上了。群里公开说和单独私聊，在中国是两种完全不同的行为。

You've hit it exactly. Saying something in the group chat and saying it in a private message are two completely different acts in China.

Leo我以前一直以为那只是方便。

I always assumed that was just convenience.

小悦那是一个留面子的工具。同样一句批评，发在群里是处刑，私聊是帮忙。

It's a tool for leaving people their face. The same criticism, posted in the group, is an execution. Sent privately, it's help.

Leo处刑这个词太狠了，可是太准了。

Execution is a brutal word. And it's exactly right.

小悦我再教你两个词，你在会议上一定用得上。拆台和圆场。

Two more words you'll definitely need in meetings: chai tai and yuan chang.

Leo拆台？把台拆了？

Chai tai? Dismantling the stage?

小悦对。刚才说了台阶，现在说台。别人正站在台上说话，你一句话把他的台拆了，他就掉下来了。

Yes. We had the step earlier, now we have the stage. Someone's up there talking, one sentence from you takes the stage apart, and down he comes.

Leo那我那天就是拆台。

So that day I dismantled his stage.

小悦那是标准的拆台。

That was a textbook example.

Leo那圆场呢？

And yuan chang?

小悦圆场正好相反。场面尴尬的时候，有人说一句话，把气氛圆回来。

Yuan chang is the opposite. The moment turns awkward, someone says one thing, and the mood rounds itself back out.

Leo能举个例子吗？

Can you give an example?

小悦饭桌上有人开了个过头的玩笑，全场安静。这时候有人笑着说，来来来，先吃菜，菜要凉了。

Someone at dinner makes a joke that goes too far and the table goes quiet. Then someone laughs and says, come on, eat, the food's going cold.

Leo这一句就把场圆了。

And that one line rounds the whole thing out.

小悦对。中国的饭局上，永远有一个负责圆场的人。

Exactly. At every Chinese dinner there's always one person whose job is smoothing things over.

Leo那如果我必须在会上说呢？有时候真的不能等到散会。

What if I have to say it in the meeting? Sometimes it genuinely can't wait.

小悦有办法。中文里有一句现成的，叫对事不对人。

There's a way. Chinese has a ready-made line: dui shi bu dui ren, about the matter, not the person.

Leo这句怎么用？

How do I use it?

小悦你先说这五个字，再说你的意见。等于提前告诉全场，我接下来的话，不是冲他这个人。

You say those five characters first, then your point. It tells the whole room in advance that what's coming isn't aimed at him.

Leo还有别的吗？

Anything else?

小悦还有一句更好用的，先把责任往自己身上揽。可能是我理解错了，我确认一下。

There's an even better one. Take the blame onto yourself first: I may have misunderstood, let me check.

Leo可是我没有理解错啊。

But I didn't misunderstand.

小悦Leo，这句话的重点不是谁错了，是让对方有地方站。

Leo, the point of that sentence isn't who was wrong. It's giving the other person somewhere to stand.

Leo让对方有地方站……我今天已经记了满满一页。

Somewhere to stand... I've already filled a whole page today.

小悦说了这么多面子的好，我该说说它的另一面了。

I've said a lot about what face is good for. Time for the other side.

Leo面子也有坏的时候？

Face has a bad side?

小悦有一句老话，叫死要面子活受罪。

There's an old saying: si yao mianzi huo shou zui.

Leo死要面子，活受罪。这句怎么解？

Si yao mianzi, huo shou zui. What does it mean?

小悦为了在别人面前好看，自己吃很多苦，还不能说出来。

To look good in front of others, you suffer a great deal, and you're not allowed to mention it.

Leo还有更形象的说法吗？

Is there a more vivid version?

小悦有，而且特别形象。叫打肿脸充胖子。

There is, and it's very vivid: da zhong lian chong pang zi, slap your own face swollen to pass for a fat man.

Leo打肿脸？把自己的脸打肿？

Slap your face swollen? You hit your own face?

小悦以前的人觉得胖是有福气。一个瘦的人想让别人以为他胖，就把自己的脸打肿。

In the old days being heavy meant being well off. A thin man who wanted people to think he was well fed would slap his own face until it swelled.

Leo这个画面……好疼。

That image... ouch.

小悦说的就是明明没有那个条件，硬要撑出那个样子。

It describes not having the means and forcing the appearance anyway.

Leo这个我们英国也有，只是没有这么狠的说法。我们说 keeping up appearances。

We have that in Britain too, just without such a brutal phrase. We say keeping up appearances.

小悦保持外表。意思很近。

Maintaining the surface. Very close in meaning.

Leo可是你们这句里有痛，那句里没有。

But yours has pain in it. Ours doesn't.

小悦所以中文才有意思。

That's what makes Chinese interesting.

Leo那你能给个真的例子吗？我想听真的。

Can you give me a real example? I want a real one.

小悦我给你讲一件我自己的事，这件事我很少跟人说。

I'll tell you something about myself that I rarely tell anyone.

Leo你说。

Go on.

小悦我这家店刚开的第四个月，那个月亏了一万多。

The fourth month after this shop opened, I lost over ten thousand yuan.

Leo一万多？我完全看不出来。

Over ten thousand? I'd never have guessed.

小悦因为那段时间，不管谁问我生意怎么样，我都笑着说，还行还行，挺好的。

Because during that stretch, no matter who asked how business was, I smiled and said, not bad, not bad, going well.

Leo为什么不说实话？

Why not tell the truth?

小悦说不出口。我跟家里说了我要开店，跟朋友说了我一定行。

I couldn't get it out. I'd told my family I was opening a shop. I'd told my friends I'd make it work.

Leo所以那句还行，你说了多久？

So how long did you keep saying not bad?

小悦两个多月。每天说，见谁都说。

Over two months. Every day, to everyone I met.

Leo后来呢？

And then?

小悦后来有一天，隔壁开面馆的邻居过来坐了坐，一坐下就说，我上个月亏了八千。

Then one day the neighbour who runs the noodle shop next door came and sat down, and the first thing he said was, I lost eight thousand last month.

Leo他直接说了？

He just said it?

小悦他直接说了，说得很平常，像在说今天天气。

He just said it, completely matter of fact, like he was talking about the weather.

Leo那你呢？

And you?

小悦我当时眼泪差点下来。我说，我也亏。

I nearly cried. I said, me too.

Leo然后呢？

And then?

小悦然后他教了我三件事，都是他自己踩过的坑。第二个月我就回本了。

Then he taught me three things, all of them holes he'd fallen into himself. The next month I broke even.

Leo所以那三件事，你早两个月就能知道。

So you could have known those three things two months earlier.

小悦如果我早两个月说实话，就能早两个月知道。我那两个多月的还行，一句都没换来。

If I'd told the truth two months earlier, I'd have known two months earlier. Two months of not bad bought me nothing.

Leo所以要面子最贵的地方，不是丢脸。

So the most expensive part of caring about face isn't the embarrassment.

小悦最贵的地方是，你把能帮你的人挡在门外了。

The most expensive part is that you lock the people who could help you outside the door.

Leo这句话我要写下来。

I'm writing that one down.

小悦那你现在明白我为什么讲这个了。

So now you see why I brought it up.

Leo可是小悦，我现在有点糊涂。你上半段教我怎么给别人留面子，下半段又说面子害人。

But Xiao Yue, I'm a bit confused now. The first half you taught me to leave people their face, the second half you're saying face does damage.

小悦好问题。因为面子有两个方向，你自己的面子，和别人的面子。

Good question. Face has two directions: your own face, and other people's.

Leo这两个不一样吗？

Are those different?

小悦太不一样了。太在乎自己的面子，你会很累，还会错过所有能帮你的人。

Enormously. Care too much about your own and you'll be exhausted, and you'll miss everyone who could have helped you.

Leo那在乎别人的面子呢？

And caring about other people's?

小悦那是另一回事了。那不叫面子，那叫教养。

That's something else entirely. That isn't called face. That's called being raised well.

Leo教养……

Being raised well...

小悦一个总是给别人留面子的人，说白了，就是一个不忍心让别人难受的人。这一点全世界都一样。

Someone who always leaves other people their face is, plainly put, someone who can't bear to make others uncomfortable. That's the same everywhere in the world.

Leo所以坏的不是面子，是方向。

So the bad thing isn't face. It's the direction.

小悦对。往外给的时候，它是温柔；往里要的时候，它是包袱。

Right. Pointed outward, it's kindness. Pointed inward, it's a burden.

Leo这句我一定要记下来。

I'm definitely writing that down.

小悦还有一组词你可以顺便学了，面子和里子。

Here's a pair you may as well learn while we're here: mianzi and lizi.

Leo里子？

Lizi?

小悦面子是外面看得见的，里子是里面真实的那部分。

Mianzi is what's visible on the outside. Lizi is the real part underneath.

Leo能举个例子吗？

Can you give an example?

小悦一个人开很好的车，可是天天在家吃泡面，那就是有面子没里子。

Someone drives a beautiful car and eats instant noodles at home every night. That's all mianzi and no lizi.

Leo那反过来呢？

And the reverse?

小悦一个人穿得普普通通，可是房子付清了，心里踏实，那就叫里子厚。

Someone dresses very ordinarily, but the flat is paid off and they sleep well. That's thick lizi.

Leo那你们这一代人更看重哪个？

Which one does your generation care about more?

小悦这几年真的变了不少。我身边越来越多人在说，我要里子，不要面子。

It's genuinely shifted these last few years. More and more people around me say, give me the lizi, keep the mianzi.

Leo真的吗？

Really?

小悦真的。以前结婚要办二十桌，现在很多人办八桌，剩下的钱拿去付首付。

Really. Weddings used to mean twenty tables. Now a lot of people do eight and put the rest toward a deposit on a flat.

Leo这个变化好大。

That's a big change.

小悦不过我要提醒你一句，变的是形式，不是那件事本身。

One caution, though. What changed is the form, not the thing itself.

Leo什么意思？

Meaning?

小悦面子没有消失，它只是换了个地方。

Face didn't disappear. It just moved.

Leo换到哪儿去了？

Moved where?

小悦换到朋友圈里去了。

It moved into WeChat Moments.

Leo哈哈，这个我们改天一定要专门聊一期。

Haha, we absolutely have to do a whole episode on that one day.

小悦一定。

We will.

Leo小悦，最后我想要一点能直接用的东西。

Xiao Yue, to finish, I'd like something I can use immediately.

小悦好，我给你三句话，你今天出门就能用。

Alright. Three sentences you can use the moment you walk out today.

Leo来。

Go.

小悦第一句，给我个面子。

Number one. Gei wo ge mianzi, give me some face.

Leo这句什么时候用？

When do I use that?

小悦你想请对方答应一件小事，或者想让他别生气的时候。这次给我个面子，别跟他计较了。

When you want them to agree to something small, or you want them to let something go. Give me some face this once, don't hold it against him.

Leo这句会不会有点重？

Isn't that a bit strong?

小悦不重，朋友之间天天说。你这么一说，对方一般不好意思拒绝。

Not at all, friends say it daily. Once you say it, the other person usually finds it hard to refuse.

Leo第二句。

Number two.

小悦第二句，要不我们私下说。

Number two. How about we talk about this privately.

Leo这句我今天已经学会了。

I've already learned that one today.

小悦这一句能救你无数次会议。

That one will save you in more meetings than you can count.

Leo第三句。

Number three.

小悦第三句，是我没说清楚。

Number three. I didn't explain it clearly.

Leo可是明明是对方没听清楚。

But it was obviously the other person who didn't listen.

小悦Leo，这五个字不是在认错，是在把台阶搬过去。

Leo, those words aren't an admission of fault. They're you carrying the step over to him.

Leo把台阶搬过去。这个说法我记住了。

Carrying the step over. I'm keeping that one.

小悦那我问你，你打算怎么处理你那位同事？

So tell me, what are you going to do about your colleague?

Leo我昨天晚上想了很久，本来想发一段很长的微信道歉。

I thought about it for a long time last night. I was going to send a long apology on WeChat.

小悦千万别发长的。

Whatever you do, don't send a long one.

Leo为什么？

Why not?

小悦长的等于把那件事又拿出来说一遍，他还得跟着再难受一次。

A long one drags the whole thing out again, and he has to feel bad a second time.

Leo那怎么办？

Then what do I do?

小悦明天带两杯咖啡，一杯放到他桌上，说一句，上次那个培训你准备得挺用心的，我那天说话太急了。

Tomorrow bring two coffees, put one on his desk, and say, you'd clearly put a lot of work into that training, and I spoke too quickly that day.

Leo就这样？

That's it?

小悦就这样。而且别在办公室说，走廊上说，旁边最好没有人。

That's it. And don't say it in the office. Say it in the corridor, ideally with nobody around.

Leo走廊上，旁边没有人。小悦，你这个才是真正的高级课。

In the corridor, nobody around. Xiao Yue, this is the real advanced class.

小悦这不是高级课，这是每个中国小孩从小看着大人做，慢慢看会的。

It isn't an advanced class. It's what every Chinese kid picks up slowly, watching the adults do it.

Leo那我这两年，等于在补一门没人教过我的课。

So these two years I've been catching up on a class nobody ever taught me.

小悦现在补也不晚。

It's not too late to catch up.

Leo小悦，我今天最大的收获，不是那些词。

Xiao Yue, the biggest thing I got today wasn't the vocabulary.

小悦那是什么？

What was it?

Leo是我终于明白，我这两年一直在拼命把话说对。

It's finally understanding that for two years I've been desperately trying to say things correctly.

小悦话说对只是及格。

Saying it correctly is just a pass.

Leo那什么是满分？

Then what's full marks?

小悦让对方听完还能站得住，那才是满分。

Full marks is when the other person is still standing after you've finished.

Leo让对方听完还能站得住。

Still standing after you've finished.

小悦今天这一期其实就一句话。中国人聊天的时候，除了在听你说什么，还在看你有没有让人下得来台。

Today comes down to one sentence. When Chinese people talk with you, besides listening to what you say, they're watching whether you let people get down off the stage.

Leo那我想请大家也说说自己的经历。你有没有过一次，你说的全对，可是气氛就是不对了？

I'd like to hear your stories too. Has there been a time when everything you said was right, and the mood still went wrong?

小悦或者反过来，有没有一次，别人给了你一个台阶，你到现在还记得？

Or the other way round. Has someone ever given you a step down that you still remember?

Leo写在评论区，我们下一期挑几个念出来。

Put it in the comments. We'll read a few out next episode.

小悦好，今天就聊到这儿，谢谢你们陪我们坐了这么久。

Alright, that's where we'll stop today. Thank you for sitting with us this long.

Leo下期见。

See you next episode.

小悦出门的时候记得带上台阶，见人留一级。

When you head out, remember to bring a step with you, and leave one for everyone you meet.

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