说不

Leo, don't ask why. Right now, I want you to turn me down.

Huh? Turn you down about what?

I've got a load of stuff to move on Saturday. Come help me.

No, I can't. I've got something on Saturday.

Stop.

What? Did I turn you down wrong?

Do you know how hard those two words land on a Chinese ear?

But I was telling the truth. I really do have something on Saturday.

The truth, sure. The problem is you put "no" in the very first position.

Then where is it supposed to go?

Hold on. Let's try that again.

Leo, come help me move some stuff on Saturday. I don't have enough hands.

Um... I might...

Might what?

My schedule is a little hard to work around.

Any time works. Just name one.

Uh, afternoon?

Great. Two o'clock. I'll be waiting.

Wait, how did I just say yes?

You really did say yes.

But I was trying to turn you down!

I know. You were too soft. One push and you fell over.

So hard doesn't work, and soft doesn't work either.

It's not that you can't say no. You just don't know where "no" goes in Chinese.

Saying no has a position?

It does. When Chinese people say no, they almost never put it at the front of the sentence.

So where do they put it?

In time. In ability. In other people.

I wouldn't have thought of any of those three.

Today we're going to find all three, one by one.

Xiao Yue, there's something I've never quite dared to ask.

Go ahead.

When Chinese people don't say no directly, isn't that a little dishonest?

That's a good question. A lot of people quietly think that.

Because in the UK, if you say you're not coming, you're not coming, and nobody gets upset.

Let me ask you first. When you turn something down, are you turning down the thing, or the person?

The thing, obviously.

But the person listening doesn't necessarily see it that way.

You mean they'll feel like I'm rejecting them?

In Chinese, the first job of a refusal isn't being clear. It's making sure the other person doesn't feel rejected as a person.

So going around in circles is to protect them.

And to protect you. Embarrass them today, and tomorrow you won't be able to ask them for anything.

I see. This connects to face, the thing we talked about last time.

It connects, but it isn't the same. Face is about the situation. Refusing is about proportion.

I've heard that word, proportion. What does it actually mean?

Proportion is the exact spot where a bit more is too much and a bit less isn't enough.

That's way too hard to judge.

It isn't, because there are rules. It doesn't run on instinct.

There are actual rules?

There are. Today has two halves. In the first half, I'll teach you to hear other people's refusals.

And the second half?

In the second half, I'll teach you how to refuse without hurting anyone.

I want the first half first. I'm afraid I've already missed a lot of them.

You definitely have. Before we start, here's one line. Remember it.

Go ahead.

It's fine if your Chinese comes out a bit rough. But your listening has to be exact.

Why?

Because if you say it wrong, people forgive you. If you hear it wrong, nobody tells you.

Let's start with the most common one. "We'll see."

I know that one. "We'll see" means we'll discuss it later, right?

Wrong. "We'll see" means this ends right here.

What?

Nine times out of ten, "we'll see" is a no.

But literally it says we'll talk later.

Literally it pushes the conversation back. In practice it puts the whole thing down.

Then last month I...

What happened last month?

I asked a friend to go hiking, and he said "we'll see." I waited three weeks.

Did the answer ever come?

No. I thought he'd forgotten, so I asked again last week.

What did he say?

He said he's been a bit busy, we'll see.

That was the second refusal, and it was heavier than the first.

I didn't hear it at all.

"We'll see" has relatives. "We'll see when the time comes." "Maybe some other time." "Some other day." "Let's do it sometime when we're both free."

Those are all refusals?

None of them have a date. In Chinese, a plan without a date isn't a plan.

What's the second type?

I call the second type the thinking-about-it type. "Let me consider it." "Let me think." "Let me have a look." "Let me think it over."

That one sounds like they're actually thinking.

Don't look at the sentence. Look at the next three days.

Three days?

Three days with no word, and you already have your answer.

They won't come back and tell me?

No. Because in their mind, "let me consider it" has already been said.

So I can't go and ask again.

You can ask once. Just be ready for the answer.

And the third type?

The third one is the most interesting. I call it bringing in a third party.

Bringing in who?

Someone who isn't in the room. "I need to check with my wife." "Let me ask my boss." "My family might have plans." "We'll look into it."

Those are refusals too?

Once the decision moves to someone else, it's basically a no.

Why go around like that?

Because that way, the person saying no isn't them anymore.

They hand the responsibility to someone who isn't there.

And you have no way to go and argue with that person.

That's a clever move.

The last type is the difficulty type. "That's a little difficult." "That's not very convenient." "I'm afraid that won't work." "That would be tough."

Does "a little difficult" still leave a little hope?

None at all. In Chinese, "a little" very often means "very."

What about "not very convenient"?

"Not very convenient" carries an extra layer. It means don't ask why.

I can't even ask the reason?

If they wanted you to know the reason, they would have told you already.

I used to chase people for a reason every single time.

Then you were forcing them to invent one on the spot.

Oh no. I've done that several times.

It's not too late to change, starting today.

Xiao Yue, that's too many sentences. I can't remember them all.

Then I'll give you three tests. More useful than memorizing sentences.

Okay, let me grab a pen.

One. Listen for whether there's a next step.

What counts as a next step?

An action, or a time. "Let me check my schedule this week and get back to you Wednesday." That one's real.

And just "let me have a look"?

Just "let me have a look" has no next step.

Got it. What's the second test?

Two. See whether they ask about details.

Details?

Someone who's really coming will ask. What time? Where? What should I bring? What should I wear?

Because they've already started planning it in their head.

Right. No questions about details means it never entered their head.

That is scarily accurate.

Here's a line you can keep for life.

Go ahead.

The loudest no in Chinese is a yes with no details.

A yes with no details...

They say "sure, sure," and ask zero questions. That's when you should know.

But they literally said yes.

What they said was, I don't want you to feel awkward right now.

What's the third test?

Three. See whether the decision is still in their hands.

That's the bringing-in-a-third-party thing?

Right. If they bring in a spouse, a boss or the family right at the start, it's already over.

Let me run my hiking friend through these three.

Go ahead.

One. No next step, just "we'll see."

That's one.

Two. He didn't ask a single detail. Not the time, not even which mountain.

That's two.

Three. Later he said it depended on his family's plans.

All three.

So those three weeks I spent waiting were over on day one.

Now you know, and you'll save yourself a lot of three-week waits.

I've got the first half. Now teach me how to say it.

A Chinese refusal has a fixed shape. Three steps. Catch, block, bridge.

Catch, block, bridge.

Step one, catch. You have to catch what they said first.

How do I catch it?

"Thanks for thinking of me." "Oh, what terrible timing." "Now that you mention it, I'd actually love to go."

But I don't want to go at all.

You still catch it first. If you don't, the first word they hear is no.

Is the first word really that important?

Extremely. Ears only remember the beginning and the end.

Got it. Step two is block.

Block means giving a reason. And this step has one iron rule.

Go ahead.